"The Missing Elements" by Zayan Sechel, July 2014
Disclaimer: All characters presented here are the product of a fiction. Any resemblance to real characters is of a pure coincidence. No intention was made to insult anyone for any reason.
AN: This story is an act of fiction. No one is should attempt to plan, do or act in the same manner as it is depicted in the story.
Summary: Buy a balloon inflater (a pump with a handle on one end and a nozzle on the other - you can get one at a party store). Dribble some of the liquid into the balloon. Quickly inflate with the pump and tie off.
The Missing Elements
Walking like lame lamas in the Sint Jorisplein, a modern shopping area in the centre of town Amersfoort in the Netherlands, Europe, Jelly Belly, Duh, Hooray and Slow Joe were waiting for Redneck and Linda.
"What do you mean?"
"What do you mean what do I mean?"
Duh made a sneer and shook his face as if pitying Slow Joe.
"So … its IS possible then?" Jelly Belly grinned.
"Absolutely! You simply hook up a hose to a funnel and a bottle, then submerge the whole apparatus underwater, either in a swimming pool or bathtub so all the air is out of the apparatus, then fart into the funnel, which collects it in the bottle in pure form." Slow Joe grinned like a village idiot. Two American tourists cozily resting in wheelchairs took a photo of him. He snickered. "... Though it may take a few days to fill something like a two-liter, but when it's full, …" Some kids on rollerskates rushed by as if provoking them.
"Then … put the lid on and be careful with that thing!"
"Of, definitely man!" Duh closed his nose with both fingers and then made a grimace.
Pigeons were crapping on tourists regardless of their age.
"You know … to be honest … when most people fart in a jar they just hold the jar near their asshole, fart, then put the lid on. The problem with this is that some air that is not fart gets in the jar and also some of the fart escapes the jar and flies away."
"I sad jar, NOT ajar!"
Duh made a grimace.
"You're trying to be funny or something?"
"Guys, guys …" Jelly Belly walked in between them like a boxer referee.
Boats were gliding in the canal as if totally oblivious of their surrounding.
"No?" Duh cackled.
"That's right. When I fart in a jar I do it in the bath by filling the jar with bathwater and THEN holding it upside down and catching all the fart bubbles in it, and THEN I put the lid on while it's still underwater."
"Groovy, dude." Someone's balloon just exploded, scaring an elderly lady that was close by.
"This means that all the gas in the jar is fart so it is better and I've gotten good enough at it that I usually manage to catch all of the fart bubbles."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're better than a candid camera show guys …"
They pretended they were interested in shops since two police officers carefully monitored them.
"You know … if I have to fart when I'm NOT in the bath and can't get in the bath BEFORE I fart … it ALWAYS seems like such a waste."
"And why's that, stress-syllable-word asshole?"
Jelly Belly chuckled.
"Why? Because I don't get to ADD the fart to my collection."
"Logical." Hooray made Star Trek sign with his fingers.
"And last month I DID a really smelly fart while I was at work and I nearly cried because that awesome fart just dissipated and did not get to come home with me and live with me forever."
"Ha, ha, ha! No way!"
"I wonder if that's normal though …"
"Normal? There's NOTHING normal in this world."
"Hold on. Duh's got the point."
"Yes. I mean … instead of capturing farts in jars, you should try recording the sound on a tape recorder."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha. Jesus!" Jelly Belly had to lean on his knees lower, laughing like a doughnut.
"I mean … you can't really collect farts. Once they're out, …" Someone's loose kite flew over them. "… They're gone for good, dude."
"And if you ever try to let them out to play, they'll escape."
"There's basically no point in having them in a jar, because they're invisible and you can't even see or smell them."
Duh sighed, placing hand over his eyes as he tried to notice particulars of that lost kite.
"So … what?"
"Is it normal or not then?"
"No but that's awesome, I mean … I really want to try that now. You inspired me."
"Ha, ha, ha." Some teenage girls stared at them.
"Yup. I never thought of that bathtub idea but you are so, so, so right, those are the purest farts!"
"Now hold on a sec."
"What do you do with the farts in the jar?"
"How about … save them to smell later?"
"Jesus Christ!" Jelly Belly walked couple of steps away, waving at them as he laughed his head out.
"I would release them when the time is right, would always have a backup to gas someone out, dude!"
Finally Linda appeared all alone, announcing Redneck's stomach problems.
As they sat in a restaurant on Stadsring, Linda brought up a new topic.
"I believe that the national roots of Slovenes actually reach all the way to a prehistoric people which, in the 13th Century B.C., originating from the Sorb culture in today's Poland, …"
"From Poland, eh …"
"That's right. They carried it then to all parts of Europe, …" Hooray paused as Slow Joe was still reminiscent of recent topic they had in that shopping area. "… In strong movements of expansion and settlement, a new culture, known as the culture of urn burial, since it was the custom of this people to cremate their dead and bury their ashes in urns."
"Amazing isn't it."
They kept quiet as the waitress served them their min courses.
"But I think that most of today's linguists are of the opinion that the people of the urn burial culture were the Veneti."
"Veneti? Sounds like Venice?"
They kept quiet looking at each other as if inspired.
"Yes. It was by this name that they were mentioned several centuries later, by Greek sources, in the form 'Enetoi', for example …" There was an overweight woman walking beside a skinny companion. "… For example by Herodotus, in the Fifth Century B. C."
They chewed and masticated, enjoying their dish.
"But … the question is whether or not it should be admitted that the Veneti were a proto-Slavonic people, and that Slovenes originate from them."
"Well … for the names of many mountains, rivers, town and villages, of Slovene origin that is, … it can be found in Alpine regions all the way to central Switzerland."
"Ah, yes! Swiss chocolate!"
"And Swiss watches!"
They laughed a bit.
"Now … these regions were, in prehistoric times, settled only by the Veneti."
"Venetians, that is."
"Aliens from outer space probably."
Linda chuckled, holding her mouthful.
"In historic sources … at least concerning Slav settlement in the Balkans, … there is actually no mention of Slav settlements even in the Eastern Alps, let alone in the Central Alps, as far as Switzerland."
They kept quiet and were surprised that the waitress brought them the bill in a leather envelope. Rest of their food seemed tasteless suddenly.