I wrote this months ago for an annual film contest my school holds but I never actually produced it. It's just a goofy little story.

[SWEET TANK and friends are playing around with a football. They clearly are not very good at all. Suddenly, TONY BRADY and his gang of thugs ride up.]

FRIEND 1: [squinting] "hey, is that Tom Brady, starting Quarterback of the New England Patriots?"

FRIEND 2: "no, it's Tony Brady, his cruel and extremely wealthy twin brother!"

BRADY: "well if it isn't Sweet Tank, and his loser friends!" [thugs laugh and high five]

ST: "hey!"

[one of the friends is now inexplicably standing with Tony Brady's gang]

BRADY: "you do have a pretty sweet tank" [everyone nods in agreement] "but that's not gonna be enough to stop my team from winning the annual two-hand touch football tournament this Sunday"

ST: "curse you scoundrels!"

BRADY: [gang already riding away laughing maniacally] "See you zeroes this Sunday!"

FRIEND 1: [depressed] "he's right man…we don't stand a chance with just us"

ST: "we just need to assemble a good crew. A league of heroes – and I know just where to start"

[In a dark and stuffy room. A figure is sitting in a chair facing the corner, wrapped in a blanket. Sweet Tank and his friends walk in]

ST: [looking around uncertainly] "Hello?"

[STEVE THE SMASHER turns around in a frenzy]

STEVE: "who dares enter my vestibule of pain!?"

SWT: "are you…Steve the Smasher?"

STEVE: [snickers] "aye, some may call me that"

FRIEND 2: "they say you used to be a great running back – one of the best in the two-hand touch league."

FRIEND 1: "Even the strongest linebackers in the industry couldn't touch you with both their hands at once!"

STEVE: [nods reflectively] "aye. And now…"

[He gestures to the floor. The ground in front of him is littered with broken beer bottles and crushed beer cans]

SWT: "you're…an alcoholic?"

STEVE: [sighs] "no, you insolent fool. I am a smasher."

SWT: [clearly still doesn't understand]

STEVE: "did they ever tell ye the story of how I got the name 'smasher'?"

[Flashback. It's earlier that same day. Steve is playing football with Sweet Tank and his friends. Everybody is having fun. Suddenly, Steve collides with Friend 1. Close-up of Steve, who has an incredibly exaggerated look of horror on his face]

STEVE: "Nooooooooooooo!"

[Flashback dissolves. Steve the Smasher is gazing thoughtfully into the distance]

STEVE: "I realized that day that I cannot live safely amongst the mortals; they cannot ever handle my true power. Now I live out my life in bitter solitude, smashing things to try and quell the raging beast that dwells within me"

FRIEND 1: "Wait, are you talking about practice this morning? I'm fine man, I didn't even get hurt!"

STEVE: "Spare me your pity!" [Looks at his hands in despair] "These hands…they were only meant to destroy!"

SWT: "That's not true! Steve, you used to be a champion – not even the hardest two-hand-touching safeties in the league could bring you down. It could be like that again if you just believe in yourself!"

STEVE: [rises to his feet in anger] "that's easy for you to say! It didn't happen to you! You're not the one who has to live with being a killer!"

FRIEND 1: "again…I'm really fine…"

STEVE: "all of you are just jackals, come to mock my misery. Well I've had enough!" [he sits down again and swivels away. He snatches the bong off his desk] "Begone! And leave me to the sweet, forgiving kiss of my water-pipe"

[He tries to light the bowl but nothing happens. He takes it out and inspects it]

STEVE: "fuck, I'm out"

FRIEND 2: "dude just call up your tobacco dealer man"

STEVE: "I can't – I don't have any fucking money!" [he throws his lighter against the wall and collapses back in his chair, sighing with his head in his hands]

[Suddenly Steve seems disturbed. He pats at his stomach, greatly confused. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a cheaply made flyer. It's an ad for the football tournament. The grand prize is listed at $100]

STEVE: [looks up at the sky/ceiling and nods slowly] "well played"

SWT: "so you'll join the team!?"

STEVE: [stands up] "I'll join. But if we're gonna play…we're gonna play to win"

[Cheesy 80s rock music begins to play. Cut to a montage of Sweet Tank, his friends, and Steve training for the championship. Idk specifically about the montage yet but ideally it is just a collection of scenes with the team demonstrating utter incompetence at all times. Shouldn't be too long (maybe a minute?)]

[As the music winds down, cut to the championship field. Sweet Tank is there with his friends – but Steve is conspicuously absent]

FRIEND 2: [pacing anxiously] "he's still not here man – I told you we should've gotten a sub!"

SWT: "don't worry. He'll be here" [looks up to the sky intensely] "I know it."

[Tony Brady and his friends arrive, looking smug. They are dressed at maximum douche]

BRADY: "well, well, well. Look what my expensive Persian house cat dragged in…"

SWT: "ready to lose, Brady!?"

BRADY: [laughing] "what are you talking about, Tank? You don't even have enough players! There's four players on a football team – everybody knows that!" [his gang laughs] "you lowlifes will just have to forfeit…"

STEVE: "not so fast!"

[Steve arrives onscreen. Sweet Tank and his friends are elated]

SWT: "Steve! You actually came!"

STEVE: "that's what she said." [puts on his business face] "and I'm ready to mop the floor with these douches!"

BRADY: [irritated] "fine! We'll deal with you ingrates the old-fashioned way" [points to the referee] "start the game! And may the wealthiest man win…"

[cut to Sweet Tank and his team in the huddle]

FRIEND 1: "what's the play?"

SWT: "just get the ball to Steve" [looks at Steve] "he'll do the rest…"

[they break huddle; start lining up]

BRADY: "spread out! 401k formation!"

SWT: "hike!"

[The ball is hiked to Sweet Tank. He hands it off to Steve while the friends block. Eventually, Brady has an opportunity to tag Steve, but he clearly veers off at the last second out of fear. Steve goes on for the TD]

THUG 1: "what the hell man, you just let him score!"

BRADY: [petulant] "my shoe was untied!" [impatient] "Squire! Assist me at once!"

[Tony Brady's SQUIRE runs over and crouches down on all fours like a footstool. Brady puts his shoe up on the servant's back to tie it. When he finishes, he kicks the squire over]

BRADY: "give me the rock" [he's given the rock. It's a football] "if you boys want a shootout, I'll give you a shootout!"

[It's the 4th Quarter. The clock is running out. The score is tied 7-7. Sweet Tank's team has the ball well inside their own 20. They're huddled up]

FRIEND 1: "this looks bad man"

SWT: "we still have one last play we can run: the Hail Mary." [general round of astonished gasping] "you guys will draw away the defenders while Steve streaks to the endzone"

STEVE: [looks shaken] "no…I can't do it…"

SWT: "what!?"

STEVE: "didn't you ever hear the story?"

[Flashback. It's the most recent play from that same game. Sweet Tank's team has the ball. Steve runs a slant route but can't bring in the pass]

STEVE: "Nooooooooooooo!"

[Flashback dissolves]

FRIEND 2: "that literally just happened!"

SWT: "Steve, we need you for this play man – everyone's counting on you!"

STEVE: "I just can't do it alright!? I can't!"

SQUIRE: [weakly] "…Steve…"

[Steve turns in surprise. The squire is still lying on his side in the middle of the field, exactly as he was before. Steve hurries over]

SQUIRE: "you…can't give up, Steve…"

[Steve kneels down]

SQUIRE: "I used to watch you on TV…when I was just a boy. You…were my hero…"

STEVE: "but I'm not a hero Squire…"

SQUIRE: [coughs and wheezes sickly] "you are to me…"

BRADY: [gleefully] "fifteen seconds left!"

FRIEND 1: "what're we gonna do man? We don't have a play – and if the game ends in a tie, they win for dramatic effect!"

STEVE: [jogs back over] "lets run the Hail Mary" [looks at Sweet Tank] "I'll go long. I can make the catch"

SWT: [nods knowingly] "let's do it boys"

[They run to the line. Tony Brady is manned-up on Steve the Smasher]

BRADY: [simpering] "Hopefully I don't fall asleep, covering such a sorry-ass receiver…"

SWT: "hike!"

[Steve streaks for the end zone. He loses Tony Brady effortlessly. Cut to a slow-mo shot of Sweet Tank throwing the football as hard as he can. The camera cuts again to Steve, standing squarely in the endzone all alone. Somebody just off-screen gently throws him the ball and he catches it easily]

REF: "Touchdown Tanks!"

[Sweet Tank's team goes crazy celebrating. Tony Brady approaches in a huff.]

BRADY: "don't celebrate just yet you street rats!"

SWT: "what do you want?"

BRADY: "I think you gentlemen may have missed the fine print" [he points to the tiny lettering typed beneath '$100 prize'.] "the rules of the contest say that the winners will be paid $100…in shares of my investment firm!"

STEVE: "what!?"

FRIEND 1: "this is actually a great opportunity guys. Brady Capital is among the most successful venture capital firms in history, with money invested in virtually every major business initiative across the globe"

BRADY: "he's right. I've done you an enormous favor"

FRIEND 2: [beaming] "wow…thanks Brady!"

SWT: [friendly now] "you should come to the dining hall with us man"

BRADY: "you guys go on ahead. I'll catch up"

[The team ambles away happily. It's just Tony Brady and his Squire]

BRADY: "Squire!" [he snaps his fingers and points] "make sure all my equipment gets packed up into my limo"

SQUIRE: [thinks for a moment, as if he is just now reaching a realization] "…no."

BRADY: [turns back around, taken aback] "what did you just say to me?"

SQUIRE: [more forcefully this time] "I said…no."

BRADY: [seething] "how dare you." [starts walking toward the Squire] " You have a lot of nerve to-"

[Suddenly the Squire chucks a football right at Tony Brady's face. Brady tries to put his hands up to catch it, but he's too incompetent – the ball goes through his hands and pegs him. He falls over onto the ground, unconscious completely. The camera focuses up close on the laces of the ball as the Squire slowly walks away]