Once upon a – SHUT THE HELL UP

In a magical kingdom – FULL OF SOCIOPATHS

There lived a princess called – IT'S NOT MY REAL NAME, OKAY?

It's a NICKNAME, for the record. Because only an

ASSHOLE would call their kid SNOW WHITE.

And Disney got it ALL WRONG. I am actually not A DUMBASS.

Here's how it REALLY WENT:

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

Am I a crazy bitch, after all?"

"No, Your Majesty, of course you're not,

It's perfectly okay to leave your step-child to rot."

"I knew it, that liar! I've had enough,

I'm going to call her on her bluff."

So that was the day the Queen lost her last screw

She doesn't get sarcasm, what could we do?

I got the hell out and I ran for my life,

Away from the misery and all of that strife.

I tried to get hidden as well as I could,

She was scary as hell and out for my blood.

I played it smart and I went to a place

As unexpected as a spot on my face.

They weren't miners, what a stereotype,

They were an organization and they helped people, right?

Even though I may not have been little

They took pity on me, plus I make some great brittle.

So I lived there for a while, it was totally legit,

They didn't fawn over me or I would have split.

But then one day an old friend came around,

Selling some apples, she seemed so proud.

She told me her grandson had an orchard,

I couldn't say no so I gave her some quarters.

If you MUST know, she always so harmless

She was very kind and I couldn't be heartless.

Turns out the Queen had found me at last

But even a royal can be recast.

She knew if she killed me she'd have to pay

So she tried to be subtle and did it this way.

She wasn't a witch and was not in disguise

She paid off a woman with whom I had ties.

In this "magical" kingdom, so many are poor,

That eventually, some even do things they abhor.

So there I was, dying from a poisoned apple

Such a shitty situation, even I couldn't grapple.

You want to know what I was thinking?

I wish I could say it was worthy of singing.

But this wasn't a musical, despite common belief,

And all I could think was, "Dear God, I can't breathe."

But as luck would have it, it wasn't my end

Some guy saw me falling – I guess a godsend.

Pretty good with a crisis, he sent for a doctor

Can you believe it? Some people aren't monsters.

Now this is something I'd like to keep straight,

Some stupid ass rumors I HAVE to mitigate.

I was only dead for, like, three minutes.

It's not so unusual in many a clinic.

They got there quickly and all was well,

I wasn't under some ridiculous spell.

And, come on, you really think it was a kiss?

It was CPR – my body was calling it quits!

(Of course, our first date's a different story,

But that one's still personal, I'm so (not) sorry.)

So thanks a lot Disney for your completely false feature,

I'd just like to put it out there – I'm not some lost creature.

(Although I must say you have made better movies

Cause Tiana's JUST LIKE THAT, it's totallyspooky.)