11/14/20 5:29 PM/p
Damn, I wasn't planning on using this shit ever again, but I'm dead ass feeling very intense right now. Is this the side effects of having a possibly undiagnosed mental illness?
Bitch, I'm feeling fucking energetic like I wanna cut my genitals off in the name of emotions intense.
I feel so fucking shitty all the time, and I don't know how to talk about it to anyone because I don't want to be toxic! "But I don't know how to stop besides telling myself to chill the fuck out and itll be better tomorrow. But every morning I go to bed feeling like shit and every day I wake up feeling like shit.
But I don't want to put anyone through shit so I just act moody and vague and then work on shit all day until the point I burn out and don't wanna do shit but then ifeel fucking bad for doing that too. Like fuck man, I just wanna wake up having the ability to do art and be friendly and fun to people so they'll befriend me but I'm always stuck doing the fuck work with no payback. Is this self-pitying shit? Probably?
But I don't give a fuck its not like anyone's going to ever read this so it's not like it matters. I guess the gist is I'm so tired of trying to be the best me and getting nowhere because I feel taken for granted. But I don't know what to do because I don't want to fuck up what I do have.

Why cant I just be happy with how I am now. Why do I have to want to be more? Is it the fact people all my life tell me I can do great things but the fact that they follow it with the fact I never live up to my full potential? Like sorry I have great mark making abilities but my arts lacking something but you don't know what to do to help. Like that's useful.

Man I wish I wasn't mentally ill and fucked up emotionally because I just want to be normal. But no I just got to become a stupid ass girl with a misunderstood identity labels that don't mean fuck all because secretly im something else. I don't think ive felt this bad since I was 18 and a freshman in college, but here we are kids.
Feeling insecure and incompetent and like im going to fuck up everything ive worked so hard for because I don't have access to therapy. Fuck me. I guess.

11.14.20 8:44PM

I ended up exploding emotionally to my friend and now I feel very bad. Also, my girlfriend caught me crying just as she was about to go pick up the apartment so instead she sat with me while I cried. Then we had Vietnamese food and boba and now I feel better.

Not great, but I guess I'm happy I have friends that are nice enough to look after me.