Today I went to Costco to gas up.
With the gas pumps, there's only one way in and one way out. There are HUGE white arrows painted on the black pavement indicating which way you're supposed to travel. There are numerous signs that read "DO NOT ENTER!" "EXIT!" "EXIT ONLY!" and they're all painted in a bright red. Not even Ray Charles could miss them. And, if I haven't made my point clearly enough already, there are the white signs: "Enter" "Enter For Gas." Again, you could put a blindfold on Stevie Wonder, and he would have had no problems finding the entrance and exit to the gas pumps.
Costco being where you can get cheap gas, the lines are all long Except for one. I can do the math, that pump must be broken. But, as I drive closer to the pumps, I notice there's a car there... and it's pointed the WR0NG WAY!
This driver-a female-had ignored all the signs, the exiting traffic, the long lines of cars all pointed in a particular direction, and she STILL drove in the wrong way to get gas. I parked in front of her, pointed in the right direction. I get out and started to pump my gas. She exits her car, and looks at me funny, as if I'M in the wrong.
"I don't know if you noticed," I politely inform her, "but you're going the wrong way."
She is still looking at me.
"This is a one way," I say, and gesture toward the thirty-plus cars facing her. "ALL the traffic comes this way."
The young woman smiles-and it's a nice smile-and she tells me, "I know, but my gas cap is on this side," indicating the side facing pump.
WWJD? He'd think WTF? and let it end there.
She just stands there, smiling at me.
Being a guy who's not dead, I couldn't help but notice that she wasn't bad looking. That's probably why she's been able to go through life without having to pay attention to silly little things like which direction she needs to travel in.
There was an accident on the freeway the other morning around 3am. Sadly, there was one fatality. It seems someone was heading west in the lanes that were supposed to be traveling east, and they caused a major pile-up.
I wondered where that girl was that day. Anyway...
I tell her, "So is the gas cap on my car, but the gas hose is long enough to pull around the car. You drove in the wrong way."
"Yes, but my gas cap is on this side." she patiently explains to me, giving me a poor-you look, and pointing to the side nearest the pump.
I stand there. Now it's my turn to look at her. Finally, I smile and walk away... not my problem. Besides, what does Maloney always tell me? "You can't help the stupid."
The gas attendant finally opens her eyes and sees the wrong-way woman-I don't know how she missed her (yes, I do... she was on her cell phone)-and comes over to explain the routine. Being a guy who's not blind, I couldn't help but notice that the female attendant wasn't bad looking. I smile at her, and she smiles back at me.
Finally, the bozo (make that bozette) gets it. She is asked to back up and drive around and enter correctly. The woman is nice enough not to argue and does as she is told. You know, before I retired, I used to have authority, too. I would speak, and people would listen and do as they were told.
What happened? Anyway...
I let my mind wander.
You know, like I've told Maloney, thank God for stupid women, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten lucky half as often as did.
Bless old Wrong-Way's heart.
I needed a second opinion, so I call my buddy Maloney, and he agrees.
"You can't help the stupid," he says.
"So... how's it going with your mother-in-law?" I ask him.
I'm not particularly interested (I've got enough problems of my own), but maybe, if his horror stories are worse than mine, I'll feel better.
He tells me about how his wife always buys him two gingerbread cookies that are in the shape of a pig when she goes to the bakery on Sunday mornings where she buys menudo.. Menudo is a kind of Mexican stew made with posole (hominy) and tripe (a cow's stomach lining). Trust me, it's delicious. Just ask Andrew Zimmern. Anyway...
Maloney will eat one on the day she brings them home, and then he'll take the second one with him to work the next day for lunch. It's a regular routine with him. Maloney is a lot of things, and one of those things he is, is a creature of habit.
The only problem is, when he goes to eat his first gingerbread pig, he sees his mother-in-law already chowing down on it.
She gives him a big smile.
"I saved you one," she tells him. Chomp!
Maloney tells her, "Thank you."
What else can he say?
But Maloney can do the math.
He doesn't see it as his mother-in-law saving him a gingerbread pig. He sees it as his mother-in-law eating a gingerbread pig.
His gingerbread pig
You can't help the Maloney.