Ryan's Arc: the prelude

It was the autumn of my freshman year and your sophomore year, we met through a mutual friend and fell in love. And for the first year of our love, we were going the distance for one another. Despite the time differences, you called every day during your lunch break (and the time when I would return home from school).

Then fear seeped in and I began backing away - purposely taking my time walking from the bus stop. Or even getting off at the stop before mine so I would miss your call. I took my time returning your letters and slowly began hating everything. The distance. Everyone else's happiness but most of all: myself. At the time I was in need of someone to be physically there for me when you were not. Although you often brought up the notion of coming over and staying, I refused to appear weak in front of you. And in front of others.

I was spiraling out of control. And I hated myself for it. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop myself from doing awful things with other guys when I had you. I cheated and cheated time again. I hurt you over and over and felt little regret for my actions. My only real regret about the three years and two months we spent as an 'us' is that I let it last that long. Two years longer than it should have. I wish I had the strength to do what I did in December of my senior year of high school sooner...

You might not have suffered and you might have healed sooner and found someone. Someone better than me. Better for you. Someone who would like to receive phone calls or text messages from you daily. Someone who could make you smile instead of causing you pain. Someone who wouldn't make you cry and wonder what you did wrong.

Maybe if I had been more open to talking, things could have ended better for the both of us. I don't wish to turn back time and fix my mistakes because without the pain I put you through you wouldn't have found your happiness.

Your happily ever after.

And mine.

With two people that wasn't someone either of us expected to be.