Monday October 7, 2013 – The problem is…

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm not sure how.

They're giving me these new pills next week as part of an open trial experiment. It's supposed to help me combat my crippling social anxiety or whatever. I'm not a pussy. You need to understand that. I have a legitimate problem. I've had it for as long as I can remember, these panic attacks. They tell me the depression and paranoia is comorbid. That it comes with the combo deal, like everything else.

I'm not sure how the pills will work exactly. Dr. Strickland, the guy running the experiment, said something about manipulating dopamine levels in the brain. I don't know. I've tried everything else; other drugs, counseling. Nothing works. Not optimistic but it's worth a try, plus the experiment is free, which is great because I'm broke. I shouldn't be, but I am. If you knew anything about me you'd understand. I should be, as my namesake suggests, the luckiest motherfucker you know. And I guess I sort of was at one point, but those days are long gone.

You see, my parents used to be rich. Not a comfortable, six-digits a year rich, either. I'm talking millions. Once upon a time my folks won the Texas lottery. That was a year before I was born. 72 million after taxes. The same night they won I was conceived on the hood of a brand new, candy green Corvette Stingray convertible. Nine months later I was born, and my parents had already blown through upwards of three quarters of their fortune. But of course my folks still had the tenacity to name me Lucky. Lucky fucking Whetzel. I remember the kids in my first grade class used to call me Lucky Weasel. But by that time I was seven and my folks were broke. Again.

Anyway, now that you understand the kind of genes that I'm working with here I should probably warn you that the things I am going to share with you aren't pretty, or cohesive, for that matter. But all of it is 100% real. I'm not big on writing or blogging or anything but Dr. Strickland needs for me to keep one for the duration of the experiment. I will do my best to convey my experiences so that paranoid recluses everywhere may live their lives to the fullest.