Parodypasta: The League of Creepypasta Supervillains
In every major city in the world there is an old abandoned warehouse that is home to the local League of Creepypasta Supervillains. This league varies depending on the location, but today we going to focus on a very special league that makes its home in Burlington, Vermont. This supervillain group is composed of some of the very well-known villains on the internet including Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Jane The Killer, Black Eyes Kids, and the organization leader, Ben (Drowned).
Today we join our antiheroes as they attend the annual League evaluation. You see, to stay in the LOCS, each member has to prove that they are scary enough to be part of the organization. If they can't prove their worth, they are moved to the League's sister organization, the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. Once there they must undergo thorough training in the scary arts until they are creepy enough to be accepted back into the League again.
As the head of the Burlington League, Ben (Drowned) is issuing all of the tests on this fine Halloween Eve. And so another year of evaluations is set to take place.
Ben (Drowned) Looked over his recruits with an obvious look of distain. He always hated evaluation day because his group of supervillains always barely made the cut. He shook his head as he paced back and forth in front of them.
"Well it's that time of year again when I have to put you maggots to the test. Of all the supervillains I could have received from headquarters I got you sorry pathetic excuses for creepypasta terrors. Did you know that the London branch has Jack the Ripper? As in the real guy? And what do I get stuck with? You rejects! You better have improved since the last evaluation or being transferred to the AOTS will be the least of your worries. Do you understand?"
All of the members said, "Sir, yes sir!" in unison except for Slendy who held up a sign that said the same thing as he didn't have a mouth to speak with. Ben (Drowned) sighed and put a clipboard he was holding to eye-level so he could read the names of the members he had to evaluate first. When he read it he grumbled something to himself and then said louder, "Black Eyed Kids, I need you to step forward now!"
There were many BEKs in the world as they were the unfulfilled souls of children and teenager so naturally each organization had a few. In this particular branch there were four: Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde each named after the Pac Man ghosts by headquarters as they had long forgotten their original names. Ben (Drowned) felt this was a mockery of his organization by headquarters as his branch held the bottom of the barrel supervillains. But since it was an order from above, there wasn't much he could do about it. This added to his annoyance over his position in the organization. He was part of the Zelda franchise for God's sake. Couldn't they cut him some slack?
At the moment Ben (Drowned) was thinking of renegotiating his contract with Headquarters the BEKS stepped forward, each staring at him with their soulless black eyes. Ben (Drowned) was unfazed. Their eyes might have been soulless but the way they were placed on the children made them look more like oversized Precious Moments dolls than anything else. He tapped his fingers against the clipboard and gave each one a glance up and down.
"You BEKS are as lame as ever I see," he began, noting that they had updated their clothing to reflect the latest trends among adolescents, preteens, and teens.
"But I won't hold your apparent lack of ghost apparel against you as you have other assets to work with like, oh I don't know, THE THING YOU WERE NAMED AFTER."
At this he got in the face of each one and yelled, "What the heck is with those cute eyes, huh? You are supposed to be terrors of the night, not some anime Chibi rejects!"
The BEKS immediately changed their eyes to something more fitting their description and then they each said in unison, "Sir, yes sir!"
Ben (Drowned) grunted.
"That's more like it. Now, each one of you will give me a report of your best scare of the year. I will start with…Inky."
Inky, a BEK with long black hair and a blue baseball cap gave a salute and stepped forward.
"Sir, yes sir. I will now tell you about my best scare, sir!"
Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to hear.
"Just get on with it."
Inky nervously shuffled in place.
"Eh…Yes sir. Well last Tuesday I think I really scared this kid who was at the supermarket with his mom. But then I felt kind of bad so I invited him over to my place to play a game of hide and seek with the other BEKS. His mom was kind of getting worried though so I brought him back without his memories and put him somewhere the mom could find him. But you could tell she was really worried when he was gone. I must have given her the scare of the century! I did good this time boss, didn't I?"
Inky's look of enthusiasm was met with a deadpan expression from Ben (Drowned).
"That has to be THE LAMEST excuse for a ghost story I have heard since…well the last time you gave me a report. Get back in formation before I get angry."
Inky gave a quick salute and scrambled back to the lineup.
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh and called the next recruit forward.
"Blinky, it's your turn to report. I hope your story will be more thrilling than the last."
The BEK wearing a red baseball cap with short, wavy black hair stepped forward.
"Yes sir! I think you will be pleased with my report. A few weeks ago I morphed my body into the shape of a professor and taught a class about parasites! You should have seen how scared the students were when they left. Even I was a bit grossed out by the topic. I think this is my best scare yet!"
Ben (Drowned) glared at the recruit for a few moments in silence, letting his disapproval of Blinky's antics sink in.
Then he barked, "I am not sure how you managed to beat the complete and utter lack terror present in the last story, but somehow you did. In fact that story was so bad, that I am almost inclined to say it is good out of sheer irony. Now get back in the lineup and reflect on being a better ghost will you?"
Blinky nodded furiously and then got back in formation.
Ben (Drowned) sat looking at the next name on the list for a few moments before continuing on. He considered not calling her name at all as he was certain she had nothing valuable to report but he knew that would be against the rules of headquarter so he called her forward anyway.
"Pinky, get out here and tell me about your progress. I say progress because I know for a fact you haven't been terrorizing anyone. Well, give a report anyway."
Pinky, a BEK with shoulder length black hair parted into two braids which sat on each side of her face and wearing a pink baseball cap stepped forward.
"Yay, I love story time!"
Ben (Drowned) rolled his eyes.
"Unfortunately, I know this all too well. Get on with it."
"A few days ago, I went to the arcade and played DDR with a group of teenagers. It was so much fun! I managed to hide my eyes pretty good too. One guy even said I was pretty. I might have a boyfriend! Of course he will need to get over the whole me being a ghost thing. But anything is possible with true love, wouldn't you agree? I am so excited to introduce him to the other BEKs. I'm inviting him over for a gaming day at my place next week."
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.
"I would tell you to stop dating the people you are supposed to scare, but I've given up on trying to teach you any kind of common sense. It's not worth the effort. Just…just get back in line before I say things I don't mean."
Pinky said, "Okay!" And then giggled as she skipped back into formation.
Ben (Drowned) look down at his clipboard trying to ignore the pinching sensation beginning to form at the sides of his temples which he feared might be another stress induced headache coming on.
"Alright, I saved the best for last. And I use that word in the context of the rest of you of course who have somehow managed to do worse than when you reported to me last year. This is a feat I thought was impossible. But oh how I was proved wrong. Clyde, please tell me that you have at least one thing noteworthy to report. Just one thing."
The BEK in question, who had short spiky black hair and wore an orange baseball cap, stepped forward.
"I've got a good one for you sir!"
Ben (Drowned) remained expressionless.
"Oh how the word 'good' has lost its meaning to me over the years of working with you people. In case, do carry on."
Clyde gave a sideways grin.
"This one is a killer. You see, a few weeks ago, I made myself look like an obese plumber and I stormed into the girl's dressing room of a high school. To add to the effect I told them that I needed to fix a leaky faucet. I think some plumbers crack was visible in the back of my getup too which added to the overall creepiness. They all screamed upon seeing my fat, harry, sweaty plumber form. Of course I think a lot of it was due to the fact that I was a guy in the girl's locker room. But let me tell you, they all were running and screaming within minutes of me going in. It was great!"
Ben (Drowned) had to physically keep himself from tossing the clipboard on the floor in front of him and storming away from the group of rejects in defeat.
After taking a few deep healing breaths he thought long and hard about what he was going to tell the BEKs.
Then he leaned in close to each one and shouted, "Somehow each of you has managed to get the lowest scare rankings in the history of our organization. The ONLY reason this surprises me is because I really didn't think you could do worse than the last time, but your latest adventures have really taken the cake. You've all earned yourselves one way passes to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains unless you can think of one good reason why I should torture myself by keeping you here!"
Pinky giggled and twirled the end of one of her braids around her fingers.
"Oh, I know. We recruited more members. Doesn't that give us an automatic pass no matter what?"
Ben (Drowned) nodded.
"Unfortunately…yes. That is how you sorry excuses for creatures of the night end up passing your test every year and continuing to annoy me with your presences in this organization. As a formality I am going to tell you how to improve, although I doubt any amount of advice I give will be of any help to you."
"Sir, yes sir!" They said in unison, eager to receive their evaluations.
Ben (Drowned) mumbled some words under his breath and then pointed at Inky.
"I'll start with You! When you haunt kids and take them away, DON'T BRING THEM BACK. I don't care how sad or lonely they are. That is ghost lesson number one."
"Yes sir!" Said Inky, happy to receive her orders from the boss.
Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to her name and then pointed at Blinky.
"As for you, giving educational lessons to the youth is NOT IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION! Next time, turn into your ghost form and scare kids the way you are supposed to. Do you understand?"
Blinky gave an earnest salute.
"Sir, yes sir!" He said and then wrote down the advice on how he could improve on a small notepad he had brought to the meeting.
Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to his name and then pointed to Pinky.
"And as for you…I don't even know where to begin. There is so much wrong with your approach to scarring people that I wouldn't have enough time to list everything. But you can start by scaring kids and STOP TRYING TO DATE THEM. Are we clear on this?"
Pinky let out an exasperated sigh.
"Fine. I'll cancel my date with Travis. He probably wouldn't understand that I'm a ghost anyway."
Ben (Drowned) put a mark next to Pinky's name and then pointed to Clyde.
"Last but certainly not least, is you. Out of this entire group of BEK idiots you have the most potential. But your approach is always wrong. Let me just inform you, that walking into the girl's locker room disguised as a fat plumber is NOT SCARY IN THE LEAST. Next time, appear in the locker room in your ghost form and I don't know, add in some wailing sounds or something for effect. Do I need to spell it out for you?"
"No sir! I'll do better next time sir!" He said, after giving a quick salute.
Ben (Drowned) checked his notes to make sure they would meet the organization's approval and then turned back to face the members of his branch with a large frown on his face.
"Although I would like to believe that you idiots will follow my advice, I have my doubts. Now I will move onto the next evaluation before my headache gets any worse."
He looked at the next name on the list and then said, "Jeff The Killer, please step forward and tell me your best scare of the year. Hurry up. I don't have all day."
Jeff stepped forward and stared at Ben (Drowned) with his yellow, lidless eyes.
"Sir, yes sir! Jeffy The Killer is reporting in."
Ben (Drowned) took a good look at Jeff from top to bottom and then rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger. His headache was getting worse by the second and he still had a long way to go.
"I have told you this multiple times, Jeff. Stop wearing clown makeup. And stop making your body appear white to add to the effect. If you look like a clown, you character will be too similar to the joker and the organization doesn't want another lawsuit on their hands."
Jeff stuck out his lower lip in a pouting motion.
"Aww, why so serious?"
Ben (Drowned) promptly smacked Jeff over the head with his clipboard.
"And that's another thing; stop using the Joker's catchphrases. It is going to get us in trouble with DC comics. Do you understand?"
Jeff shrugged and snapped his fingers. No sooner had he done so, all of the clown pain melted away. However, the white ghostly complexion still remained. Ben (Drowned) tapped his foot impatiently.
"You've gotten rid of the clown makeup. Now the pasty, white completion has got to go. Come on. Stop wasting all of our time."
Jeff let out a sigh and snapped his fingers again. His skin turned into a pale blue color with darkened edges.
"I like my white skin though, Benny. I would only do this for you."
Ben (Drowned) shot Jeff a look.
"Do NOT call me Benny. You know that I hate that. Now, get on with telling me about your best scare of the year."
Jeff laughed manically and then said, "Oh this is a good one. It will put all of the other reports to shame, I can guarantee that!"
Ben (Drowned) huffed.
"Yes, well I'll be the judge of that. Go on."
Jeff rubbed his hands together as if he was plotting something wicked and then said, "Three months ago I snuck into a man's house and starting making ghostly noises. You know, the door slamming. The floorboards creaking. All of the standard stuff. I did this every night for a month. Then I started letting him hear the unsettling noises during the day, everywhere he went. The guy thought he had lost his mind! Then at the last minute I appeared and told him to Go To Sleep. Unfortunately, he was completely crazy by then so for some reason he thought I was funny. I ended up being his personal jester for a few weeks until they carted him off to the loony bin. But before that, he really was scared. You should have seen the look on his face hearing the same creepy noises night after night. It was classic!"
Ben (Drowned)'s expression remained unchanged.
"So you mean to tell me that your biggest accomplishment this year is helping to push an already mentally disturbed person off the deep end? Oh but it doesn't end there. Your victim thought you were funny. They even sounded like they enjoyed getting carted away to the funny farm. It isn't our job to entertain crazy people! Get back in formation right now so I can give you your full evaluation."
Jeff cocked his head to one side.
He muttered, "Hmm…I thought it was a good one for sure," before floating back to his space in line next to the other organization members.
Ben (Drowned) stared Jeff down and roared, "You barely passed this year's evaluation on account of the fact that your approach was creative. But like usual, your execution was WAY OFF. You are a mascot pasta. Your job is to scare your victims; not drive them to the loony bin. And you certainly don't entertain them for laughs. Do you understand?"
Jeff brought his head up from its sideways pose and gave a lazy salute.
"Whatever you say Benny."
Ben (Drowned) Smacked Jeff with his clipboard again and then checked Jeff's name off of the list.
"I told you not to call me that. Anyway, off to the next member. Let's see here…"
Jeff glanced at the next name and turned pale. It was the first time since the meeting started that he genuinely felt intimidated. He tried not to let his discomfort show as he called the next name.
"Jane The Killer, please step forward."
Jane slinked forward from the lineup of organization members, giggling insanely as she went.
"I like it when it's my turn to play." She said between crazed chuckles.
Ben (Drowned) cleared his throat.
"Well, you aren't really here to play, are you? Just give me a summary of the best scary thing you've done this year so we can get this meeting over with."
Jane giggled some more and then said, "Before I came to the meeting, I set all of your houses on fire. I liked watching them slowly burn to ash one by one. I felt that it went well with that old kid's song, so I sung along as the houses burned. Ring around the rosie, Pockets full of poesies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down. See, see how well it goes? It was ever so delightful. Judging by the way all of you are looking at me right now, I think I did a good job of scarring people. That should give me an automatic pass for sure."
Ben (Drowned) remained silent as he immediately took out his cellphone to dial in a 5-8 emergency. Two men in suits showed up in front of him a few minutes later and waited for further instruction.
Ben pointed toward where the company houses were located with a grim look on his face.
"Jane set the organization housing units on fire. Get all of the personnel gathered and fix the problem as quickly as possible. Use supernatural building techniques if necessary. I expect a complete rebuild by the end of the meeting."
The two men saluted and ran off to gather more men to complete the task. With the immediate problem solved, Ben (Drowned) instructed Jane to get back in line and await her evaluation. Jane complied, laughing insanely as she went.
Ben (Drowned) shot Jane a look and yelled, "You crazy little pop tart. You are full aware that it is against organization policy to scare or harm fellow LOCS members. That little stunt of yours has surely earned you a one way ticket to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. That is unless by some miracle you can think of way to redeem yourself."
Jane was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the extreme fear she had driven into the hearts of her fellow teammates.
Ben (Drowned) impatiently tapped his fingers against the main face of his clipboard.
Jane gave a creepy smile and said, "I recruited a new member a few days ago. She is my new special friend. According to organization rules, that means I get an automatic pass. Here she is!"
Jane held up the famous haunted Ragedy Anne doll Annabell. Annabell gave a salute with one of her patchwork arms.
Ben (Drowned) shook his head.
"I don't even want to know how you managed to get your hands on that…thing. Very well. As Annabell will probably up the scary level of our organization, you get a pass by recommendation. But don't you ever pull a crazy stunt like that on fellow organization members again. Have I made myself clear?"
"Oh I won't cause any more trouble for the organization. Annabell and I will be too busy making new friends."
The thought of Annabell and Jane causing trouble together sent a chill up Ben's spine. He shook off the feeling as he placed a check next to Jane's name and moved on to evaluate the last member on the list.
"Slenderman, it is your turn."
Slenderman came floating forward from the lineup, his back tentacles moving in all directions as he went.
Ben (Drowned) gave him a look up and down and rolled his eyes.
"You are still wearing that suit, I see. How many times do I have to tell you that dressing like that does not make you look intimidating?"
Slendy held up a sign that read, "It makes me look stylish."
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.
"Well headquarters doesn't really impose a dress code, so I can't fault you on wanting to keep up with the latest fashion trends."
Upon mentioning fashion, the BEKs all giggled in the line.
"Anyways," Ben (Drowned) continued, "Get on with telling me about your best scare of the year so we can end this meeting and all go home. Well that is provided the organization cleanup team has fixed the company houses by then."
He shot Jane a look after saying that, who simply chuckled and started to brush Annabell's hair.
Slendy nodded and held up various signs which together spelled out his story.
All together the signs read, "You are going to love my story. Four months ago, I snuck into the theater four times and watched all the latest releases for free. Last week I double parked my bike on the way back from giving candy to children at the park. On many different occasions I jay walked right in front of the cops. Of course they couldn't see me as I was in invisible at the time, but I still did it. I even…"
Slendy paused for dramatic effect and then held up some other signs that read, "Didn't show up for work! You know because I took that office job as a hobby. Isn't my social disobedience scary?"
Ben (Drowned) pinched the bridge of his nose, deep in thought about what he should say next. His headache was almost reaching a nuclear level at this point. After taking a few calming breaths, he walked up to Slenderman and shouted, "You are a creepypasta mascot like Jeff. Your job isn't to be a rebel on your days off. It is to scare people. I don't care how you do it…I don't even want to know what you are doing until next year's evaluation. My heart wouldn't be able to take any more bad scary stories until that time. But however you figure out how to scare people…do it! Now get back in line so I can give you your full report."
Slenderman held up a sign that said, "K den," and floated back into line next to his other teammates.
Ben (Drowned) towered over Slendy and barked, "The next time you are at the theater, scare the people watching the movies while you are there! While you are double parking your bike or jaywalking scare any police officer you come across! When you are at the park, strike terror into the hearts of children; DO NOT GIVE THEM CANDY. While you are working at your office job, take some time to intimidate your office mates. It isn't that hard to figure out but I've spelled it out for you. Do you think you can do those simple tasks at the very least? Huh?"
Slenderman nodded furiously and held up a sign that said, "I'll do my best."
Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples and put a check next to Slenderman's name before continuing on.
"Once again, you barely passed your evaluation. The only reason you passed is on the promise of improvement. You better work hard to scare some people or I am shipping you off to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains for extra training. Do you understand me?"
Slendy held up a sign that said, "Sir, yes sir!"
Ben (Drowned) took out some headache suppressant medication he kept in his pocket and downed a few pills before continuing on.
Once he started the pills to take effect he said, "Your evaluations are over. You are free to take the rest of the day off or oh, I don't know, actually go out and scare some people."
Ben (Drowned)'s cell phone vibrated. He answered the call, made some confirmation noises, and then flipped it close, ending the call before turning to face the recruits again.
"It looks like all of the company houses have been rebuilt. You are now also free to return home if you like. So all that being said, this seventh annual evaluation meeting of the League of Creepy Supervillains is officially closed."
The organization members all gave a final salute and then wandered off to either take the rest of the day off, head home, or work on their various scaring techniques.
Ben (Drowned) watched them all leave, the headache starting to fade if only a little bit. The only highlight of that entire ordeal was that the organization had gained a somewhat credible member in Annabell. He would call her into the office and take care of her paperwork later.
For now he just wanted to forget everything that had just taken place. He returned to his company home, popped in the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and used it to connect with another Zelda player somewhere in the world. As the player made their way to the Happy Mask Salesman, Ben popped up behind him in his ghost form and said, "help me. I…am Ben." Ben watched as the player dropped his controller and screamed. He smiled. It was the perfect end to any meeting.