When I was eleven I was obsessed with Greek Myths. Any book on Greek mythology that I could get my hand on I would read and devour. Each myth was a new adventure, full or drama. The stories had everything: dashing heroes, monsters, beautiful gods and goddess, majestic cities and my personal favourite tales of epic and hopeless love. Bear in mind now that I was eleven and most of the stories that I read were highly adapted with had very large illustrations next to them. When I look back now I realize how foolishly naïve I was.
What these myths really are about is pain and regret and tragedy. They are about human vulnerability. Can you imagine the anguish of Oedipus when he realised that he had killed his father and married his mother unknowingly? Can you imagine what Ariadne felt when Theseus abandoned her in Crete after she had betrayed her own father to help him kill the Minotaur?
The truth is nobody knows how to spin a good tragedy like the Greeks. In the moment that you ask me to marry you, I can picture Homer, with an evil grin dictating passages to some poor sod sitting up there in heaven.
I look at your face. Your honest open eyes and your warm smile, that smile that has always reminded me of hot chocolate on a cold winters day. I look at your arms, the same arms that have held me at night and kept the nightmares at bay for the past year. In that moment I can picture our lives together. I imagine us living a quite life, surrounded by home and family. It is a good life, the life we would lead.
Part of me, a very large part of me wants to say yes. I actually want it so badly that when I say no to you, I feel like my insides are being physically ripped apart. Let yourself be happy a voice in my head screams! You deserve it. But I say no anyway, my darling because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life with a hollow empty girl.
The truth is that I am ill, very seriously ill. When I close my eyes at night another face dances in front of my eyes. The lyrics of a song, the sunlight on a patch a grass, the books that I read, the tattoo on my right shoulder and the one above my heart, they all remind of another face, another voice another pair of arms and another time, very long ago. This ghost from my past has never left.
I thought your laugh would vanquish him and your kindness would cure me. But now I see I am too far-gone. The peace and stillness that feel in your company is only momentary. When the night falls my demon returns to haunt me.
I see Janus dancing in front of me, both his heads taunting me, each urging me to go into opposite directions. My head hurts so bad I can barely see straight, I don't know how I find the strength to let you go, to let the dream of us go, but I do. You can't save me sweetheart, I know you wish you could but you can't. I don't think anyone can because everyday I can feel myself getting sicker, the emptiness eating away at my soul like a cancer until its all I can do just manage to get out of bed in the morning.
The disappointment in your eyes is like a knife turning in my side, making it difficult for me to breathe. I can see the hurt in your eyes and in that moment I am cursing the fates and gods and above all myself. I want to give you my heart. I know there is no one who would take better care of it. But my wanting doesn't change the fact that it's gone and that its been gone for a very long time.
As I watch you walk away I feel a sense of relief. I am resigned to this world of unanswered questions, empty sighs and unfulfilled promises but you don't have to be. By letting you go I've set you free.
Thank you for the light you brought to my life, the laughter and the good conversation. Thank you for the hope and your love and your kindness, long after you have forgotten me, I will remember you and send a quiet blessings your way.