Why? Why did I HAVE to tell them? Why did you have to know her name, that she IS a 'her'? I understand that you care, and I appreciate that a lot; I do. And I know you wouldn't understand this unless you went through it yourself, but I was not ready, I don't even know if I accept myself, I barely have a clue what my sexuality is, and at this point, I'm still not. Do you really believe three months is long enough to figure out one part of my orientation, when I've debated about the other for years? Am I ready to come out to other people if I'm not even certain I even truly liked her, them, or not? Am I ready if I don't know if I'm asexual or not, bi, pan, gay, straight? Am I ready if I don't know if I'm queer or not?

I think I understand why they call it "coming out of the closet." When you are ready, you feel comfortable with yourself, or as much as possible. From the closet you select and wear new clothes that are a little stiff and uncomfortable from the lack of wear, and, either tentatively or with confidence, you step out of the closet and wait to be perceived. In time the clothing will lose its stiffness, and you will become a stronger person, comfortable with who you really are.

When you are not ready, you are not clothed, haven't selected your clothing. You have not accepted yourself for who you are, and nervously, you let them pull open the closet door. You step out, exposed, naked, fearful, like a little child. They expected you to change; it is difficult to go back to the way things once were. Sometimes you find clothing out of the closet, but it is difficult, and it takes even longer for the clothing to lose its stiffness.

So I'm going to ask you again. Why did I have to tell them? Why did I have to tell them? I was not ready, and now I never can be.