The lineage of Blitzen of Nazareth, begat of Snowball, begat of Bambi "The Great" Bambino.
The Great Bambino was begat of Fluffy, and Fluffy was begat of Robin, and Robin was begat of Silver B.
Silver B was begat of XL Robi Funk, and XL Robit Funk was begat of an unnamed travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. (Before that they were begat of a matrilineal society and who the heck knows about that stuff. -ed.)
Now the birth of Blitzen of Nazareth was one of international law, for his earthly father Snowball and not-so-virginal mother Doris were vacationing in Isreal at the the time of his birth. It happened that as Snowball visited the Western Wall and Mary's Well, Doris remained in the hotel room, in part because it was air conditioned and in part because of a run-in with an ultra-orthodox Jew who in gnashing his teeth in displeasure at her had lost his dentures, which were then eaten by a goat.
An angel came to Doris in a dream and said, "Be joyful, for the babe within you shall lead the sleigh of the One in Red."
Doris, who had but moments before dreamed of a large banana split the likes of which she had never seen, sighed in displeasure.
"He will deliver the rewards of the noble and virtuous, and all shall know his name." The angel thought for a moment. "Or at least until the weather turns rotten. Then there will come another. But that's beside the point."
"You mean to tell me," demanded Doris, "you interrupted a perfectly good dessert-related dream to tell me my son will be, not a doctor or a lawyer or a reality television star, but a glorified FedEx driver?"
The angel considered this.
"Well, yes," he said at last.
"Get out of here before I strangle you with your own harp. And if you come back," she yelled at his retreating back, "bring a gallon of ice cream when you do."
Now, when Blitzen was born in Nazareth a few days later, there came three wise men from FedEx and UPS and the US Postal Service.
"Where is he that is born King of the Delivery Men?" asked the man from FedEx, and Doris took him by the seat of the pants and threw him off the balcony of the hotel room.
"We received a fax from an angel," the UPS man added quickly. "We are come to worship him."
He too Doris took by the pants and flung him halfway to Gaza. She turned her attention to the postal worker.
"Well?" she demanded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"
The postal worker trembled before her.
"Can I interest you in a sheet of collectable Elvis stamps?" he asked, and soon he too flew from the balcony like a drunken angel.
This became an international scandel, and it did worry the other reindeer, for they gazed upon the delivery men with jealous eyes.
It happened that on the second birthday of Blitzen of Nazareth (in people years that would be about twenty years and change. -ed.) came Santa the Claus, knocking upon the door of Snowball and Doris and saying, "I wish to train your son in the ways of pulling my sleigh, for there has been a terrible grandma-related accident, and the other reindeer have had to go to the mattresses for a while."
And the same Santa had his raiment of polar bear hair, and was pursued by a very-angry, very-naked polar bear.
It happened that Doris was not home on this day, having gone out to a Chippendale show, and Snowball had feasted upon so many questionable brownies that to let his son go seemed a good idea. All went out to him and flee they did from the polar bear. And lo a voice came from the sky, saying, "Oi, I'm finally back and I brought cookies-n-creme!"
Then was Blitzen led by the spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the polar bear.
And when he had been completely turned around by the blank white wasteland for forty days and forty nights, the tempter came upon him.
"Hey," said the naked polar bear. "Are you lost? I know an excellent way to find your way back."
"If it's the adage about the sun rising in the east, forget it," said Blitzen. "I tried that. Did you know we have twenty-four hours of night here?"
"This is a foolproof plan," said the polar bear. "Hop into my mouth and I'll carry you back, for I alone know the way."
"Actually, that sounds like a very stupid idea."
At this the polar bear became enraged and said unto Blitzen, "If you are the one whose coming was foretold by the angel, why do you not call upon your magic powers to carry you into the air and save you?"
"Oh, hey. That's actually a pretty good idea. Thanks, brah." And Blitzen did fly into the air and soon spotted the glow of the North Pole.
This was the first miracle of Blitzen of Nazareth.
Now it happened that among Blitzen's sleighmates there was one known as Rudolph. He was scorned by the other reindeer, in part because of his detestably German-sounding name and in part because his nose did glow red and keep the others up at night. Among the reindeer, only Blitzen speak to him kindly.
"What am I to do?" wailed the red-nosed reindeer one night. "I am alone but for my video games, and am so congested my head can hardly fit through the stable doors. Will I die alone?"
"Pff," said Blitzen. "We can eradicate polio and measles, but not allergies? Laaaaaame."
And then did Blitzen of Nazareth lay his hoof upon the nose of Rudolph, and the nose of the reindeer did pale to brown.
"Oh my Dog," said Rudolph. "My sinuses have not been this clear since I was born."
And this was the second miracle of Blitzen of Nazareth.
Soon the fame of Blitzen of Nazareth spread throughout Canada, from Iqaluit to Yellowknife(though not to America, which would not shut up long enough to hear of the miracles. -ed.).
Then, one fateful Christmas Eve did the naked polar bear at last get her unwitting revenge. It happened that as the sleigh came down to land on the home of a family of seven in rural Michigan, they failed to see the father of the family sitting atop the roof with his shotgun. In part this was due to the limited visability given by Rudolph's new nose, and in part because the father was as white as the driven snow upon the roof. By the time the encounter was over, the father had been horribly mangled and was stuck to the bottom of the sleigh like a slightly less disgusting can of cranberry sauce. Rudolph began to weep.
"I didn't mean to kill him," he wailed. "It was an accident. I thought he was one of those plastic Santa decorations until I was right on him."
But Blitzen of Nazareth laid a hoof upon his shoulder and said, "Fear not, young one. For I was born to take away your sins." He shed his harness. "Fly on. I will take the responsibility for this tragedy."
"Don't do it!" cried Rudolph. "They'll execute you as a terrordeer! You'll be venison before you can surrender!"
"This I was born to do," said Blitzen. "Fly on."
And they did, booking it from the place without delivering a single present. Rudolph gazed back until Blitzen was but a speck in the distance and the father of the family had fallen off the sleigh into the forest below.
"I shall never forget you," he said. "When the night is done I shall write the story of your great sacrifice and all shall agree you were the greatest of deer."
This did he intend to do, but when he returned home he saw that World of Warcraft had released a new update and the whole thing slipped his mind.