I've heard metaphors for years

telling me that depression is a lover,

attentive, abusive, and always there for you,

even when you don't want them around.

.

I've never been good at relationships.

I'm either independent or a parasite,

but I never make it known if I need

any sustenance from their body.

.

I keep my distance. Kisses on cheeks,

soft hands that do not roam,

I am a gentleman. I will never

take advantage of what I know is not mine.

.

This is until I see the sadness drifting.

My shadow lover is growing old of

the corpse that refuses to rot,

and just as they're about to leave me,

.

I call them, with wounded wrists and

panic attacks in the bathroom.

They smile at me, take me into their arms

and keep me company at night when

.

I finally get time away from my friends.

I'll want to stay in bed with them for weeks,

but I make myself get up, even if it takes

all day for me to do it. I make sure to

.

shower after two days at the most,

find something healthy to eat,

even when I don't have the energy.

I take care of myself in the ways I'm supposed to,

.

but my lover reminds me of the ways

I destroy myself, even thought it feels like

a warm blanket around my shoulders as

blood trails down my arms.

.

I keep my hold on them until I start to wish

for my single days, back when I could

go out with my friends without having to leave

after an hour with anxiety in my veins.

.

I end up dreaming about the days where

my Tumblr was filled with nature,

and funny gifs, and pictures of baby animals,

and of flowers, and thigh highs, and girls

.

I want to know, and men that

I want to fuck, and women that

make me want to leave hickeys

on their inner thighs at midnight.

.

So, I don't delete my browser history.

I let them see the flowers on my blog.

I tell my lover that I miss enjoying the rain,

and that I think I should go back to

.

my apartment, where even if I want to die,

I never will, because suicides are too messy,

and I don't want my siblings to find me

the way the realtor found my father.

.

So, we'll go back from texting all day

to only telling each other, "goodnight."

And I'll feel slightly better than numb

for a few days, or weeks, or months.

.

It all depends on when I realize that

I miss them.