Going Home

02-21-15

Thud. Thud. Thud.

I'm a runner, my feet imprinting in the dust.

Step. Step. Step.

As athletes, we should hold confidence in us.

Sob. Sob. Sob.

Maybe the others do, but not I.

STOP.

I don't want to be a runner anymore, but I hate seeing my mom cry.

Turn.

I'm the reason that she no longer has him.

Turn again. Thud. Thud. Thud.

When Dad did what he did, the sorrow filled her to the brim.

Step. Step. Step.

With every sip…

Breathe, breathe, DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

With every sip and every hit…

Forget, forget, I'M HERE.

With every sip and every hit, the faster I have to get.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

She drinks to forget.

Step. Step. Step.

I run to hide the regret.

CALM DOWN.

I didn't want to admit

KEEP GOING.

That I was too scared to stop it.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

With a heavy heart, I let him do it.

Step. Step. Falter.

And now my heart won't beat right.

Sink. Sink. Sink.

I don't think my mind will ever work right.

Sob. Sob. DON'T GO THERE.

I didn't even put up a fight.

Splash. Splash. GET UP.

I watch my mother's guilt as she slips further away.

Scratch. Scratch. STOP.

I try to tell her that it's not her fault and that I'm really okay.

GET UP.

But it isn't. It won't go away.

LET IT GO.

But I can't; I ruined everyone's day.

RUN AGAIN.

But all the joy is gone.

FIND IT.

I don't deserve it; I helped destroy a bond.

HE MADE HIS CHOICE.

And I made mine.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

I did when I got to nine.

STOP TALKING WITH YOUR GUILT.

That's all I have left right now.

THIS ISN'T YOU.

Well, the other sides of me died out.

STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF.

Why does it matter when it's my life?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FRIENDS?

Forget about them. I'm done with the strife.

YOU'RE BEING A COWARD. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS.

What do you know? You're a figment of my imagination.

SHUT UP AND GET UP.

Why do you care what happens in my limitations?

BECAUSE YOU MATTER.

Not as much as I want to.

YOU MATTER AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO.

You're only saying that to get me to do what you want me to do.

I ONLY WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.

What's best for me is meeting my end!

WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU HAS YET TO BEGIN. GET. UP.

I don't want to get up; I want it to end!

I WON'T LET IT END. NOT LIKE THIS.

But…

NO BUTS. YOU HAVE HANDS. USE THEM. REACH OUT.

Why can't I just shut_

SOME DOORS AREN'T MEANT TO BE SHUT.

What do you know?

I KNOW THAT YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SELFISH FOR ONE.

But I've lost all my glow.

NO YOU HAVEN'T. NOW USE YOUR FEET AND STAND UP.

Rise. Rise. Rise.

Run. Run. Run.

Open the door.

"Mom… Mom, I'm home."