Goldie

Humans have been tricked. All these beautiful kid stories are actually horrible ones. Like Goldie Locks. She wasn't an innocent little girl. Goldie was a 33-year-old, mushroom loving thief who didn't give a damn who she stole from or how she got the next buck. She really got what was coming to her when she broke into the House of the Three Bears.

I'm sure the people of the world has heard of it a thousand times. "Little Goldie Locks, innocent and full of life, wandered into the house of three bears with curiosity and cuteness on her aura.

Nonsense! She didn't wander in. She climbed through a window Momma Bear made three weeks before the Bear family day-cation.

As most of you know, bears hibernate close to the winter. Poppa Bear takes his family on a day-cation just before hibernation every year. His dad before him did it, and his granddaddy before him. So Goldie, after a week, waltzed her sneaky ass into the Bear's house.

When she got inside, she started making all kinds of racket. She sat in every seat chair in the living room. Everyone thought the bears were having a party. "It's Goldieā€¦" One of the neighbors hooted from a pine tree.

Upon hearing the owl's call, Goldie retreated to the kitchen where three bowls of porridge waited for the Bear family. To most, forest porridge is a slop only bears and boars enjoy; however, Goldie appreciates" its "extraordinary" properties.

See, bear porridge is a cuisine that can spun in different ways. Poppa Bear likes his porridge hot with a lot of salmon. Momma Bear likes it at room temperature with chunks of potatoes. And Kid Bear likes it warm with a side of honey comb. The magic ingredient: mushrooms.

Goldie eats every bowl, leaving nothing but porridge residue. By the time she got to the end of bowl, a hallucination of the northern lights covered the room. She was so tripped out she laid in Kid Bear's repeating "The colors! The colors!"

The Bears finally arrive home. Poppa Bear roars so loud that everyone in the woods can hear him. Kid Bear was crying his eyes out while Momma just had this blank look on her face. Everyone looked in the windows again to see the Bears' house torn apart. After Poppa Bear snatched the covers back, Goldie hightailed into a redwood where an army of hornets stung her to death.