She says she just wants to be friends for now

Which lasts for a good ten hours until night falls

Her parents are asleep beneath her room and

Her fingertips slide down to her underwear

As she messages me, asking for a story,

Asking for me to make her drip with want

She is the apple in the Garden of Eden

And I can't resist taking a bite

She moans and writhes on the screen and I wonder

If it is me she sees behind her eyelids every time

If I am the girl(?) she imagines touching her with soft hands

In the morning she will pull away from my hug

Distance from a ticking bomb as if to avoid

The biggest area of destruction and when our friends ask

"Aren't you two dating?"

I will take the initiative and laugh it off

Saying "We're just friends" in a tone that implies

That I might believe that, someday

I am sick of feeling used in this way

Because I cannot yell, I cannot scream

She loves me and I have let her wind me up so many times

That the mechanism inside me has broken and I do not know

How much longer she will keep me on her shelf of pretty things

This is not to say that she does not love me, and I her

But waiting for love isn't as romantic as I was led to believe

And I doubt that she really knows what she wants

She promises me forever and shoves me away in the same breath

And goddamnit I know we should wait but she tells me about how

I fucked her in her dreams and suddenly it seems like waiting is impossible

And this isn't about the sex, but it is about the fact that she fell asleep

Making me feel as if I wasn't good enough for her to fight heavy eyelids

Long enough to recognize that I am bleeding out in a bedroom

Only a few miles away from her house

I want to be a boy, I want to be a girl, I want to be nothing and everything

I want to be the universe, I want to be hell on earth

But all I am is a pathetic chew toy for the dog teeth of the world

So give me bloody knuckles, give me peace

Give me a binder for my chest so I can stop feeling out of place

And let her know that I love her but I don't love her war tactics

My ocean is stained red and she acts as if it wasn't her sharks who made it that way

I want some semblance of security because I am tumbleweed teen

But she will never understand that, not with her small town roots

And her long hair full of histories I never was allowed to make

I love her more than anything but I do not love this distance

And I promised I would wait, and so I will wait

But it doesn't mean that I won't be hurt in the process

It doesn't mean that I won't miss the way she used to say

"I love you"

Before she closed her eyes and drifted off to dreams of me