1888 September 21, Siberia

Lately a peculiar restlessness has come over me. No matter how much I long to lose myself in a good book , I know I won't be able to enjoy it. I wander between the endless shelves of books but not even they can easy my fears.

I cannot in words describe what has taken hold of my poor soul. The things that brought me joy, now seem empty to me. I longs for something but I know not what it is. I can no longer sleep at night. I can't sit still, I can't bear to stay here anymore. Friends and neighbors are starting to notice something is wrong. I feel like I am going insane, but at the same time I know I'm not.

There is no reason for me to stay here. It has become obvious to me that what I long for is not here. Truth be told I don't even know if it is even in this world.

As I sit under the stars I still cannot say that I have found what I was looking for. My desperate longing to find it, what eve it is, has driven me to the coldest corner of the earth- Siberia. Strangely I feel more at ease walking the snow covered woods in the east of the Ural Mountains then at home with my beloved books. Never in my entire life had I felt the urge to travel, but there I was. I joined a group of explorers and set out to this cold and forsaken land. Why? I still don't have the answer.

As I sit there, by the campfire pondering my situation I notice something with the corner of my eye. Something glimmers in the dark northern night. I turn to look and just for a short moment I could swear I saw a woman. But that is impossible, there are only men on this expedition, there aren't any settlements around; what could she be doing in the cold night wearing a white dress. It could only have been my imagination. Yet after a while I get up and leave the warm fire. I walk in to the darkness nearing the place where I saw her. I stand before the very spot with a strange mixture of fascination and disappointment. There are no footprints in the snow. No human I know could walk in this knee deep snow without leaving tracks. My hope of her being real was gone.

Suddenly the restless longing in me awakens once again, i look around , I want to see her again. I feel as if I am close to finding the thing that I was so desperate to find.

In to the dark woods he went, without a word, without a light. Restlessness driving him; to where? He did not know, he just couldn't stand still. Time passes, minutes or maybe hours , but finally he sees something in the darkness. As he get closer he sees a woman dressed in white . He run to her, when the man reaches the spot she is gone.

He finds himself in a large clearing. In the sky the pale moon cast it's light on the frozen lake. There, on the other shore he sees her and step son the ice, eyes never leaving her. Halfway there the ice breaks apart. He falls into the freezing water, the fur coat and heavy boots dragging him down under. He tries to rise above, but when he turns his head he sees her. Her beautiful face right next to his, she glows like the moon, pale and almost transparent. Her hair is white like the snow and her eyes, they are such a shade of blue he had never known existed in this world. He knows he needs air but he can't look away from her. She embraces him and he feel himself falling into the deep, deep darkness below.