Hello, everyone. Sorry to interrupt your day and plaster over your precious bulletin board space – which would doubtless otherwise be used for news clippings and 'Movie Night' flyers – but it's only been a week with several dozen Exo-Planet Natives camping out on base, and already there have been… incidents. Since the Exos are going to be here for the next foreseeable future, Chief asked me to post some rules to keep them safe and you nutters out of the brig.
1. Supervise all internet use until the poor things learn how to be safe. There is no 'World Wide Web' where they come from, and, frankly, I don't want the human race to be responsible for the shattering of their naïve, impressionable minds.
2. This is the list of banned films/television programmes:
-Dr. Who (I know, gents, I'm sorry)
-E.T. (you know why)
-Anything and everything J.J. Abrams
-Alien (and all sequels)
-Predator (and all sequels)
-Alien vs. Predator (naturally)
-Game of Thrones (not kidding, not budging)
-Anything and everything Tim Burton
-All your weird cult musicals
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-(You know what, anything with vampires in general)
-(Ditto for zombies)
-(And werewolves. Especially werewolves)
-Independence Day (I'm disappointed too, Vinnie)
-Family Guy (and related)
-Anything and everything Mel Brooks
-Lost in Space (movie and tellie)
-Paranormal Activity (and all other horror/slasher films)
This is not an exhaustive list. You should avoid these and anything like them (although Chief said Star Trek and Star Wars were all right… Don't ask me). More will be added as time goes on, and some will be removed once the language gap is less pronounced and things can be explained better.
3. It has been noted that you lot have already begun bestowing nicknames to many of the Exos on base. Seeing as their names are admittedly a bit hard to pronounce, and since they don't appear to mind (a few have even made up their own monikers), Chief will allow this 'tradition' to continue, as long as the given names are welcome and remain decent and polite.
4. However, the ones with wings – the Fliers – are not to be referred to as 'chickens', 'birdies', or 'pigeons'. Chief is extremely disappointed that this even has to be on the rule list (although, on a side note, collectively naming them the 'Exo-Planetary Royal Air Force' was a stroke of genius, as they seem to have taken favourably to it).
5. Despite their wide-eyed innocence in respect to society's grunge, all of the Exo refugees are soldiers – even the little guys. Most of them also seem to be a little high-strung and eager to prove themselves. Please, please don't out-of-the-blue challenge them to a round of boxing or anything stupid like that. As Lieutenant Morris found out, you will lose; and you will probably bruise more than your pride in the process.
6. For goodness' sake, please don't swear in front of them. Some of the younger crew are starting to pick up your bad habits, and the explanations to Commander Leo are awkward and painful, seeing as he's not only their captain but also their surrogate father. Let's be a good example all around.
7. And on a similar note: Quite a few of you have been very accommodating by showing an interest in their culture. Some are even picking up bits and pieces of their language. However, the command staff asks you to remember that they have their own particular set of curses and vulgarities, and the burly doctor, Brawn, finds it amusing to teach them to anyone interested in the language. Corporal Amaretto thought he was saying "Let's get a cuppa." He wasn't. You have been warned.
8. Rugby is banned from base; permanently, no exceptions. Please refer to guideline #5 on this list. Football, however, is allowed as long as Captain Strauss or one of the Forrest ladies officiates.
9. Please don't pressure them to show you their 'disguises'. I know it's pretty wizard that they can – kind of, sort of – turn themselves into quadrupeds and avians, but it's not like they constantly want to show you how they do it. They aren't going around bugging you to hiccup or recite poems in French, so let's be considerate and leave them be. It's bad enough that Chief has the science team all up in arms because he won't let them do any studies.
10. Can we work on giving them an introduction to Earth music that's a bit more… well-rounded? In all honesty, we need to work on art and fashion and such as well, but the music is getting to be a problem. I hate to name names, but the little Flier you fellows call Zephyr has been wandering around base for three days, singing "Baby" to any of the ladies he can find. Chief asks that whoever is responsible for letting Zeph hear that song to please come to his office; he would like to kill them.
On the other hand, we've got a small group of Grounder chaps who've been introduced exclusively to Chief Medical Officer Wilson's collection of opera and classical music, and they're getting to be a bit snobbish about it. Any thoughts and suggestions on this subject would be appreciated.
Hopefully these rules will allow us to coexist peacefully and without further embarrassment and bloodshed. I have faith in you. Chief gives you all a week.
Lieutenant Kate Ferguson, Executive Officer