I'm tired of giving it all
Just to fall
Back to the beginning all over again
And listening to everyone point out my sin.
I'm sick of smiling in vain
Trying to hide the pain
Just to be kicked back into darkness;
Being strong when you're dying is the hardest.
But I always stand back up.
-I don't even know why, because I'm fed up.
It just happens that way.
I just walk again like any other day.
Maybe strength does come from weakness,
But I am so fucking tired of being at my lowest.
I am so fucking sick of scraping my pieces together when they fall
And looking at my hands that are so damn raw.
Don't even get me started on all the calloused assholes
Who tell me and people like me to suck it up; they don't know our souls.
I'm tired of holding back my curse words and keeping appearances
When all I want to do is fade among the disappearances.
The only thing I want to do is just open my lungs
And let screams flow from my mouth like bullets from guns.
I'm sick of smiling, laughing, and pretending so damn much.
I'm sick of having to use false contentment as a crutch.
But still, I stand up and I do this shit all over again.
You'd think I'd learn after all my time in sinking sand.
Yet here I am, cussing like a damn fool
And shaking my fists, hiding behind my own bull.
I'm still here, choking back my sobs
Like a desperate child who's been robbed
Of her innocence by the one she holds most dear…
And I think, maybe that's why I'm still here.
Because darkness has walls
That laugh at our falls
And relish in our pain
Because suffering makes them gain.
I just want to breathe in and out
Without having another fucking nervous breakdown.
I just want to stand up and face the sun
Without going blind and picking up a gun.
I want to sleep through the night
Without having to fight
For what little sanity I still have.
For once, I want to say, "Yes. Yes, I've got it bad."
But I tuck these desires behind upturned lips.
I walk with a high head and swinging hips.
I look around and let my eyes tell those around me
That I'm fine as fine can be.
I paint on another smile,
Put up with it for another little while.
I become the "funny" and the "happy" friend
That doesn't break when she has to bend.
They don't see the demons inside.
They don't see the tears I've cried.
They don't see my fucking bitterness and rage
Because I never show them that page.
I just get up for another day.
I just walk on in the same way.
Maybe a time will come when I'm free,
But for now… I'm just broken little me.