WARNING: This story contains triggering themes as self-harming and anorexia. Also, I never had the experience of being ana so I apologize of some infos are wrong or judgment full to any of you pro-anas. To end it up, the main character is mean, it's HER character. Every single though of Skylar aren't mine and never were mine. If any of you have ideas, thoughts or reviews, please leave them in the comment section I would LOVE to hear how you feel about this story. Sorry my writing structure isn't the same but it's like that I like it this way. Sorry for grammar mistakes if there is some (just tell me and I'll correct them). Please enjoy, it took me three straight days to do the first week.
A Fiction by Gabrielle Allard
In May 2007, Skylar Dupuis was sent into mental care for self-abuse. She left after her death this diary containing her recovery from this date to the end of the year. She died in a way no one knows. The police will do research about how she lost life. Here are her last words.
Here is it. My first day into a psychiatric hospital... that's great... I suppose. I feel really weird. These people aren't like me... at all! Why did they even refereed me here? Oh yeah... my mom. She cares so much... I mean... you guys don't care either... the first person who will read this won't know me... well, what now? You kept reading? Sure... like if I was special.
Skylar, I'm 19 years old and I'm from Montreal. This morning, I was officially insane. To be precise, a few years ago, I started to do things some humans would consider... taboo? Sure. I'm a pro-ana. I'm anorexic and I don't give a single fuck about your advices. I love being Ana. I feel fat constantly but who cares? I mean, I fit in clothes and I'm happy! Don't believe me? You should. I'm also a cutter. Yeah, that's not so bright. I find happiness into everything! Sure.
To put it short, I tried to end my life. I'M NOT UNSTABLE! I'm just a bit emotional... I mean... me? EMOTIONAL? Sure. I'll take it.
My day was a mess so don't judge. I just entered and saw girls sitting there... watching me.
''This is our last member, Skylar!'' said the nurse.
And then, everyone stared at me. I just waved, this is the only smart thing I though. There was this special girl in the back who was rejected. Well, it seemed like it. Either way, she was the first to give me an empty look. The first time I looked into someone's eyes and only saw the pity. Not just some 'help me, I'm cute and innocent' shit, no. The pity it own fucking self. The 'I just want to die' pity. The pity I wish I shown when they took me away. I think I'm saying too much. I'm just scared that the doctors here will read this shitty diary and then yell at me because I swear! Of course I do. It's in me. I swear a lot. This girl was still looking at me. Afterwards, they started an activity. It was called 'Presentation'. Afterwards , I realized everyone was new. Even that girl in the back. We all had our names tagged on our shirt. Wasn't this a psych? Apparently, this is a center for girls with eating disorders, mental disorders and difficulties to work in society. Also, that girl behind is schizophrenic. They couldn't place her anywhere because she is too noisy. Noisy my ass. Her name was Lucy. No family name. No family at all actually. She is also orphan. What a sad girl.
The game was simple. All we needed to do is collect information on a sheet of paper with the name, the age, the reason they are here, their favorite sport and one thing they love in life except living it. This is stupid. I mean, why do we collect infos like that? Sure. Why don't we just present ourselves normally? One way or another, with the luck I had, I was placed with this girl.
''I don't want to'' I said to the nurse.
''Please Skylar, no one wants to be with her. Could you just do it and it'll be done?'' She whispered to me.
''I SAID NO! I don't want to be with a creep!'' I screamed. I have my limits.
Lucy looked on the ground and then put her head on the table. Everyone laughed. I didn't. I'm no one. The nurse sent me to my room. I couldn't believe it! First day and already kicked out. I kept hearing what was going on in the living room. The other girls were sent outside for some sports. I took my pillow and blocked my ears. I felt asleep in the end and then there's me writing this down. Personally, I don't like this girl. She is strange.
So I woke-up at 6 AM. I couldn't sleep. There was already three persons awaken; A tall very slim blond girl with skin as pale as snow, the other one was the cook and there was a black girl. I'm not racist. She was black and that's it. The blond's name was Aurora. She is bulimic. Her mother called her like that because she was sleeping a lot which I think is cute. Well, she was cute. The other one was Molly. She is in extreme depression. Aren't we all depress here? Sure. Also, she has trying to kill herself several times. Same. She was a bit chubby. I diss her. I don't like that. Another one go up. She sat next to me. Yuck, I still remember the disgusting smell of those couches. Did they clean them before placing them here? Mary. Her name was Mary. She kept repeating it. The nurse passed next to her and she THEN freaked out.
''AH, Oh No, I FORGOT MY NAME...'' She screamed. Everyone else obviously woke-up.
''Could you just shut the fuck up!'' I said. Everyone else obviously freaked-out.
''Skylar Dubois, how could you?'' The nurse said.
''Miss, I do not give a fuck. This place is hell, I'm out!''
''Where do you think you're going, young lady?''
''Home. What am I saying? I do not have a home. You girls are just a bunch of freaks!''
''WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'' The director said out for the first time.
''This girl insulted this girl''
''In my office, after breakfast!'' He said going out.
How could my day be worst? Oh yes, it was already the worse! The best is yet to come because just after I needed to eat. I refused to eat and they taped me on a chair. I though it was a joke but nope. Sure, it was awful but I had two seconds to go to the bathroom and purge it out. Ew, eggs. I hate purging but I guess it will be my best friend for a long time. Oh if you knew Ana... Yes, I'm going to call this shitty diary Ana because I feel like it. Either way, it's mine. Don't touch.
So let's change it up. Since you are Ana, I might want to talk to you on a better tone and by that I mean stop acting like this is shitty and be nice. Dear. I entered into the old man's office. His face was priceless. He was so angry. He passed an entire hour to teach me respect. Bitch, I don't give a damn. Worst? My room was now beside creepy Lucy's room. ARGH! I just laid down. It was two in the afternoon. A few girls were in the living room watching a movie, three other ones including Aurora and Molly were outside and Lucy was talking to herself. I got curious. I spied her. There was this Constant she had. It was weird. They were talking about abuse.
''The thing is, I don't want to talk about it. But what if you do? Haha. They won't laugh at you! But... BUT! BUT! But what if I don't do it? More pain, more secrets, more... more more more more... I NEED TO HOLD IT. Hold the pain inside of me. But you can't. You're useless. No. YES! NO. You're useless. No one gives a single fuck if you got abused. They think you're a liar. You are! Hahahahaha... You ARE! No one wants you, that's why your parents gave you away! No... stop it! YES! NO!''
Wait... she got abused? By who? Why? Who would take advantage of this? How could people be so... mean? Oh fuck, that's because of me! I'm the one who got mean to her. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings... Did I? Oh Ana I feel so bad. I try to hold in it the pain but gosh. I'm crying right now. I don't understand anything anymore and I can't blame you. You're trying your best to make me feel better. I'm tired of wanting to be the best. But I want attention so badly. You gave me your time and that's amazing. I just want to give up.
At this moment, a few girls heard Skylar crying in her bedroom and knocking on her wall. Two of them tried to stop her but it was too much pressure. Lucy got out to see what was going on. A tape was found with this moment on it. The director was home so he couldn't stop it. Although, the nurse came and calmed her. Lucy gave her a hug but Skylar pushed it away. Lucy went back in her room and cried too but silently.
So I had a crises last afternoon. I know crises are for weaks but it was hard. I nearly killed myself. You don't care? Sure. You never do. I can't blame you. I got out of my bedroom and there was the entire breakfast already placed. I took a few pancakes and while the cook had her back turned, I threw them in my bedroom. I did not eat them don't panic. I sat then and took a glass of water.
''Told you you could eat normally'' She said smiling at me.
''Good job Skylar. You're eatin' normally'' winked at me Aurora.
''Thanks Sleeping Beauty'' I laughed.
''Shut up, at least I have a soul'' She concluded. This bitch was joking about me being ginger? Sure. Let's play that game. But not now because a few people were watching.
''I have a soul! I'm just a bit insane...''
''Oh dear, everyone is a bit insane here, even the employees of this hell''
''Haha, when you work for twenty years with insane people, you like to take advantage of it''
''The nurse already asked to someone with a ADD to clean this entire building. It was in another time when this was an hospital. They closed it due of a murder. Also, the cook likes to put extra calories in soups for the anorexic people so that they freak out. Apparently, it's funny. Oh, and don't tell me about the principal Smith! Jeez, he is watching everyone's ass around. I heard he abused Lucy the first day she got in a center with him. That's why she is always in her bedroom talking to herself''
''THIS IS TERRIBLE!''
''Darling, there is nothing to do for her. She's useless''
'' 'Darling', what you are saying is quite rude. I bet Lucy has at least ONE good side about her''
''Oh there is, she eats anorexic people's food when they don't eat them. That's another reason why she is in a lonely table far far away from the rest of the group. Poor her, she is only bringing us downer and downer. Lucy is bipolar AND Schizo. She can't even realize she is talking to a pack of oxygen. Expect of that, Lucy is good to keep secrets and work ship. It been three years we were in the same center and she got me weed when I needed. She just likes to feel like she is helping us. She also is allowed to go on the INTERNET so she can help you with anything. She can print you some pro-ana things and, oh silly her, she will blame it on herself. She is so stupid even Barbie is smarter''
And then she kept going and going about how dumb Lucy was. She didn't seemed so bad. Was she actually stupid, I don't know. Oh yeah the pro-ana pictures? Sure. I have a full book of those in my other diary with a few tips.
After that conversation, we all gathered to a table. There was a new member apparently. A guy? There he was. An actual guy coming to a girls only center. A tall fat ginger guy with brown eyes. Adam. Anger disorder. He entered extremely happy. I was wondering if he had euphoria disorder but no. At the moment someone accidentally knocked him. He panicked. The nurse calmed him. I look at Lucy since she seemed very silent for once. She was blushing while he was presenting himself still hurt. I just smiled until Aurora noticed too.
''Oh Lucy, it seemed like you have a crush on the new kid, aren't I right?'' She laughed.
Each person looked at Lucy. They all laughed except the nurse, me and Adam. EVEN LUCY LAUGHED OF HERSELF. It was awful.
''Well at least, she isn't the one who still purges at midnight outside while everyone's sleeping'' I fought back for her. I felt terrible to see Lucy alone like that.
''Silly Skylar, I'M not the one who threw away my breakfast''
Then, I gave up. I sat down and kept it cool. The nurse got pissed at me. NOT HER, ME! That brat. I cannot believe I liked her. Ana, I just wanted to kill her but I calmed. Something positive out of this was, Adam smiled at Lucy afterwards. We all did soccer. My team won. It's funny how Lucy is never invited to play sports. We went back inside and it was free-time before supper. I played chess versus Mary and she won. During this time, Lucy was... why do I even care about what she was doing? I think she intrigues me. She was drawing still rejected. Then, it was supper. I was right in the front of Aurora. She kept having that ugly ass smile. I ate my supper and purged. AMEN! It was great. The girls wanted to watch America's Next Top Model but it was blocked. Instead, they watched Wall-E while judging the fat ones. I judged them too. Adam didn't enjoyed this moment though. He left and went to see Lucy. I followed them. Luckily, I did a hole on my wall yesterday so I saw what was going on.
''Me? Oh, hi!''
''Of course you. We're in your bedroom. Never mind. I just wanted to know... do you...''
''NO! I mean, I don't know you''
''That's what I though''
''Yeah, and you don't like me either?''
''Yes... hum...I have to go okay... Just wanted to ask, it would have been creepy if...''
''Yes...'' She started to subs.
''Are you okay?''
''No... I mean yes... I... It doesn't matter okay? I don't care''
''Please I feel awful''
''We just met''
''I'll leave you there''
He just left her like that? I got up and went into her room. Poor Lucy. Imagine I felt like crap when I got mean to her imagine him. I sat down besides her. I mean, I wasn't trying to be nice I was just here to make her shut up her crying. Fat girls aren't attractive. That's why he didn't liked her. She asked me politely to leave. She 'wasn't in the mood to talk'. Less troubles for me. I went back in my room and took my phone. I had a Nokia from my aunt. I heard some music. The other ones were listening some radio. Gold Digger from Kanye West was playing. It got me smiling. I took my book and started to read. I didn't wanted to get distracted. Otherwise, I couldn't concentrate. I got up. Here it was, Adam and the girls dancing in the living room. It was soon supper.
''Guys, I'm trying to READ!'' I said to them.
''C'mon Skylar! Don't be boring. We are just dancing around!'' That darn ginger said to me.
''Exactly, turn this down a little would you?''
''Skylar, we have the right to listen some music...'' said Mary
''This is not the point it's just-'' I replied
''You life ruiner!'' Then Aurora came to this conversation.
''Could you just-''
''ADAM DAMN IT! I just asked you to turn it down!''
''Skylar! That language!'' He kept going sarcastically.
''Guys, turn it down...'' Said the nurse.
''Told you it was too loud''
He looked at me. At this specific moment, I left like I would punch him in his bubbly face and then three seconds later, my target was now Aurora.
''Hey Skylar, you two look cute together'' She said out of her nasty mouth.
Ana, I didn't had the choice, I punched her. Everyone came. The nurse did a huge speech to me and then it was supper. I could have just be nice but I don't tihnk she would have understood. Like, I have my limits. Me? Looking good with this fat potato sack? Ew...
''So Skylar...'' He kept going.
''Please, I'm exhausted''
''Sorry...So... hum Lucy?''
''Hum... Why are you here?''
''Yes, at this specific center?''
''I have Schizo-affective disorder... it's a mixture of schizo and-''
''Hum... cool... I guess...You Aurora?''
''Wow... hum... Skylar? Are you here too for anger management?''
The rest of the evening was as silent as a death. Adam was trying to be nice but no. He just ruined it okay! Why do we even have a guy here? Isn't it a only girls place? Luckily, Lucy too was trying to be nice with me. We played chess and I won. I started to really like this girl. She was a bit bashful but she was nice. Afterwards, I went to bed. It was nearly midnight. Now, I am writing this while I'm putting my pyj. I just hope that this stupid Adam stops his shit... One more thing, Ana, I am so sorry. I ate my supper and forgot to punish myself. I am doing it right now...
Ana are you there?
I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU!
I'M DOING THIS TO BE LOVED!
TO LOVE MYSELF!
TO FIND MYSELF PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL AGAIN!
WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANA?
WHERE ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
ANA! PLEASE... I'VE GONE TOO FAR...
I WENT TOO FAR FOR THIS!
DON'T ASK ME THIS AGAIN!
I've did it again...
Last night was horrible. I went a bit too deep in my cutting and I was very bloody. One luck Lucy heard me. She helped me a lot last night. She promised me she wouldn't tell ANYONE about this. She even stand with me until I felt asleep. This girl is really desperate for a friend. Ouch! I woke-up and by my surprise, Adam was crying. I sat next to Lucy at the table. He had a rough night too apparently. His mother passed away after drinking too much alcohol. Mine gave me away a long time ago and my new one is kind of a bossy. The cook was so sad for him she even cooked him a cake. Ha, if I was sad, to cheer me up, I would need to lose 50lbs. He looked at me again. Lord, I felt awful again.
''You're pale...'' He told me.
''S-She's just tired... Yes, she had difficulties to sleep last night...'' Thanks to Lucy I got away with this.
''How the hell do you know that? Are you spying her or something? Creep...'' He replied.
Afterwards, Lucy felt very very very sad. She felt like if a rock crushed her. Like if her heart got broken three times in a row. Creep. That's how she felt. Like a creep. I'm putting myself at her place: Imagine, the guy you like just calls you a creep because you helped someone. Just because you've been nice, this person is turning back and calls you how you've been treated your entire life, like a CREEP! Shit. That's deep.
Funny things she told me last night while I was bleeding: she ALSO cuts herself. How ironic. She told me that her first cut was when Aurora told her that fat girls aren't pretty so it's better if she kills herself. What a bitch! I did said that in this diary but not in her face. She also explained that in the last center she was, people were so mean to her they needed to move her away. She kept going by telling me that her parents threw her away because they wanted a pretty baby girl and not a fat cheeked chipmunk. I cried at that part. She continued, telling me that she never had friends and her only friends were the voices inside her head. THAT'S why she never wanted to get cured. She was still happy after all that? Sure thing, she told me. Her voice cracked as she let go a few other secrets like how she always wanted to go see the world and not being stuck in centers. She wanted to go to Disneyland all her life but the nurses told her she wasn't socially accepted so people would judge her. These same nurses even cried after telling her since her case was so big. No one really likes her. She is classed as a freak, a monster, a weirdo, worse? As a bacteria. People are afraid to touch her because she is apparently related to a sickness. Of course, theses are jokes her roommates make to her. Sometimes, when they lock her in her room for bad behavior, she is trying to kill herself. She just can't. She is scared of what's afterlife. She is so afraid to leave and let go. What if someone loved her? What if someone cared? What if she stays and something good happens? No. She stays and nothing happens. That would be too beautiful for her. At that point, she hugged me. How could I refuse that? I felt disgusting. Not because of her life, because I was hugging a fat person. You want to know the ugliest about it? I liked it. This fat person was actually beautiful. Inside. But she was beautiful. Her blue shiny eyes looked at the ground and then she promised me to tell to no one if I promise to tell to no one. I promised. That was the best promise I ever did.
For the rest of the day, I was rethinking of that. I was distant. So was she. Adam went and annoyed me a few times.
''I'll talk to you when you'll stop being a dick to Lucy''
''Why the hell is she even in this conversation''
''As long as you don't apologize, this conversation is OVER''
He turned back. The rest of the day went normally. I ate and purged in the toilet. I took a shower and saw that there was a room in the back of the giant bathroom. I took a look and there was a bath. Also, there was Lucy's file on a counter close. It was written: 'Lucy needs to take a bath instead of a shower in case she slide in the cabin. We also want her to stay distant from the others in case of frighten them'. This was for a private school? Well that's what it was on it. I heard someone close so I rushed to hide myself and then to ran off. I might need to come back for this thing.
First week over. Tomorrow, I'll be able to go home for the week-end but not Lucy. Sad. I packed a few of my things. I went outside of my bedroom and heard Adam and another girl named Brittany (she was suffering from a crack addiction). They were talking about Adam liking Lucy. He did liked her in the end... he just wasn't in deep love with her. Well, it was beginning. Adam though Lucy was cute as hell. Brit was giving him tips. I smiled. I mean, he was so cute with those reddish cheeks (not the same cute he though was Lucy). He told her that next week he'll apologize and confess to her if his feelings were still there even though he though it was early.
I did a jogging this afternoon (I normally hate those). I saw a few of my high school friends there but I left it after losing interest. They were happy to see me and bullied Lucy from far. I asked them to stop but they didn't.
Before going home, I gave a hug to Lucy and told her that luck would be on her side next week. My mom was there and was happy to see me with friends. Also, I lost 3 pounds there! YES! I just hope next week will also be cool for me...