I never knew that rain could be warm, the streets of California proved me wrong.
It wasn't the classic quiet night that I have grown to love, instead tonight I lye awake sitting in the light of this looming streetlamp dwindling down on the thoughts in my mind and doubting every solution. These past weeks have been nothing but realizing the fog keeping me away from the world. It's a strange moment when you find that the rules and lessons that you have learned from the beginning of time has been nothing but a blinding illusion and now you must go on a venture to find new ones. Now I suppose some would call it overwhelming, some might say dissatisfaction, and others might simply claim it as sad. I for one find it depressing. It's almost as if all of your life so far has been a simple advertisement readying you for the cold, hard truth and now that you see past it nothing is real anymore. Yet I still find myself sitting here with a soaked back under the faint light of the streetlamp.
I hear a sound other than the constant pounding of the rain and look up expecting to be splashed by another oncoming car. But I see nothing beyond the lights and look back down to the running water on the asphalt. The pain on the inside hasn't dissipated but the lonely feeling to the street dulls it. I feel almost like my entire being has collapsed on itself and my soul is just a shadow, following my figure.
I have been living life wrong. I have been taking the wrong path and I never doubted the strong dirt road until now. Letting the truth roll in again I pull up knees even tighter to my chest and intake a shaky breath. My back is now thoroughly coated in a warm layer of water and the light makes the drops on my hands gleam. It almost looks like I'm covered in gemstones, bright, iridescent gems. I laugh at the irony of it all, shinning on the outside, twisted on the inside. I shut my eyes from the rain and wipe away some of the gathering drops on my face.
The most twisted part of this whole episode is that in the end once I have everything figured out I cannot go back to my old life, it's like dying and being born again. And I am just this simple being in the great world of catastrophe. Who knows when everything will be fine or if everything will be fine. This isn't heaven anymore, it's hell and I'm right at the gates of it I take another breath trying to calm my nerves but my chest keeps pounding and now tears are welling in my eyes and mixing with the pure, crystal rain.
I hear that same noise again and look up twisting around trying to find the disruption. Not seeing anything I again look down at my feet until I hear someone approach from behind.
"Are you alright" a concerned voice breaks through the silence like a ripple in the water. I look up with wide eyes surprised at the sudden sound then look down nodding my head afraid if I were to talk they would turn away in disgust.
Instead of leaving they step up beside me and sit down on the curb. "You don't look alright." I inhale and look up to the person, meeting their eyes. He's a boy, around my age with a slender frame and defined face. His curvy scarlet wet hair falling around his deep eyes and his nose is doted with faint freckles. I've never seen this boy before in my life.
I drop his gaze and look to the distance.
"I'm fine." I say quietly struggling to keep this neutral look on my face.
"No your not." He says a little louder than me in a mater-of-fact tone. I gulp and watch the falling rain.
"How could you tell?" I ask, as if surrendering to thought.
"I can see it in your eyes, something is troubling you." He says facing the rain, like me. I remain silent processing his words.
"Your feeling pain and depression and every time you think your okay, your not."
I brush a strand of hair out of my eyes and glance his way. He's staring off deep into space. "I think that you know what your talking about, but how do you understand all of this? I mean you look like someone that knows how life works, how?" I say quietly, not wanting to disturb him.
" I look deeper, past the layer of lies, fakes, and masks to see the inner being." He says looking at my face. "For example, I can see that on the outside you see yourself as someone who is lost and confused like trying to find the way to the end of a maze but in the inside your already there just can't see it." He pauses for a second appearing to be very serious.
"I guess your right, I just find it strange that you know more about me than I do." I say hiding behind a faint ghost smile. He tilts his head and looks deep into my eyes and I look back. "You know, sometimes we know ourselves but all of our thoughts and ideas keep us from realizing it." I nod thinking deeply, "So in the end we find that instead of finding our way through the maze, we just are going back through it."
I say concluding his statement. He smiles proudly and I look at him wide eyed, confused if you will. His smile falters and he again has this expression of concern. I ignore his look and loop my fingers looking out once more into the ever-going rain.
It seems to continue on just as before like him and I were not here, almost as if it is annoyed at us for intruding. Though not as sorrowful as before.
I can hear the boy shifting along the curb and see that he has somewhat moved closer to me. He sees my glance and flushes a slight pink before scratching the back of his head. "Thought you might be cold.," he says letting his words fall away into the breeze. I mentally chuckle at his awkward statement but stay neutral with my expression. "Not necessarily." I say quietly, as he looks down at his feet with a slender smile planted on his face.
I almost laugh at his ways and think that maybe this kid isn't so bad? I look up feeling the drops of warm, sun kissed waterfall on my heated face. I swear I have never felt rain so undoubtedly beautiful in my entire life.
I look back down to the boy and see that he was watching me enjoy the rain. I straiten up and look back out at the falling rain. I realize that his arm is brushing against mine with every taken breath and I savor the feeling of his warmth against my cold.
For a while we just sit there in the poring rain looking out at the darkness with water running down our faces.
"Why are you out here?" he asks and I look at him strangely as if that was the most obvious question ever. "I like the rain, and how the streetlights give a certain glow to the lonely streets. Sometimes it feels like I am in a painting with the light in the darkness, it's very peaceful." I say breathing in the cool scent of the rain. He nods, "Well don't you get lonely all by yourself?"
"No, I enjoy solitude." I utter letting the true thought of it fall. "I suppose that makes sense…" he admits and I feel his arm brush against mine as he shrugs. "Although sometimes it feels like the rain is there too." He whispers.
I look over to him in confusion but no one was there, just the falling rain the glow of the streetlights.