There's always a reason for something, and it's definitely not because of fate or some heavenly being out there. If you think about earthquakes, there are plate tectonics moving below and sometimes, there is too much pressure so the plates might slide against one another and cause an earthquake. What about being born? A woman and a man decide to have sex and then keep the baby. So now here's my question: why in the world am I still single after twenty-five years of living? Twenty-five years as you can guess is my current age.
I don't know how many times I have searched online for twenty-five and have not kissed. Fortunately, there were enough hits to make me feel slightly better until my sister who I love and hate at the same time has to remind me, "So do you have anyone that you like? Have you met anyone new at work lately? What about that guy that you said was cute and had asked to lunch?"
Yes about that guy, he did go to lunch with me and then proceeded to ask me about Alexandra Newman, the prettiest paralegal at our law firm. Regarding the question of who I like, there really isn't anyone. I haven't felt my heart skip a beat for a human being for a long, long time. The last time I did was during my second-year university exchange to France and I fell for a Korean guy called Jung Seunghyun. Sadly, I only fell for him after he got tired of me, and so nothing came out of it. Plus, there was no way that I'd be relocating to South Korea when I was aiming to go to law school.
Now that I'm out of law school and have been working for a couple of years at my law firm, I should be able to have a relationship or at least get laid. I know the issue isn't my looks; I have had men confess to me or be eager to get to know me at first. It's only after that they know me do they shy away or run off from me. I'm starting to think that perhaps my personality is awful. Maybe I am like Blair from Gossip Girl, though I do like her fashion sense.
So here's a Saturday night that I am spending at my apartment with an Asahi beer in one hand and fried chicken wings in another while thinking about my reason for being single when all of a sudden, I hear pounding at my door. Knowing this erratic rhythm of pounds, I head to the front door and open it to find Lucien Von Altdorf rushing in.
"Close the god damn door!" he barks at me. As I slowly obey him, I hear a woman shrieking his name down the hallway. Immediately, I turn to frown at him, causing him to stammer, "L-L-Look, Gem, I can explain."
"What did you tell that woman this time?" I grumble.
"I just said that I didn't want to see her tonight and then she followed me all the way to your place," he clarifies in a breathless tone.
"And why are you coming to my place? You know that I hate last minute surprises . . ."
"W-W-Well . . ."
His trailing voice lets me guess what has happened, so I share with him my conclusions: "You were actually going to go on another date with this other woman you met, so you used me as an excuse."
"Bingo!" He even has the audacity to point at me with both of his hands mimicking a gun. "The winner goes to Miss Gemma Fan!"
"You're such an ass, you know that?" I groan.
Before I can complain more, the woman continues to yell, "I know you're in there, Lucien! Stop hiding and man up!"
"Yeah," I scoff and cross my arms. "Stop hiding and man up."
"And you said I was an ass," he murmurs.
"I'm just repeating the truth," I correct him.
I shake my head, reminding him, "You shouldn't piss me off when I'm the one giving you refuge. You're technically the refugee here in my domain."
"Can you not make me sound like some starving orphan from a developing country?"
"Oh wait." I place my hand to my cheek and pout my lips as I contemplate. "You're actually . . . a man whore who can't keep his junk in his pants."
The pounding continues along with the screaming: "Lucien, you come out here with your slut!"
I've played the role of a too many times that I'm getting bored of the lines that I say. Usually I just need to tell his girlfriend that he has already fallen in love with me or that he doesn't want to date her anymore. Subsequently, I get slapped in the face, splashed by some form of liquid, spat in the face, or pushed down to the floor. Before a cat fight can happen, Lucien usually pulls us apart and then apologizes to the girlfriend. Then the scene ends with Lucien treating me to some fancy lunch or dinner. Sometimes, if he feels very regretful, he will buy me something that I want like a Kindle or an Ipad.
In fact, Lucien and I actually met because of something similar to this scene, except it was with my own sister, Danielle. Danielle happened to be dating Lucien's older cousin, Jake Hunt, until she cheated on him and found a better catch. Danielle, being the coward she was, begged me to tell Jake that she wanted to break up, and in exchange, I would be paid $200. Jake and Lucien were living together at the time since Lucien was going to college around the area. Unfortunately, when I arrived at their household, Lucien was the one to greet me and since I assumed that only Jake would be living there, I mistook Lucien for Jake. I ended up saying the lines Danielle wanted to voice only to be laughed at by Lucien. I can still remember his horse-like guffaw.
"Oh my God! This is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time! Ha! Wait till I till everyone in the family! Ha! Jake getting cheated on! I knew she was bad news! Ha! God I can't wait to see him crying like a little girl! Ha!" Lucien rambled.
Meanwhile, I was standing there watching a fool laugh till his stomach hurt and waiting for him to recover. By the time, Lucien caught his breath, I asked, "So when will Jake be home? I can't go home until I tell him the news in person."
"Ugh," Lucien scratched the side of his head and mumbled. "It'll be pretty late. He usually gets off work at around 10 or 11 pm. Maybe it's best that you come back later or let Danielle do the work."
He was about to close to door on me, but I stop held onto the handle and told him, "No! I can't go. It takes me an hour by the metro to get back home."
"I can drive you home," Lucien suggested.
"No. I made a promise with my sister that I'd finish the job by tonight."
"Fine," Lucien agreed and opened the door wide for me. "You can stay at the living room until Jake comes home."
I ended up sitting awkwardly on the sofa and faced a plasma TV that had been turned off. Lucien was behind me at the kitchen table and was eating his dinner. I thought I wouldn't be hungry, but smelling his pasta made my stomach grumble very loudly, so loudly that I could hear Lucien's laugh.
"Sorry," I apologized.
"No it's fine. It's already six anyways. Do you want to join me then?" Lucien offered. "I happened to make extra."
"Yup. That's fine."
As soon as he finished his sentence, I dashed to the kitchen and took the seat in front of him. Lucien walked to the stove and prepared my serving of spaghetti and meatballs. As he placed the plate in front of me, I could feel my drool almost dripping down to my chin.
"Wow," I blurted. "This looks so good. You honestly made this?"
"Yup! Cooking is a hobby of mine," he told me.
"Is cleaning also a hobby of yours?" I accidentally pondered.
"Nothing," I mumbled and stuffed my face with a meatball.
"Tell me. I'm curious why you asked that."
After I finished munching, I verified, "Are you sure you want to know why?"
"Okay. Well . . . if you liked cleaning as well, I was wondering if I could employ you as my maid?"
Lucien nearly choked on the glass of wine he was sipping due to his laughter. "No thanks," he told me. "Say," he suddenly wondered, "do you happen to go to the university here?"
"Yeah. Why are you asking that?"
"I'm also studying there too! I'm in my second year, and my major is in business administration."
"No wonder you look familiar," he added. "What's your name?"
I then placed my fork on the plate and pondered, "Is this some pickup line?"
"No?" he mumbled. "It's just small talk?"
"I hate small talk," I sighed and continued to eat. "You know . . . you can carry on with whatever you were doing before and ignore my presence."
"Well I was going to go out after I finished dinner."
"Then you can go out faster," I argued.
"Don't you think it's reasonable for me not to leave the house when there's a stranger here?"
"True. I guess we'll have to make do with each other."
There was at least five minutes of silence between us before Lucien finally said, "I'm Lucien Von Altdorf." His name made me laugh for a good two minutes or so, and this time, he was the one that pondered, "Why are you laughing?"
"I-I-I don't mean to be rude, but . . . your name sounds like some medieval vampire!"
"I'm actually half German and half French," he explained. "I think my dad's side has some royal lineage."
"And your name?"
"Gemma Fan, half American, half Taiwanese."
Lucien's eyes lit up as he blabbed, "No wonder you have black hair and light brown eyes! I was trying to guess what you were all this time."
"Gee, I sound like an alien."
"No, no," he corrected himself. "You look quite fine. Just on the short side."
"Hey! Just because I am five foot one, doesn't mean that—"
Before I could finish my sentence, Jake came home and asked, "Oh, Lucien, is this your new girlfriend? She doesn't look like your type. Don't you usually date really skinny models?"
Since I felt like I had been punched hard in the stomach, I instinctively announced to Jake, "I'm actually your 'ex'-girlfriend's sister. You see, Danielle said that she fell for someone else and wants to break up now."
I really regretted being the bearer of bad news because Jake ended up wailing till he couldn't open his eyes. Lucien and I had to give him a tub of cookie dough ice cream from Ben & Jerry's while we listened to him recant about how much he loved her, how they had met, why she left him, and who she fell for. Jake had complained so much that I had to stay over at their place and had to wear the same outfit to school the next day. Thanks to this scenario, I got misinterpreted by Lucien's then girlfriend and received my first slap from a woman. This continued to spark this cycle of girlfriends coming at me to get their revenge.
This time, I want to try to play another scene, so prior to opening the door for the furious monster to come in, I warn Lucien, "You're going to owe me big time now."
"You!" this girlfriend instantly points at me and then gives me a large blow to my face.
Feeling rather annoyed that I'm getting a slap before I even had the chance to say anything, I purposely groan loudly for Lucien to pity me. "What was that for?" I howl.
"Stop acting like you're the victim when you've been sleeping with my boyfriend!" she shrieks.
I roll my eyes and jeer, "The one that isn't loved is the one that shouldn't even belong in the relationship." I wrap my arm around Lucien's and intentionally lean my head against him. "Right, honey bun?" I look up and make the best grin I can think of.
Caught by surprise, Lucien stammers, "Y-Y-Yes. Of course."
"Oh my God! How can you even side with this ?" she roars.
"Don't call her that, Natalie," Lucien utters.
"I can't believe it!" She continues to shake her head back and forth.
Knowing that this is the perfect time to end everything, I cling onto Lucien's arm tighter and tell him, "Darling, let's continue from where we left off mm?" Then, I squeeze his butt once and rub my hand up and down his back. I hear a weird moan coming from Lucien, but I try to ignore his odd behaviour. "Please just leave us be," I tell Natalie. Then, I slam the door in her face and call the security of this apartment to take her away. When I finish my call, I turn my head to find Lucien still standing there in shock. "Hello?" I wave my hand in front of his face a few times. "You awake?"
"Y-Y-Yeah," he stutters while keeping his head low.
"What's wrong?" I wonder.
"I feel . . . like I've been . . . raped," he proclaims, causing me to kick him in the ass. "Ouch! God, Gem, do you seriously have to attack me so violently?" His eyebrows furrow together as he rubs his bottom.
"Serves you right for making me get slapped again," I huff before heading to the kitchen to grab some ice. This Natalie managed to claw my cheek with her sharp nails. Somehow the women that Lucien date always have colourful, long nails that hurt when I'm getting hit.
Following behind me, Lucien remarks, "Sorry about that."
"Yeah you better be," I snap at him while opening the freezer's door.
"But I always make it up to you right?"
As soon as I close the freezer door, I notice his bubbly smile which has been used too often to win over the hearts of women. I wouldn't be surprised if Lucien had been asked to model for some dental advertisement. Actually, he can model for anything; I'm sure people would buy something from him, even tires or sewing machines.
"Maybe," I mumble and place the ice pack on my face.
"Wait," Lucien tells me. "Let me take a look." With much reluctance, I lift the ice pack from my cheek and let him examine the swollen area. "I think you got a few cuts here too," he notes. He slips his hand in his pocket for his wallet and takes out a band-aid. Then, he unwraps the wrapper and places the band-aid on my cut. "There," he says. "That's better."
I see him trying to muffle his laughter, so I wonder, "What's so funny?"
"S-S-Sorry," he murmurs. "Y-Y-You . . . Hahahaha!"
"You . . . look like a NFL player or like some rapper. Hahahahahahaha!"
I grab onto my cheeks and complain, "Ugh! What am I going to do now? How the hell am I going to get a boyfriend?"
"Why do you even need one?" Lucien looks at me with much confusion.
I throw my arms in the air and start ranting: "Hello? I'm already twenty five and I haven't even had a proper date yet. I haven't even gotten laid yet and I haven't even kissed a guy before!"
Lucien simply stares at me for one whole minute before announcing one word: "Fuck."
"Exactly." After I release my sigh, I purr, "I think I should get Tinder."
"Tin-what?" he hollers. "No!" He slaps his hand on the counter. "You are not going to sink that low."
"What are you even talking about? There are still decent people on Tinder. I'm sure that—"
"Do you want your whole office to know about your dating situation huh?"
"But the people on Tinder in the office would just know."
Lucien still refutes, "No. You are not getting Tinder. I'm not going to send you out there to be raped by some horny dude and then made a sex tape about it to be circulated all over the world."
"Okay," I blink a few times and reply. "You're overreacting."
"You're overreacting by going that far."
I shrug my shoulders and look to the side. "I was actually thinking of finding a sperm donor in the future if I can't find a husband. I do want to have a kid you know?"
"What if you get the sperm of some criminal or a really dumb guy? Huh?" Lucien suggests. "It's better to get some sperm from someone you know and trust."
"If you . . . needed, I could—"
"Ew. No, Lucien, no. I'm not gonna use your sperm. I don't want the risk of getting some womanizer as a son," I wave my hands at him and object.
"Hey," Lucien reminds me. "I'm not a bad guy, you know? My appearance definitely qualifies."
I take a good look at Lucien and objectively assess his appearance. He has a pair of striking blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, a tall, straight nose, and a prominent jaw. Danielle always tells me how much Lucien looks like Mathias Lauridsen from the Gucci Homme cologne advertisements, and I do agree with her. Lucien even has a model's height of around 185 cm; I really am a dwarf beside him.
"But your infidelity sucks," I comment, "and your personality is crap. I think I'm still going to sign up for Tinder."
I reach for my phone that is on the counter only to have Lucien get it first. "What's really going on with you, Gem?" he asks. "You've never been so desperate before."
"You sure you want to hear it?"
"Yes." Lucien makes himself right at home by pouring himself a glass of water from a pitcher that I have beside the sink.
"All right." I gasp for a big breath of air before I make the statement. "My best guy friend is engaged."
Lucien only mentions, "I'm not engaged. I thought . . . I was your best guy friend."
"Um . . . he also happens to be my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten, and I'm pretty sure I've loved him for all these years."
It must be lottery day for me because Lucien manages to spit out the water he is about to gulp down, and all of the water lands on my face. Is it so hard to believe that I've had a crush on another man for a long time?
Lucien just responds with this: "Fuck."