In kindergarten I learned my alphabet just like everyone else, earlier in fact, I was a very good reader I told my teacher.
I read books and loved pictures but I never pictured I would have to read my mind instead of books and search through archives of memories and shelves of trauma to find one singular answer to the complex question of why.
ABC to me now is a borderline catastrophe but when those pictures in books were alive they told me it was imagination and sensitivity. You just feel too much.
I felt the restlessness of Jasmine I felt the anxiety of Snow White I felt the anger of Maleficent I felt the depression of Arial I felt the longing of Pocahontas the superiority of Ursula the invincibility of Aladdin the valiance of Prince Philip the power of Jafar- control your emotions.
But see that little ABC made it hard for me to control anything there is a war in my head and my very development skewed the outcome and treaties were out of the question-one side never really had a chance and you can hear the bombing in my head half my brain begging to keep the shots from firing out of my mouth but I know my pre-frontal cortex just isn't enough and my amygdala isn't giving up she sees the end in sight and the end comes, the end of whatever relationship I just shattered with the bullets of accusations built on lies. Although at the time lies seemed like facts so logically facts were lies and now they just slapped me with a diagnosis and said don't die.
If you want a day in the life of a borderline then get in line of the next roller coaster and border the experience of anxiety ridden highs and crushing gravitorial lows and then come to me and say that was fun. It's not.
My brain cannot receive the messages it needs my wifi is down permanently and my broad band is limited to my jeans therefore my brain starts to lose touch with reality. My emotions range from 100 to 1 in 60 flat which puts me flat on my face facing the knowledge that I'll regret my highs when I'm on my lows and low doesn't matter when you're high above the clouds but gravity is a bitch and bitches get stitches when they hit the ground and being grounded when you're a borderline hurts like hell.
Speaking of hell I'm there like every day how can anyone human possibly feel this much pain; that's just it, they can't. Death when you're a borderline is a familiar thing even when you're living you know the clock is ticking. How can I live knowing my chances of survival are minimal because my brain is in a constant power struggle; it's Germany fighting England, England fighting Italy, Italy fighting France, and Russia is just dominating.
The landscape in my head is a ticking time bomb of suicide but the clock slows down when you're on deaths watch and the nurses don't let you out of sight, even if you feel like everything isn't alright. You're mind is racing and you're pretty sure death is near then all of a sudden you're fine.
I'm left feeling floored with the door wide open letting the emotional anti freeze drain and although I'm finally feeling no pain I feel...nothing. Empty is a trait of the ABC's chronically spreading throughout my body a map a landscape that seems to go on for eternity and a black hole isn't enough imagery to get across the enormous hole in my chest it's bigger than me and all my memories flood into it and insomnia takes hold then the pain comes back and I'm left feeling inconsolable.
Something feels wrong like lodged in my rib cage I just want it out can someone pull it out but there's nothing there, literally nothing, the pain is just energy trying to escape and the emotions swell along with the hate I hate myself I hate life in general how can people live through this life of hell's turmoil.
Then I understand and realize the truth, not everyone learned their letters as quickly as I, they came clear and large but in the wrong order g after q and s before a, so while everyone was learning the order is supposed to be r through z I was trying to understand the concept of not seeing the letters in ultraviolet while black was on the page and I was quickly left behind, emotionally.
Alone with intensity is a devastating thing even when I reach out it becomes obsessing and possession is a natural thing aboard the borderline train and these feelings are normal, we know that to be wrong but how can you tell the difference when everything feels like a million tons. Being borderline is hard to explain but it's a lot like ABC's. In kindergarten I learned my alphabet just like everyone else, earlier in fact, I was a very good reader I told my teacher.