A/N: To zanybellecloudo, without whom this would never have been.

Hostess Monologue


"Hold on – who's there? Oh, it's you! Welcome! It's so good to see – I'm really glad you came. Did you find the place all right? Oh, look at me, just babbling – come in, come in; don't just stand there – come in! Here, let me take your coat – no, no, just leave the door open. We wouldn't want to block your escape, now, would we? Let me just put this away for you and –

"I can't even begin to tell you how exhilarated I am that you decided to come! I wasn't sure if you'd seen the invitation, but – here you are!

"I'll take you on the grand tour and get you introduced to everybody in just a second, dear, but before we begin, there are a few things I'd like to get out of the way.

"First of all, I must apologise for the invitation; I know it was sorely lacking, but – you know – it's my first time doing this, so please don't judge me based on that. I guarantee that tonight will be much more interesting.

"What are we doing tonight, you ask? Well, we are having a dinner party! That's right – a dinner party. Isn't it exiting? I'm sure you're going to just love it to pieces.

"Well, it is actually my first time hosting a dinner party as well, so the food might bad and the company might be bland, but – you know; we all had to start somewhere, am I right? I'm right. Just don't be mean about it, okay? If you don't like it, feel free to leave – you know where the door is, and, since we left it open, there is nothing keeping you from making a quick getaway.

"Oh, but don't forget to sign the guestbook before you leave! Just remember, don't be mean; I do not appreciate mean.

"Now, second of all – and this is mostly just a friendly heads up – there are people here tonight, and – well, people have this annoying tendency to be living breathing creatures that live full lives with ups and downs, and some of them downs might be rather unpleasant for you to hear about, which is why you should proceed with caution. There is a real risk of being the witness of emotional turmoil that might upset you. Also, some of the people might be – what do you call it? – they might be people who are not you. Some of them might be quite different from you, but that's okay, because now you've been warned.

"Third of all, someone is going to experience a horrible accident. I won't tell you how, why or who, not even when, but someone is most definitely going to experience a horrible accident – oh, don't look so scared! I'll make sure and warn you just before it happens so that you can skip that part. Don't worry about it, my dear.

"Oh, I almost forgot – there is going to be sexual intercourse happening in one of the corners of the living room, but don't worry about that either – It won't happen while you are in the room.

"Now, I think that was it! Let's get started on that tour, shall we? If you would just follow me this way down the –

"Well, as you can see, we are in a hallway. The hallway has walls that are blue, a floor that is made out of hardwood, and that there – that is a shoe rack – no, no, you don't have to take off your shoes; we don't actually use the shoe rack. It's merely for decorative purposes. I just thought it would make a nice touch.

"But that there, however, is a dagger hanging on the wall. Let me just repeat that: there is a dagger hanging on the wall – a very SHARP and DANGEROUS dagger hanging on the wall – a DAGGER.

"Let's proceed.

"As we walk down the hallway, you'll notice a few doors. The first door on the right is the guest toilet. If you take a peek inside, you will notice the refreshing use of purple in purple, and the smell of lavender.

"Now, the second door on the right is the kitchen. Let's just pop inside and have a look.

"The kitchen has four walls, a floor and a ceiling, and two windows. It is made out of counters and cupboards, and has a fridge and a stove and an oven and a dishwasher and an extractor hood an a microwave and a toaster and an electric kettle and a coffee machine and a kitchen scale and a bread basket and some plates and spoons and forks and knives and glasses and cups and pots and pans and a corkscrew – yes, yes, Bill, I'll introduce you in just a second, but I just need to – and a grater and a cutting board and a jug and a ladle and a mixer and a pair of even gloves and a pepper mill and a salt shaker and some measuring cups and a – no, wait – two can openers and some spatulas and a fruit basket and – well, that's it!

"Okay, let me introduce you to someone – this is Bill Babington III, a twenty nine-year-old software designer from – shush, Bill, let me introduce you! – from some place exotic. As you can see, he has chestnut hair, chestnut eyes, skin in the shade of somewhere between chestnut and chocolate, a mole under his right eye, thin lips, a big nose and a few wrinkles here and there. He is tall, of an average weight, has rather large feet and hands, but his wrists are surprisingly dainty! I know; it surprised me, too. Tonight, he is wearing grey jeans, a red shirt, black socks with a green trim, black loafers with red stitching and – pull up your shirt a bit for me, Bill – and what appears to be white boxer briefs – you can pull down your shirt again, Bill – and an expensive wrist watch with a black leather strap. Bill is the son of Carla Catharina Babington, née Cabrera, and William Bertram Babington II; he is husband to Sarah Selene Babington, née Summers, and father to Billy Bill Babington IV and Belle Betsy Babington.

"Say hi, Bill!"

"Hi."

"Okay, let's move on.

"As we walk out of the kitchen and back into the hallway – do you remember the hallway? Let me refresh your memory: the hallway has walls that are green, floors that are tiled, and that there – that is a shoe rack – no, no, you still don't have to take off your shoes – it just really makes the room, doesn't it? Oh, and don't forget the dagger hanging on the wall – the DAGGER.

"So, if we take the first door on the right – that would be the first door on the left from the front door – we have the living room. But let me just tell you about the layout of the upstairs – you won't actually go there, but you need to know.

"The second floor consists of six rooms: there is the master bedroom, three normal bedrooms, an office and a bathroom. Now, each of these rooms are kept in a certain colour scheme, so we call them the Red Room, the Ruby Room, the Crimson Room, the Scarlet Room, the Cherry Room and the Other Red Room respectively.

"Now, the living room – the living room is beautiful.

"And here we have Sandra Sage Summers, a sassy little thing with a major attitude; I mean, boy, is she lively, bold and full of spirit – some might even call her cheeky. She used to be a cheerleader, but know she's all grown up! Sandra has blond hair, peach skin and sapphire blue eyes; she has a heart shaped face and is slim with a nice waist and big breasts. Tonight, she is wearing red jeans, a pink shirt and a red cardigan on top, red socks and pink sneakers and – pull down your pants a little, Sandra – and white panties – stop flashing Sandra! – and some jewellery she may or may not have inherited from her grandmother. Sandra is Bill's sister-in-law; the daughter of Ava Adele Summers, née Adams, and Sylvester Sean Summers; she is the sister of Sarah Selene Babington, née Summers, and Simon Sean Summers.

"Say hi, Sandra!"

"Hi."

"Okay, then we have Sarah – she doesn't matter."

"Hey!"

"Shush, Sarah – go stand in the corner!

"Then we have Larry Lawrence Leroy, a man of indecipherable age and a forgettable face. His hair, eyes and skin have some kind of coloration. He is neither tall nor short, neither fat nor thin. Tonight, he is wearing grey jeans, a blue shirt, black socks and shoes, and – well, those jeans are hanging rather low – and red underwear – pull up your jeans, Larry! – and nothing else. Larry is the son of Erica Elise Leroy, née Erikson, and Lawrence Larry Leroy.

"I don't like him.

"Go stand in the corner with Sarah, Larry!

"So, if you would just follow me into the dining room – do you remember the dagger hanging on the wall of the hallway – the DAGGER? Okay, great – I was just checking.

"I'm particularly proud of the dining room – I spent a great deal of time getting it just right! Everything is handpicked, from the Italian hand-carved mahogany dinning table with the mosaic top – those mosaics were hand painted by blind nuns, you know – to the equally Italian hand-carved mahogany chairs with embroidered silk upholstery – that embroidery was embroidered by blind nuns, you know – and let's not forget all the other very expensive, yet very useless, items meticulously placed around for emphasis.

"As you might have noticed, the table is already set – doesn't the food smell nice? I'm sure it must have gone cold, but doesn't it look pretty? We'll eat in a minute, but first I need to introduce you to two more people.

"That man there – stand up, Peter – is Peter Patrick Peterson and, as you can see, he is… different, what with his small stature and delicate limbs, big doe eyes and pouty lips. Even his red streaked hair and purple eyes are different. Tonight, he is wearing ripped skinny jeans in black, a black shirt, red socks, red shoes and – is it even possible to wear underwear in those pants? – and presumably no underwear – no Peter, we don't need to see – and black leather cuffs as well as various metal things pierced through his skin. Peter is an orphan; it's a very tragic story – his entire family went up in flames when their car crashed during a car chase. They were trying to escape some vague, yet menacing, government agency – very tragic indeed.

"Say hi, Peter.

"I said, say hi, Peter.

"Say hi, Peter!"

"Hey."

"And last, but not least, we have Danny – he's not important either, so forget you ever saw him.

"Actually, Danny – make yourself useful and go get the others so we might sit down to eat. Shoo, Danny, shoo.

"So, that was everybody. Oh, you poor thing, you must be starving! As soon as Danny comes back, we can –

"Wait – what is that – what´s going on in there? Is that –?

"Oh, dear. It is time. Do you remember that horrible accident I was talking about? Well, that is about to happen in the living room, so – you know what? Why don't you close your eyes and I'll let you know when this is all over, okay? Are they closed? Good.

"Now, I'll just open the door a bit to see –

"Oh dear lord! No, no, don't look – it's – ouch – oh god the – put that –

"Okay! It's over; you may look now. As you can see, Larry has suffered a horrible accident and is quite dead – oh no, I can't tell you what happened; it might scar you for life! All you really need to know is that Larry is no more and that someone in this house did the deed.

"Who, you ask?

"Well, that is an excellent question. Why don't we discuss that over dinner? Come on, everybody – no, not you Sarah! – let's go to the dining room – no, Danny, nor you – and enjoy the feast.

"All right then – is everybody comfortable? How are the chairs?

"Well, they weren't really meant for sitting, were they Sandra?

"Now, if everybody is ready, I think it is time for the main –

"What?

"Oh, yes – I forgot. Silly me.

"Well, I won't come right out and simply tell you who killed Larry, my dear reader, but let me give you a clue: it was the one wearing the red shirt."