This was a bad idea.

A crazy, bad, and stupid idea.

Walking down the hallway I tried to step as lightly and as close to the wall as possible.

Why have I never noticed how long the hallways in my parent's home are?

Okay, almost there. Why am I doing this? What could we possible achieve doing this?

Meeting with my ex in the middle of the night while our spouses and children slept upstairs was an absolute recipe for disaster.

But God, did I want to see him. Spend a moment alone and just be able to make eye contact with each other.

Things weren't always this dramatic with Jax. Hell, 10 years ago I thought I was going to marry the guy. We were a complete cliché from the start: childhood friends, he was the older brother's player best friend, me the sweet younger sister; and we fell in love.

Then one blow up and the mistake that followed changed everything. I can't even remember what the fight was even about, something about Jax drinking all the milk, or something dumb like that. To this day I still have no clue why he flipped out the way he did, or why he chose to go to some random bar and get drunk out of his mind.

All I knew, all I was absolutely sure of, was that in his drunken state he made the choice to go home with someone else. Someone that wasn't me and boy, did the consequences of that kick us in the ass. When he came back to the apartment the next day, I took one look at the guilt on his face and I knew.

It took me a full week before I could look him in the face again. Another week yet, to finally break down and talk to him. Then months of screaming arguments, crying going back and forth between telling myself it was over and admitting I couldn't live without him.

But in the end I realized one simple fact: I still loved him.

With everything we had been through in those last few months; every single argument, every single glass thrown, every tear cried. I loved him through it all in the most unwavering, purest, achingly beautiful way and in my heart I knew that I could not let one mistake ruin everything.

The relief from the realization was swiftly replaced with crushing loss when Jax's one night stand turned up on our door step with a POSITIVE pregnancy result from her doctor.

After paternal testing proved the child was without a doubt Jax's, we both received pressure from our families to do the right thing. To think with our head, over our heart. To be responsible and acknowledge that this child needed their mother and their father together.

He had fought back hard, but all I could think about was this little baby, that would have to pay for his parent's mistakes. So, I let him go.

I told him he'd made choices, that we'd both made choices; and we would now bear the consequences of them. I stopped walking as the familiar ache crept into my chest. All this time, and it still took my breath away.

He'd married her and was now the proud father of 2 children, while I'd met and married my husband and was the proud mother of 3. But I never stopped loving him. I never stopped wondering what it would be like had we been with each other the way we were supposed to be.

Our close families kept us together and in each other's lives. We were mature enough to stay cordial with one another when we were at events or holidays together like tonight. Glancing at the clock in the kitchen as I passed towards the front door I noted that it was just past midnight and it was now Christmas morning.

Pausing, I stood in the darkness gazing out at the gently falling snow. Turning to face the way I came, I contemplated going back. I knew Jax was out there sitting on the porch swing.

Just like he'd been every early Christmas morning for the last 5 years; because while every other day of the year we ignored each other or spoke casually while not making eye contact, once a year we ultimately gave in and needed to be together, to really see each other.

It was never anything scandalous. We both took our marriage vows seriously and were never physically unfaithful. We just sat there on the swing, speaking in hushed voices, going over the year of our lives that the other had missed. All the way up until the sun would just start peaking over the mountains.

Then we would stand up and walk away from each for another year.

With a hand on the knob I hesitated one last time. My head was telling to be sensible and responsible to turn around right now, before it was too late again. Instead I quietly turned it and stepped outside. Turning slowly to my left I made my way over to the swing swaying softly in the cold air. Standing there in my flannel pajamas, I rocked back on my heels and said softly, "You come here often?"

He chuckled with his deep voice and lifted one arm, raising the thick blanket he had with him up.

"Every now and then."

I couldn't stop the wide grin that stretched over my face as I snuggled deep into the warmth that was pure Jax.

Tonight my heart spoke louder, and right now, it was singing.

Little ONESHOT deal I did for a Wattpad prompt. "Heart Over Mind or Mind Over Heart"