My eyes were aching from another night with Georgie Schwartz. My muscles were tense and tired and there was nothing this king sized bed or silky soft covers could do about it.
'I'm rich... I live rich... I even look rich - whatever that looks like...' I thought letting out a tired groan. 'But why am I so unsatisfied?'
That was when I felt a pruney hand creepily toy with the elastic in my underwear and my muscles tensed up the same way they had been the entire night. I suddenly remembered why I was so miserable - It was all because of Georgie Schwartz.
It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The guy was older than wrinkles and more pale than paper! I mean seriously, the whole idea behind not dating older men is that most of them have hardly anything in common with younger women... But here I was. It all started when I was struggling back in college. It was a pretty hard life, but then this rich old man comes along offering me his fortune for nothing but a signature. Now, you can think what you want, but I took his proposal and I took his money with it. The only problem is that I have to wait for him to die in order to keep it.
I had my fingers crossed on this guy catching cancer or becoming handicap, but it had never happened. It turns out Georgie is a very jumpy old man and happens to be more animated than I am in my late twenties! Yes, I am dead serious, this guy literally talks like a TV show from the 1920's and I don't even know why... His Mid-Atlantic accent drives me nuts!
"Goood Moooorning Judy..." His animated singing voice was like nails on a chalkboard. I felt the man climb on top of me and repeat the same song. I couldn't tell, but it felt like he was getting closer to my ear... I knew for sure when I felt his tongue lightly tickle my earlobes. The worst of it was his morning breath. It was so fowl that that the stench could have turned into a fist and punched me in the face.
'When will you die!?' I think.
Lets face it, life was distressful and death was annoying, but if I was going to go back to hell, you can bet your sweet ass I'd be doing it with Georgie's money. I find myself thinking of his death everyday - I'd be set for life. Sure the process is miserable, but it's totally worth it. I'd sooner take a miserable marriage than minimum wage and rent. The way I see it, Georgie Schwartz is the obstacle of life and having to make my own living is hell. Death is the fucking crow that sits at my window.
Yes a literal crow at my window. I KNOW it's the same crow because it is very different from most crows. For starters, it's wearing clothes. Anyone can see this bird, but nobody ever thinks anything of it. I'm not sure why, but the crow is dressed like a detective for Christ's sake! And if that wasn't enough, it talks... Yes, it fucking talks.
"Oh, Judy, I love ya Judy! Simply love ya!" Georgie says.
"Oh, thank you..." I say before politely reaching into the dresser next to my bed for a package of cigarettes.
"Does my little honey bunny need assistance to the shower?" The way he suggestively wiggled his eyebrows made my already tensed muscles hurt a little. I definitely did NOT want to go into the shower with that man! It was bad enough I married him and had to sleep in the same bed.
"No thank you, Georgie, I'll manage." I reply.
"I'll be waiting ya Jew-dee... Oh, I'll be waiting for that boo-dee..."
His lyrical way of speaking makes me mentally cringe as I frantically feel around the drawer for my cigarettes only to see myself with a hand full of wrapped up pixie sticks... With a note attached.
"Oh, you're so clever Georgie, capitalizing on the fact that i'm Jewish..." I was obviously lying to the guy, but who cares. I just wanted to read the note attached to the pixie sticks. It read;
Smoking is bad for ya Judy.
Smoking is bad for the house, Judy.
I love ya Judy, I love ya.
I care about your health, Judy.
I love ya, Judy, I love ya.
I, simply, love ya.
I crumbled the paper as soon as Georgie went into the bathroom and turned my attention to the nicely dressed crow at the window. The birds expressions never changed. He looked into my eyes and as soon as he knew I was looking into his, he began to speak.
"Open the window." The crow demanded. He began pecking the glass gently and it gave off a very annoying tapping sound in the process.
"No." I reply as he pecked the glass. The bird was obviously getting frustrated and I knew that I was trying his patience.
"Open the window." He repeated.
"You little shit! I said open the goddamn mother fucking glass wind-"
"No, I won't do it! I wont!"
The bird stopped tapping, cussing, and demanding altogether. He took a good look at the window and stared into my eyes victoriously. I looked closely at the window and felt sick upon realizing Georgie had left it unlocked last night.
'Oh God...' I groan as the bird pushes the window open with his head and waddles onto the bedroom floor.
"Well Hiya, bitch!"
"What's all the ruckus and fusses!" Georgie said walking out the bathroom in his white man panties.
"Hiya Georgie!" The crow said with a tilted neck as the old man smiled.
"Make yourself comfortable crow... I love ya... And I love you too Judy... I simply love ya!"
The minute Georgie went into the bathroom, the bird threateningly popped it's neck to the other side and maintained the most innocent bird face... Or perhaps that's just because birds don't have the muscles to visibly show emotion.
"Enjoying the wealth ya lil cunt?" The crow snapped.
"U-Uhh... Yes." I say slowly climbing out of the bed thinking about where I would make my escape.
"Where ya going, bitch? I'm just getting started."
"U-Uh... Georgie might be wanting a little company in the shower and I-I should probably join him."
"Yeah?" He began menacingly tearing up the carpet with his little crow talons.
"Y-Yeah... S-So you can stop ruining our carpet now."
"I'll ruin your face, bitch."
"That won't be necessary..."
"You wanna fight, Jew-dee?"
"I-I had better take that shower now." I say sobbing a little on the inside.
"Yeah, that's what I thought." The crow snapped.