The Lonely

I sat there, sitting in the dark. Thinking. Wondering. Pondering. What was this thing I felt? Why did it feel so deep? Where did it come from? How long have I had it? Determined to find the answers, I thought even harder; taking a sip of the long since cold cup of tea. The topic of "feelings" had been on my mind for some time. The determination to find the answers robbed me of rest, but how could someone rest with such a heavy mental burden?

The answers all came at once as the clock struck 2 A.M. I thought having answers to everything would make me feel better. Make me be better. But it did not. The answers were almost too much. Almost to the point where I felt like my world was more upside down than right side up. The sudden blow of truth hit my mind and forced a tear to trace down my cheek.

I found the name for that feeling. I knew why it was deep. I found its source. The burden of knowing the estimated time could have cracked the fabric of reality.

Lonely. That's what I felt for so long, so deeply, and yet I had not been able to place the name. Upon realizing its name, I knew there was no going back on perspective.

Adjusting my position in my chair, I sat deeper back into the chair only to go even deeper into my thoughts.

Lonely: sad from being alone: desolate: solitary.

Solitary: yes, I indeed felt that. Sad from being alone? No. I liked my down time, and almost all the time I did not care if there was nobody in the room with me. So how could I be lonely?

"The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

Yet the feeling of loneliness was so deep. Why? Because it took root at the heart. You could only feel it where it began. Loneliness was planted at the heart and grew from there on out.

I sighed. I did not want to find out the ending result of overgrown loneliness. Somewhere deep down, where love fought loneliness, I could feel that small want of actually finding someone else. Then that feeling would be overcome with other thoughts. No one will ever want to even try to truly get to know me. There is no point to waste time on such an ambitious, jumpy, nervous wreck as yourself. You have no plan for future life and you are in a certain mess now. Give a good reason that would need to add yet another piece of chaos to your life such as love? A job? You can barely handle the balance of chores and homework, but yet most people can.

You are under the average of a human being. You won't reach the standards of a human being.

I would succumb to these thoughts, and those would bring dark days. Then when love fought back, the days seemed to get a bit brighter. But to think if there might truly be someone for me, and to look around and see the successful and happy people, pushed me back to my content lonely ways.

One of the biggest problems about this was that I let no one see that. I let them see the totally immature side of me that really had no care for the world. Someone who had friends, but are you a true friend when you can't bring yourself to say anything, to anyone?

I opened the window next to me. The midnight breeze rustled my hair. I grabbed my hair in frustration as my heart continued to hurt.

"Just stop," I whispered, tears streaking down my face, "no more. I'm tired. Please stop…" I silently cried there, hunched over, my face buried in my hands. Something cold landed on my exposed knee. Apparently my blanket had fallen to the floor in my restless rocking. I looked down to see what landed there. I only say a fleck of white turn to water.

I sniffed, still looking at my knee. After another moment of staring into space, I slowly looked up.

I stared in awe outside. It was snowing, not lightly, but not like a blizzard. The cold breeze blew through my open window, bring in a whirl of snow. I sighed. I wanted to be this innocent person. But the thoughts I continued to have just made me feel dirty. I got up slowly, and grabbed my shawl. I headed outside.

Sure it was in the middle of the night, but I liked it that way. There was no one there, and I could feel at rest. All I wanted was peace, but when there is no agreement, peace is tossed aside. I walked out into the middle of my yard, wrapping my shawl a bit tighter around me.

Taking in the peaceful surroundings, I sat down there in the snow. I loved it. I wish I could stay in this moment forever. The moon shone bright that night, even though there was thick snow falling.

I was overwhelmed with this feeling of peace. I flopped backward into the snow laughing a bit. Then I realized I was smiling. I sat there for a couple moments until I heard the front door creak open. I looked up. My little sister, with her ratty hair, pink nightgown, and warm chocolate brown eyes was standing there.

I gestured for her to come closer. She walked into the middle of the yard and sat down. I wrapped her up in my shawl, and leaned back down on the grown. She cuddled with me, not saying a word. I continued to stare at the sky, in a new set of thoughts.

I thought of all the times I fought with my siblings, my parents, friends, and life. I remembered how I felt, and I physically winced at the thought. Then I remembered the peace I felt afterwards. I always felt the peace and solitude more strong than any other moment of my life. It was because I had hit rock bottom, and there, I found my Rock, who was at the bottom.

I sighed, realizing my lips were chapped, my toes bright red and numb, and my sister asleep. I slowly stood up in the snow. I wrapped the rest of the shawl around her sleeping figure. I picked her up and carried her inside. I lay her on the bed.

I may had had answers, but it did not leave me with what to do with my life.

I climbed into bed, after shutting the window of course. I watched the snow fall outside. I slowly began to drift to sleep.

My last thought before I was gone was this: Was it okay to be lonely? If so, why do people hate it?

This is a short story written for the love of people who feel lonely. I don't feel like this is enough, so I might add to it. Give me some ideas in the comments that should be addressed in the issue of a lonely life. I would love to hear from you. This is "The Lonely".

By: thegirlwhoneverforgot