My hands still feel wet.
It had been a week since I had killed him, but I could still feel the blood. It was so red, and so, so thick; it coated my fingers like cement. I couldn't wash away the feeling—I tried.
I walked home that night, my hands in my pockets, and they were still wet. I had washed them in the sea, dipped my hands in and pretended that I was just sitting there, as if I was just staring at the sky. I was so desperate that I just threw my hands in there; honestly, I had no plan, never intended on killing him, but I did. Now, I had to do something about it. I had to clean my trails. I had to wash my hands. I had to wash my clothes. I had to pretend I had plans, I—I had to do anything and everything just to pretend I hadn't killed him. But, that was already obvious, I guess.
I just didn't know if I could do it. I couldn't. If anyone was awful at keeping secrets it was me. At work, everyone made sure to count on me for things they probably shouldn't have. I guess I looked like that kind of guy. Nonetheless, I never could keep my mouth shut...nor could I ever fulfill what they needed of me. I wasn't that kind of guy. I was, I am, absolutely, incredibly, crazy.
But, I think that never really bothered me. I think what bothers me is that feeling in my gut that tells me what I did was troublesome, maybe a little bad. Do I care? Possibly. I could still feel the blood dripping off my fingers, like glue, like an inescapable responsibility chasing you. I killed him, I killed him, I killed him—
No, no, you have to relax. Breathe. You killed him, you see? That's great. You did it. You erased everything. Cleaned the body, used a little acid, got your hands dirty and cleaned them. That's all. No body, no crime, Rolf. At ease, at ease.
At ease, at ease, I whisper out, as I tug on each of my fingers one by one. I could almost feel the blood slicking off them, dripping onto the sand. I wish I could replicate a little of the feeling. Perhaps, one day I could? This isn't going to be the last body; there was so much more to do. Hadn't you ever wondered if life needed someone like you?
I had wondered all my life, but now I was sure. Quite absolutely, completely sure.