Why is it always raining when I want to see him? I mean, at this point, I don't even have to turn on the weather channel. Whenever I walk down Center Street in hopes of catching a glance into a certain second story window on the corner of Cross Avenue, it starts to rain.
OK. Weather woes aside, I think it's going to be a good sighting tonight. I can see out of the corner of my eye that the light is on. Oh dear, look at that. My phone is doing something confusing again. I think I'll just stand here across the street and pretend to try and figure it out. And of course, I'll get frustrated every twenty seconds and have to glance up and sigh. It one of the immutable laws of the universe. One must look up every time one has to sigh.
I wonder if he's watching TV tonight. Once in a while, the reflection on his window is most definitely football. Only football would throw colored shapes on an outside window like that. I wonder if he's still wearing his suite, or if he's changed into jammies. No wait, no guy under fifty wears jammies. I wonder if he's in his undershirt and sweat pants. I wonder if he's just in his underwear.
OK the whole trying to figure out my phone thing is starting to get ridiculous. Time to switch to plan B. Let me just lean against the building opposite his window to get out of the rain. There's a good foot and a half here under the overhang that's still kind of dry-ish. Yep, nothing to see here. I'm just trying to stay out of the rain. Everyone will just assume I'm waiting for a friend to pick me up. That's what people do, right? Wait for their friends on street corners while trying to stay dry and stare into a second story apartment window.
Holy-moly-guacamole. He's at the window. The phone. Go for the phone! Don't mind me Mr. Gorgeous. Don't mind little old me standing across the street from your fabulous window. I'm just looking at the old phone here. Just like people do. Just trying to keep dry. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Ugh. His window went dark. I can't even. So can't. It's just as well – that might have been the finest sighting ever. I feel like I've just glimpsed the Sasquatch or something. Oh my heck, Tammy is going to FREAK!
No wait, I'm FREAKING RIGHT NOW. He just left the building! Did he see me? Of course he did, I'm standing right flipping here. OK, phone goes away now. Look casual… where did he go? Nooooo where did he… oh there he is. Man, this man walks like a man. Just look at that majestic gate he's got going on. I swear the rain isn't even falling on him. I wouldn't mind falling on him.
What's this now? A jewelry store? Why thank you, Mr. Gorgeous. How kind of you! I don't need the most expensive piece in the store. You're too generous. No, no, so long as it sparkles real pretty, that's all I need. I'm pragmatic like that. Maybe I should go in too. That wouldn't be weird, would it? Maybe I was standing against that wall a couple blocks away trying to decide if I was going to come to this exact jewellery shop. It could happen.
Abort! Abort! Abort! Mr. Gorgeous has left the jewellery shop. What am I doing? What am I doing? I'm walking in circles like an idiot. He's not looking is he? No, he's getting away! Oh no you don't sir. I can speed walk too you know. How would you know? You don't know me. Unless you do know me and I just don't know it. Unless you do the exact same thing that I'm doing to you right now. Oh that would be hilarious. Hilarious and awesome. I'll just look behind me one day and there you'll be.
No, I can't think like that. I'd hate to wet my pants in public, even though it IS raining and no one would know. Except, if it was true, I'd want everyone to know! I'd freaking hire a plane to sky write it! I'd hire hackers to put it on the Google home page! "Mr. Gorgeous LOVES ME!"
OK, I think I just peed a little. No, maybe I'm good. I don't know. I'll check later. Why are you walking so fast, blast it?! Don't you understand that these short little legs can only carry me so fast? What are you trying to do? Get away? You don't want to do that. Trust me. Once you get a taste of this, your search will be over. Come back here!
Ed's Diner? Did you just go into Ed's Diner? Are you freaking kidding me? Oh thank you, Universe. I now understand what you're trying to tell me. Mr. Gorgeous is my flipping soul mate. I go to Ed's Diner whenever I get the chance and guess where you just went. My favorite place. And I bet you're going to order a flipping chocolate milksh… YES. THERE IT IS! Holy freaking, flipping awesomeness. Yes, Mr. Man. You sit in that corner booth. You sit there and suck that chocolate silk into your perfect lips. And oh, by the way, as if I even had to point it out at this point, that's the exact seat that I ALWAYS SIT IN.
Mother-of-pearl, I feel like I'm going to faint. Wait, did I just pee again? I don't even care. It's raining and I don't even care. I don't care if a golden stream flows out of my pant leg for the next five minutes. Mr. Gorgeous and I are soul mates. CONFIRMED.
What? Are you done already? You, my good man, must have a serious set of lungs to be able to inhale that heavenly milkshake that quickly. You must suction kiss like a hoover. I'll have to be prepared for that when you're holding me in your arms later. I don't want to lose a filling or something. Speaking of which, Universe, would you kindly inform my man that we're soul mates sooner than later, please? I think I've been waiting long enough, don't you?
OH YOU and those legs. Seriously. I'm going to have to steal a bicycle or something soon if you don't slow down! First the jewellery store, then the diner and now… a bus stop? OK. This just got real, people. Well, if he hasn't seen me yet, he's going to now. Oh what am I saying? There are other people waiting here too. Yes, let's all stand under the overhang of this building and wait for our dutiful public transit to arrive. Does anyone else smell urine? I swear, this city is full of filthy animals. Maybe my man will run for mayor and clean up this town! Oh my heck, he would look amazing addressing the whole city in one of those suits of his! Ohhhh the grey one. With the pin stripes! That one is my favorite!
OK so here's the bus. Let Mr. Gorgeous go first. Get a feeling for where he sits. Time to board myself. Take all my change Mr. Driver, I don't care. Eyes forward. Walk toward the back. Don't make eye contact. He's not looking anyway. Find a rear seat. Stare at the back of his head for the entire trip. Check, check and triple check.
And we're on the move. And we're here? Well that wasn't nearly long enough. I could have stared at the back of that beautiful head of hair for hours. Oh, did you hear that Mr. Driver? The way he thanked you? He's the best. Always being kind to those around him.
And he's off again. Mental note to self, skip Pilates this week. I'm definitely getting my work out. I'll have to thank him for that later. Even when he's completely unaware, he's making my life better. Thank you, Universe. Thank you so much.
And we're stopping and buzzing an apartment. OK and I'm pulling out my phone again. And he's just standing there. What am I supposed to do? Pretend to walk past him? Walk across the street? He must have seen me by now. Oh crud. What if he knows I've been on his tale the whole time and he's letting me do this ON PURPOSE? Are you just messing with me, Universe? Is this your idea of a joke? I bet he's been into me the whole time and just testing me to see if I'll prove my devotion.
Oh, here we go. The door opens and…
GET. YOUR. LIPS. OFF. HER.
What. The. Heck. What the heck. WHAT THE HECK? Oh my mother flipping HECK! Wow. Like, you two can stop any time now. Come up for air, maybe? Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. This is sick and disgusting. Who does that for this long in public? It's unnecessary. It's indecent. I should call 911 and report a case of indecency. I'm freaking going to do it. This is for your own good, Mr. Gorgeous. I'm sorry. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts… where is my stupid phone? Why can I never find it when… oh, it's in my hand.
Oh crud. Here they come. Look innocent. Just smile when the two disgusting love birds approach. Play it cool. Oh no. Our eyes met. His lips are opening. This is it!
"Hey buddy, have you been following me?"