The night you died was one of the happiest days of my lifetime. Hearing it now, it sounds bad, really bad, terrible even, but look back on what I had to go through. Look back at how long I had to wait to finally reach you. Look back at everything that we went through together, even if it was technically one sided.
Won't you listen to me? If you do, it'll all make sense.
I never really believed in love at first sight, but the first moment I saw you I knew that you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my eternity with. You looked right through me, not even noticing my presence, which really wasn't surprising. Nobody noticed me anymore, and I had finally gotten used to a solitary life filled with the nothingness of being completely and utterly alone.
You were the only person I wanted to see me.
I spent so much time watching you from afar, close enough to touch you, yet just far enough away that you didn't even know that I existed in the same world as you. I loathed my… not life, but the closest thing to it. I loathed it even more whenever you were near, hated the fact that you would never know that I was there, watching you, always watching you, and constantly wanting to make myself known to you.
If I had a soul, I would have sold it just to be able to have you look at me with open and caring eyes. I would have done anything on Earth to let you know that I was there, wishing you well, even when no one else around you would. They may have thought that you didn't deserve love, didn't deserve to be treated the way a good human being deserves to be treated, but I knew better. I watched you laugh. I watched you cry. I watched you learn the ways of the world at an age that no person should have to learn. I watched as the sun started to fade from your beautiful blue eyes, turning them into a melancholic gray.
I prayed to the God I tried to believe in, and couldn't, that you would meet me one day and realize that I was the only person that was ever there for you, even though I knew that that would never happen. Still, I hoped, and I prayed, and I watched, carefully, wondering when the time would come when your chance would finally come.
Knowing that you would never know me was painful, horrible, torturous even, and I had to put up with that for what felt like eons on end. Even through the pining for you, I kept my head up, hoping, and waiting, always waiting, and always watching.
Honestly, the years of waiting in the worst pain I had ever experienced wasn't even the worst part of the years I spent near you, yet still without you.
The worst part was watching you getting progressively worse over the years, becoming less and less of the person that I had originally fallen in love with, even though my love for you never waned over the time I watched you change, and shift, and move on. It was awful, watching your turmoils and not being able to help you through it all. I couldn't take you away from abusive "friends," and abusive partners. I couldn't take you away from your horrid family- your father's drunken words and hands, from your mother's slurred and blurry insults, from your elder brother's mocking words, cruel words, and even worse hands, especially after your father got through with him and didn't even leave a visible mark on you.
As much as I wanted to rip you away from your neverending world of torture, and anguish, and misery, I couldn't. Because of this… this time spent watching you live trapped inside an unbearable hell; I hated everything from my low-some self, to God, to the house we lived in because of it.
Even though I couldn't do anything about the horrors you were experiencing, I kept on standing just outside of your reach, watching everything occur anyway. I shouldn't have been intruding on your life, but I felt like I had to. I had this inexplicable ache whenever you were away, and only keeping you in my sight whenever you were around me was the cure to my ailment.
Frankly, I could have left you alone, if I had really wanted to. There were so many other rooms in your house that I could have moved to. I could have gone back to the attic where I used to stay before this grotesquely haunted house was sold to your family. I could have gone to the basement where all sorts of unknown horrors lie.
I never wanted to become a part of their world, but if I didn't have you to watch over, I very easily could have joined their forces of darkness and evil. They had been asking me for years to join them what they so lovingly called the Underworld, but still I refused.
I was thankful to have my love for you as an excuse to stay sane.
As the years passed ever so slowly, I moved closer and closer to you, risking being caught as your mind began to weather and fade away. I could see you becoming thinner, paler, weaker as the nonstop agony you endured worsened. Your gorgeous blue eyes turned depressingly gray, your clothing turned black and long-sleeved, and the bruises under your eyes darkened until you were taken away from me.
You tried to take yourself out of the life you didn't want anymore, and then you were whisked away to places I couldn't go to. I couldn't leave your lonely house, although I wanted to more than anything else on Earth.
If I could have, I would have followed you. I would have followed you to the ends of the world. I would have followed you to the moon, to the sun, to the galaxies beyond if possible. I would have followed you to Heaven, to Hell, to anywhere in between if you had asked me to go with you.
When you came home after weeks of being in a sterile, white hell, you came back with pinker cheeks and a plastic smile on your face. Nobody noticed how dead your lovely eyes still looked, how uncomfortable you seemed around the people who should have been your family, how much it looked like you wanted to run and hide away from everyone for the rest of your life.
Maybe if somebody else noticed, if anyone else noticed, you'd still be alive.
Whether or not that could have been, we'll never know. What I do know is that as much as I wanted you to live more of the life you deserved to live before you died- a full, happy, rich life, swarmed with people who truly cared about the real you- I'm still thankful that you're here with me now.
Now we can finally meet for the first time, in person, even if we are both dead and "moved on to a better place.".
Yes, it is a bit creepy that I've been watching you from the grave since you were twelve. Yes, it is a bit disturbing that I fell in love with a person so much younger than me, but now that you're seventeen, you're the same age as I was when I drowned in the bathroom next to your bedroom and was too far gone to save myself.
Now we can be together, forever, as long as you want to be with me.
If you don't want me, I understand. I wouldn't want me either. I practically stalked you for five years, waiting as you weathered away into a suicidal mess so we could end up together, but I did it for you. You deserve to be loved, and now you can experience the kind of love you always should of had. Now you can be with someone who has always, and will always love you.
Isn't that what you've always wanted?
I'll never hurt you the way your parents hurt you. I'll never break you the way your brother broke you. I'll never leave you alone, and I'll never make you feel unwanted or unloved. I'll always want you, for the rest of forever.