BATTLING DRUG CARTEL, POPE URGES MEXICAN YOUTH TO "REMEMBER THE CONQUISTADORS"

This is an Onion Style news story based on Pope Francis' recent (February 2016) visit to Mexico. I do not own the Mexican drug cartels. Please comment nicely!

MICHUACAN, MEXICO (INS) Raising his richly bejeweled hands to the sky in prayer before an adoring multitude, Pope Francis today urged Mexican youth to battle against the evil influence of the drug cartels, citing the origins of the Catholic religion in Mexico.

"You must never turn to violence in order to gain what you desire," the Pope cried, to the cheering throng. "Remember that the merciful gospel of Jesus was first brought to Mexico by enlightened men of faith, Spanish nobles who never would have condoned the savage violence of the drug trade. Remember how the faith first came to your beautiful land. Remember the Conquistadors!"

Steadying himself at the rostrum, the elderly pontiff continued, "as a native of South America myself, I know that each of you is grateful for your heritage, and the gift of faith that was brought to this continent by the noble sons of Old Spain. When the gallant Conquistadors first landed on these shores, vice, immorality, human trafficking, and even human sacrifice itself were daily occurrences, condoned by the political and military authorities. Striking out against these foul practices was a sacred duty for the Spanish Conquistadors, who were motivated solely by faith and never by greed. What a contrast from the foul criminals of today's drug cartels, who kill only to get rich! When we look back on the shining example set by the Catholic armies of Old Spain, today's culture of greed and violence seems more unnatural and abhorrent than ever. Only through strict and unquestioning loyalty to the teachings of the Catholic church can men ever hope to overcome their base desire for gold and power, as the Conquistadors did centuries ago!"

"Through all these centuries, people of Mexico, your faith has never wavered. And the Church is grateful! You are like children . . . so easy to fool! I mean, to love!" Pope Francis paused several times during his address, seemingly choked by emotion or perhaps by joyous laughter at the childlike faith of his flock. "Though you are a poor country, and have been for all the long five centuries past, Rome still needs your gold . . . I mean, your prayers! To combat the many evils of the modern world! And chief among these evils, of course, is greed! The Catholic Church has always been greed's greatest enemy!"

After another mysterious choking fit, the Holy Father led the multitude in prayer, then immediately departed for Rome in his private jet.