I'm trying not to hold onto you. As much as I adore the memories I have with you, I know I need to move on. I can't stay in love with someone who has already left the Earth. It's just not possible.
Maybe in another lifetime we could have been together, but it seems like, for now, I'm destined to be with someone else, even if I don't want to be with anyone else but you.
I'm trying to get back to you. I have been fighting tooth and nail, fighting with the Powers That Be, trying to find a loophole in my death so I can be sent back to Earth to continue living the life I used to have with you before I messed everything up.
The only thing I know is that I will do literally anything if it means that I can get to hold you in my arms one last time, even though I don't deserve it.
I'm trying to move on from you. I found someone at Uni who looks exactly like you, which was really trippy in the beginning. They're always pacing around the tree you hung yourself from, almost like they're looking for the reason why you did it. I keep on wanting to go up to them, introduce myself to them, tell them about the girl they look so similar to, but I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm betraying you if I start befriending someone who looks exactly like you, especially when you're no longer here to stop me from pretending that she is the "new you" perse.
I know it's silly that I'm thinking all of this, yet I still feel this way. I, technically, really shouldn't feel bad about this. You're dead. and they're not. There's literally nothing you can do to stop me, even though I wish you could. I'd let you stop me from doing anything as long as I could get you back.
I'm trying to get close to you. After what feels like eons on end, I've found a portal to the Ghost World that the Powers That Be use to go from World to World. The bad part is that I've been stuck in the same spot ever since I got here- the place where I hung myself after finding out that I was pregnant.
Even now, I don't regret killing myself.
My only regret is hurting you.
I'm trying to keep you close to my heart while still trying to let you go. I spoke to the pacing person under your tree, and they asked if I could see them. Apparently, no one else notices them at all, which is a true disappointment. Like you, they also deserve better than what life has given to them.
They are so similar to you that it's terrifying. They have your smile, your laugh, your snarky comebacks. They wear the same baggy sweatshirt that you used to wear. If I wasn't sure that they are a different person- not a carbon copy of you, I would have asked them if they are you.
Thank God I haven't reached that point of insanity yet.
I'm trying to figure out when to tell you. I don't want you to freak out and leave me, but I don't want to keep on lying to you about who I am. I'm terrified that you're going to do something rash when I come out to you.
I really hope you don't.
I'm trying not to lose sight of the person that looks like you. Random people have been coming up to me, asking why I sit alone under your tree so often. When I asked my dorm-mate if they ever see the person pacing under your tree, they asked me if I've ever been diagnosed with visual and auditory hallucinations.
I really hope that I'm not hallucinating any of this. I don't think I'll be able to handle realizing that none of this is real.
I'm trying to figure out how to tell you.
Whenever I see you I become so happy that my mind blurs and I can't even imagine telling you that I'm the ghost of your dead girlfriend. I know that if I keep on procrastinating that it'll only get worse when I actually tell you, so that's why I've made up my mind. Today is the day that I'll tell you, if I can actually force the words out of my throat.
I'm trying to believe you. When I went to see the pacing person under your tree, they told me that not only are they a ghost- which I'm seriously trying to wrap my mind around without going mad- but that they are also you- my extremely, and completely, dead girlfriend.
How am I supposed to believe this… this nonsense? How am I supposed to keep on believing anything after hearing this ridiculous, but apparently true, news?
I don't know anymore.
I'm trying to get back to you. I somehow figured out how to leave the tree to find a portal to the Mortal World. It took what feels like eons on end to find it, but that doesn't matter anymore.
I'm back on your plane of existence after jumping through the portal, digging myself out of a moldy grave, and stealing clothes out of a local dry-cleaners so I'm not looking like I'm wearing a corpse-bride's costume.
As long as I can find you, then we can be together again, as long as you still want me. That's all that matters- that I can ask you if you'll take me back after breaking your heart not once, but twice.
I'm trying to figure out how to tie a noose. After weeks on end of going back to your tree and not finding you there, I've decided to take matters into my own hands, even if my decisions are idiotic and best and completely insane at worst. I've been thinking for a while that maybe, hopefully, if I'm in the land of the dead with you, that I can find you and be with you there. That's why I'm sitting here, in your tree, trying to gain the courage to end my life the way you ended yours.
I really hope this works.
I'm trying to get my dry throat to call out your name. I had a gut feeling that you'd be at my tree, so I started running that way. Now that I can see you in my tree, about to jump down to your own personal oblivion, I'm sprinting, crying, raspily calling out your name as I try to get your eyes off of the ground.
Why can't I yell louder?
Why can't I run faster?
Why won't you look at me?
I'm almost close enough to touch you when you close your eyes, sigh dramatically, and step off of the tree with a deafening SNAP.
I'm trying not to freak out. I'm standing- floating?- in front of my dangling body, my shocked face swinging back and forth. I hear the sound of something hitting damp grass behind me, and there you are. I reach out to touch you, hoping that I can hold your ghostly hand for the rest of my existence. Instead, my hand goes right through yours.
The only way this is possible is if you're alive- and that's not possibl-
I'm trying to not to pass out. I watched as your ghost fainted in front of me, vanish, and re-entered your body. Now you're gasping, dangling from the tree we both died in. I rush to you, push you back onto the branch, and stare in amazement as you struggle to take the noose off.
After you let the rope fall, I grin up at you. You grin back at me, sway a bit, and clumsily slip off the tree, falling onto your back. When you sit up, I throw my arms around you, burying my face in your neck.
"I'm so glad you're alive!"
"I'm glad you're alive too."