When I brush the bangs out of my eyes, I remember how you would run your hands through your hair.
(There's not a more beautiful sight.)
When I see my favourite colour, I see the shades of your hair: vibrant and lively, like paint on a canvas.
(The hues are forever ingrained in my memory.)
When I walk home late at night, the stars remind me of your wonder for the universe.
(Every inhale of the cold air does nothing to numb my heart to the longing.)
When I hear your name, I try not to flinch, even though it feels like a slap to the face.
(I always flinch.)
I find myself missing you in the mornings, as the first rays of the sun bleed through the cracks in my blinds, when I wake up from dreams that scream at me to chase after you.
(I never do.)
I find myself missing you in the afternoon, when I do something stupid that would've made you laugh.
(I wish you were here.)
I find myself missing you in the dark of night, unable to sleep without telling you goodnight.
(The air feels heavy, my blankets feel empty.)
I tell myself that you'll be fine without me, that you don't need me, that it's better this way.
(I believe this all to be true, but my point of view does not reflect reality. It is not enough to tell the full story.)
I tell myself that I gave you what you wanted, that I gave you the closure you needed, and that you don't need me.
(But what about me?)
I am not fine without you.
I still need you.
Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen, fifteen.
When you left the first time it took me days to get over it. Every day my chest ached and ached and ached and ached and every free moment was invaded by thoughts of you and all I could hear was the rush of dejected thoughts saying it's such a shame, it's such a goddamn shame and nothing would make it go away, nothing would stop the voices inside my head nor the pressure in my heart, my throat, my lungs. And then an old friend reappeared and their presence was enough to snap me out of it, to remind me that the world is not over and no matter my past I've always, always been strong enough to keep moving forward, to create my own future. I finally found my closure.
Sixteen, seventeen, eighteennineteentw-
But then you came back. You came back and ripped off my band-aids and made me realize how much you mean to me, and how much things have changed, and how things will never be the same, so what's the point of even being friends? What's the point when we both know that it's broken? When the time it will take to fix this will be too much for us to take, too long for me to wait? Is it not better to end things now?
So I walked away.
(You're just scared. You're just scared.)
I walked away because I didn't believe we could fix this,
I walked away because there's nothing you can do without hope,
I walked away because I thought that this relationship was done.
I walked away because I had no faith in us.
(The choices you make right now shape the present. The present molds the future. But the future's not guaranteed, is it? Who am I to say that this isn't going to work? If we both want it, what's going to stop us, who's going to stop us but ourselves?)
I don't know what I want. But if there's one thing that I do know, it's that I don't want you out of my life.
(It's not too late, is it? Tell me the truth.)
I still remember the sound of your voice.
(I wish I could hear you laugh again.)
I still remember your favourite things.
(I wish I could be one of them.)
I still remember every single thing you've told me.
(I wish more than anything to show you what life is worth.)
I still remember the tears in your eyes.
(I would give you the world if I could.)
I still remember how we met.
(Do you believe in coincidences?)
Zero.. negative one.
And every time I play this song, it reminds me of you. I play this song for you.
(My feelings bleed through to my fingertips, escaping into the air.)