You Can Taser Me Anytime
Renny Wyman was pounded out of his unconsciousness state from his latest drunken stupor by the continuous rapping on the apartment door. He found himself sprawled sideways across his unmade bed with graying sheets when he opened in his eyes in a confused moment of complete vacantness trying to figure out what in the hell was going on. He glanced at the clock radio and saw that it read 1:12 and it was only because it was light outside that he realized it was 1:12 in the afternoon.
"Quit the damn knocking!" Renny yelled as he stumbled out of the bedroom holding his head, not sure if he was still drunk or just horribly hung over. He was wearing boxer shorts and a white tee shirt with pizza stains on it.
Renny opened the door to the apartment and it took him a moment to recognize who was standing in front of him. "Bupe!?" He said with disbelief when he recognized his old friend.
Barbara "Bupe" Dupree was still as beautiful as ever, looking like she just stepped out of high school even though she was pushing forty. She was blessed with a well-structured pretty face, hazel eyes, and a charming smile. Her golden blond hair still sparkled. She was wearing khaki shorts and a yellow blouse.
"What in the hell are you doing here?" Renny asked with a squint.
"What in the hell happened to you?" Bupe replied as she pushed past her old friend and stepped into the messy apartment. "Why are you living in this dump for?"
"Things haven't been going so good lately," Renny groaned, closing the door and stepping into the room, rubbing his forehead in hopes of nursing his throbbing head.
"Yeah, yeah, I heard," Bupe replied.
"How'd you find me?" Renny wondered.
"Your mom," Bupe replied, clearing the pizza box and some newspapers from the couch to take a seat. "Why didn't you just move in with her?"
"I'm not going to go crawling home to my mother, Bupe," Renny growled. "I'm too old for that."
"Well, how's this working out for you?" Bupe asked sarcastically.
"I'm just going through a rough patch," Renny remarked.
Bupe picked up an empty beer can and tossed it across the room. "So I see."
Renny glanced around and realized how messy the dumpy run down cheap apartment looked. "Do you want a beer?" He asked.
"No," Bupe replied curtly. "Don't you think you've had enough?"
Renny sighed and collapsed into the couch beside her. "Probably too much," he admitted.
"So, you Tased some rich kid in the balls?" Bupe asked.
"I didn't mean to get him in the dink, but yeah," Renny sighed.
"And they fired you for that?"
"Forced early retirement," Renny clarified. "Lost twenty percent of my retirement pay. That and the divorce really knocked me on my ass. Plus nobody will hire me around here."
"She divorced you because of the Taser crap?"
"We were already on the rocks," Renny admitted. "That was the final straw."
"What happened with the kid?"
"He's some rich spoiled entitled brat from Sun Rise Lake School for Boys," Renny said. "I had a few run-ins with him prior to this. He was dating some chick from Hillsboro so he was in town a lot. I got him for speeding and driving after hours on a restricted license. He was a fuck head."
"That's why you Tased him in the balls?"
"I stopped him for having a tail light out," Renny explained. "He said I was harassing him and that I was abusing my power. He was belligerent and disrespectful and he wouldn't tone it down so I busted him for refusing to obey a police officer and resisting arrest. Then he got out of the car and became physically threatening not following my commands, I went to Taser him but he jumped just as I fired which is why I got him in the nuts."
"Nice shot," Bupe noted.
"Back up arrived and we took him to the hospital where they pulled a Taser prong from his groin area," Renny said. "Turns out he's the son of a Senator. The girl lied, backing up the kid's story saying that I was the one being rude, abusive, aggressive, loud, and vulgar so the Senator went after my badge."
"Don't you love politics?" Bupe grumbled.
Renny stared at her. "I haven't seen you in years, Bupe," he said. "What in the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm here to offer you a job," she replied.
"A job?" Renny said with surprise. "You're kidding."
"Did you know that I run the Tavern now?" She asked.
"Is this a handout?" Gibby frowned.
"You helped me out plenty of times, but no," Bupe insisted. "I really do need someone. What do you say?" She asked as she stood. "Do you want the job or what?"
Renny was suddenly embarrassed. Bupe and Renny both worked at her Dad's place (Gibby's Tavern) when they were kids, two diligent and dependable workers who started out as dishwashers but worked their way up to food prep, short order cooks, and wait staff but Renny went off to the police academy after two years of community college while Bupe stayed behind at the Tavern.
Now here was Renny – who had dreams of becoming the Hillsboro Chief of Police some day – a disgraced and fallen cop – being offered a life raft from his old friend.
"Sure, Bupe," Renny said, swallowing his pride as he stood, feeling like a fool standing there in his boxers. "I'll take the job. But I've been out of practice for a long time."
"It will come back to you," Bupe replied. 'But you can't be drinking," she warned sternly. "Even when you bartend."
"I know," he sighed. "I really appreciate this, Bupe," he added, feeling humbled but at the same time mortified.
"Don't worry about it," Bupe said. "Sorry you lost your job for Tasing the rich bastard in the balls but the little shit probably deserved it."
Renny shrugged, chagrined that one mistake deep-sixed his law enforcement career and soiled his reputation.
Bupe nodded and disappeared from the apartment, leaving Renny alone to realize how far he had fallen to be saved by his one-time secret crush. He glanced around his dump apartment and he determined that it was time to salvage his pathetic life. Drinking his way into oblivion was not the answer.