The highest dosage of Melatonin you're supposed to take at a time is 5mg. I just took 50.
Hopefully, it'll do what it was meant to.
I was driving home from my best friends house after picking her up from work. We got into the usual fight about college, about her opinions, and my opinions, and how she doesn't believe my statistics and how I want to correct her, even though I don't. I try not to, even though sometimes I want to strangle her because of it.
Anyway, I was driving home, and I started to cry. Maybe it was because I had a shit day, and I had to tell my new meds doctor about my previous suicide attempts. Maybe it was because I got accepted into the local University and I was given another chance I didn't want to take. Maybe it was because I had been suppressing my depression for weeks and I needed a way out through pills and bloodstained carpets.
I don't know. All I know is that I started feeling really suicidal all over again.
That's how I ended up here, sitting on my couch, watching "Wristcutters: A Love Story" and waiting for the Melatonin and my usual dose of 200mg of Serotonin to kick in.
It's been about ten minutes so far, and nothing has happened, which isn't surprising. It always takes a while for it to kick in. I'm kind of wishing that I took something stronger, something that could actually kill me if I took enough of it.
Why did I have to take the coward's way out? I took too much of something I know won't kill me, just like last time.
Maybe next time I'll actually try to kill myself properly.
I'm still waiting for something to happen. The movie is still funny, and still twisted, and still kind of fucked up, but I guess that's why I'm watching it again. Maybe that's why I relate so much to the dude looking for his girlfriend. Maybe that's why I didn't take something stronger- so I can continue to watch a movie that always talks me out of it.
I wish I didn't try to talk myself out of it.
I wish I had the balls to actually off myself properly.
Maybe next time I'll do it right, even though I highly doubt.
I bet I'll never be able to finish myself off the way my dad did.
I guess I'll find out later.