When you think that life is going just swell, like mine was, and then it hits you so hard. It is like two tons of negativity are squishing you. It is pure misery.

Well, I was sick for the last 4 days and I can hardly take it. Everything feels bleak. Even wonderful conversations seem distant because of this huge cloud over my head pouring rain.

God feels distant. The pain is so real. With every cramp is a negative, discouraging thought that tries to make me do something that I'd never do otherwise.

I know God is here. I wish He'd get rid of my symptoms quick. Maybe God wants me to be patient. I am not sure. Maybe my symptoms were exacerbated by a pathetic diet, I don't know.

Sometimes it gets to the point that looking for the positive things is a chore in itself. I have to strain at a gnat to find the positive things about stuff that I could find positive things everywhere before.

Giving it over to God is one thing. Feeling better is another. God knows that I am very fragile. The littlest things will make me feel hopeless. Using the restroom half the day will make me feel more than a little ugly inside, maybe because of shame.

I can't expect to feel better the instant I give it to God. It probably won't get rid of the feeling. I will still feel nasty, but it is of slight comfort that at least I admit my weakness to God.

Also, I am in a constant battle between keeping the good things and sabotaging them in the name of 'no self esteem.' Sabotaging relationships in the name of misery is no different than I taking a razor blade and slicing my skin open because I am miserable. It might temporarily validate my feeling of uselessness, but reality will dawn upon me and I'll go from feeling useless to feeling suicidal.

Depression is self-destructive. I am going to have to be praying constantly at every turn of the day, because with depression, I can make a choice I will regret for life. God help me please.