19th November, 2017
Hello. It's me.
I'd classify this as goodbye note, to leave you behind in my past, and to finally welcome a future ahead. After two and a half years, I'm finally embracing my own life, and coming to terms with what really happened to us.
I never thought I'd be the one writing this letter to you, given that you're my ex boyfriend. Yes. Speaking it out now, it makes everything seem more real, more cutting, and more loyal to the truth. Because you weren't mine, and after our brief tryst, you aren't meant to be mine. Harsh, right?
It took a little over two years, three cocktails and one pint of beer before I spilled your story in its rawest entirety to some trusted friends, and for them to slap me awake, saying that you were only finding an excuse to leave me. And I found it hard to accept it at that instant, with the alcohol messing with my brain, but I knew deep down that they were right. If you really were telling the truth, you would be fighting for your faith, you'd be fighting for me. You'd be fighting for us. But you didn't.
People do stupid things when they were in love, right? I did. I thought I was in love, and I tried fighting for you. Remember when I bought some old books from you, and we stayed and chatted for half an hour or so at King's Cross? It was a crowded Underground station, people would come and go and passing by us, making my rehearsed speech disappear completely into thin air. I wanted to tell you you're an idiot for letting me go, for thinking that there's no hope between us, for thinking that I'm so complacent in letting you go. And even though you told me that - only fools trip on what's behind them - which I wholeheartedly agree with, I can only say that, I was not ready to be in a relationship at that point.
Neither were you, Lucas.
I'm not writing this letter to reprimand you, because Lord knows that even though you did trample upon my heart, you're not a bad man. At least you tried sparing me of the truth. Maybe you broke up with me and then tried pursuing Irene, maybe you stayed alone long after that until you met your new girlfriend. That I would no longer know. Just know that - when I knew you had a new girlfriend (before I realised what you claimed as a factor in our break up, is in fact an excuse) I was genuinely happy for you. You could have someone share your ambitions with you, and support you along the way.
But it doesn't help shake the unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about your three consecutive degrees. First it was sociology, then law? Then was it education? After studying every degree, you'd tell me you feel disillusioned by the field you're involved in. Isn't this part of the harsh reality, where what we think is isn't the truth? Just as you thought you'd work in the government after a sociology degree, just as you thought you'd become a lawyer after studying law, or become a teacher after studying education. Where did all these dreams go? Where is the man that I fell in love with, and subsequently out of love with?
Where did Lucas go?
Or does it matter anymore?
I called this "breaking the wings". Now that I look back on it, it's better termed as "I didn't know how much potential my wings can bring me; I thought I had already reached my limit". Turns out I didn't realise my full potential, nor did I fully know myself until now.
I'm happy now. I found someone who wholeheartedly supports my dreams, who does not shoot me down when I want to start more initiatives. He knows that I promote these values and ideals because of what tortured me in the past: bullying, suicide, depression; yes, he knows that these initiatives are guilt-driven. But he talks to me, he has invaded my heart and there's no turning back. I can wholeheartedly tell him everything in my life, what happened to me in the past, what still hurts me now and what I want to be in the future.
I have never trusted someone so much in my life before.
I remember, Johanna asked me both times what I like about my boyfriends: you and Lucian. I couldn't answer why I liked you in the first place: I went silent. Then my quiet response was: he understands me.
What I felt towards you cannot be compared - or multiplied - to match what I feel for Lucian. I love how possessive he is, how he makes sure I eat well and sleep well despite my constant struggle with stress and depression (and sometimes insomnia). He coaxes my past distress from me, refines it, and explains everything to me again when I've been so used to suppressing my feelings and emotions from my own family - and to a certain extent, my friends and essentially everyone else.
Lucas, let this be a letter to you, to let you know that I'm doing well. I'm not only surviving; I'm thriving. Despite it only being two months since we started dating, this time I am ready to learn from what my past taught me, and make sure to not make the same mistake in the future.
And I hope that, no matter what your career direction is now, no matter how you are doing now, I hope you will find happiness some day. I hope you'll be able to find your own path soon, and finally start living your life despite being so scared of uncertainties (one prime example was how you left me behind when you couldn't handle the uncertain future in our relationship, hence the breakdown). I hope the best for you, truly. You helped shape the present me, I'm grateful; even though this is coming to an end, I wish the best for you.
Some day, maybe when we meet again, we can part as peaceful acquaintances instead of forged strangers.
This idea came up out of nowhere, when I was completing an assignment on the meaning of life and how it reflects onto your future and your career. I've wanted to tell Lucas something recently, but couldn't quite get my head wrapped around this idea. Then I remembered fanfiction, which prompted me to click onto fictionpress, and this letter is born in... twenty minutes. Not proofread, not spell-checked (except for google chrome default function...)
Finally, this is the end of this story between us. Nobody broke any wings; we just weren't meant to fly together and soar in the sky.
I'm finally coming to terms with it.
There's a very kind review to the past two installments, saying this must've been a cathartic journey for me to write this out. I must admit, it was. It helped me heal from the break (it's extra hard when I have trust issues to begin with, imagine closing your heart up completely after you let someone in), and look forward to the future. Now that I'm finally explaining - albeit unilaterally - what happened between us, I'm ready to put a fullstop to our story.
And I hope that, to all beautiful souls out there, this might help you recover from unexpected relationship breaks too.