He doesn't like small talk or forced conversation.
If there's nothing to say he rather just hold me tight and kiss me out of the blue. He's not rough, but he's not gentle either. He tastes like honey and smells like a faintly remembered dream. I want him to love me, but I can only be so greedy at once. I'll never know what I am to him, because it's something we never talk about. Though when we're alone I feel like we're one in the same.
Sometimes we talk about the things on our mind. I tell him about when I ran away from home and never looked back. He shows me every scar his father ever left on him. We bond over the terrible things that we can never change. I feel him absorb some of my pain and I absorb his own.
When he's close by the raging war in my head seems to calm. I've never felt more at peace than when my heads laid on his chest. He doesn't like the smell of smoke, but he always lights a cigarette at noon. He breathes it in only a few times before putting it out.
Sometimes we lay together saying not a thing at all, bare skin touching as are eyes stare at the empty walls. I've never felt so satisfied with doing nothing at all.
We waste time for all it's worth. We spiral down a path leading to where we don't know. He gets jealous when he sees me talking to other guys even though he knows he's the only one in my eyes. He'll wrap his arm around other girls just to piss me off. It becomes a game to see who's the worst of them all. I always win because he's the first to drag me away form the crowd and press my back up against a wall.
When I step out of place he'll remind just who I am. My colors are fiery reds and oranges his are depressing blues and grays. We mix together to create colors we could never be on our own. But what happens when our sins bleed in and the only color our combined hearts turn is black as tar?
I'd give everything to stay with him my whole life, but I know it's not something I can wish for. One day he'll leave. Or maybe I'll be the one to walk away first. We'll become a terrible memory. The thought makes my heart both beat fast and ache painfully. For now we continue down this unclear road towards an end we can't see.
He'll snort white until he becomes someone else. I'll drink until I forget our pain for us. We'll fight violently, but love passionately. Every day is different from the last as we cling onto a heaven that's not meant to exist. I'll never admit that he gave me these bruises on my wrists. When they ask about his swollen lip he won't stay a word neither. He'll cut me open with his words and leave me to bleed out against the floor. If he gives me the chance I'll shatter him to pieces around my feet.
We continue on as if this is something we want. When really this is as far from anything I've ever thought.
Our friends will say we're no good for each other.
He'll try to stay away and I'll try to stop drinking so much.
In the end we still crash together when ever we feel lonely.
Late night visits with lines of cocaine and bottles of hard liquor.
We'll promise to be better tomorrow. Tomorrow will never come, because it'll all just happen the same again. It's a vicious circle of promises that only turn to lies.
He'll leave when he wants to think that he doesn't need me. I'll cry and hurt myself when I think of just who might be seeing.
On the bad days when we see each other around his eyes will show no emotion and my fists will clench. He'll text me several times over with a mix of sweet and cruel words.
When we're together we'll try to forget how much we hurt each other on a daily basis. He'll hold me close as he tells me I'm the only one who means a damn thing to him. I'll kiss him slowly as I pretend to believe every thing his lying mouth says. He says he wants to tie me down and never let me leave. I'll tell him that I hate that he always smells like a different woman every time that we meet. He'll laugh as if it's a joke and say how he hopes to hell I learn to keep my mouth shut
I hold onto the hope that things will change. That it'll get better some day. I trust empty promises and fantasied "what ifs". I'll believe in a future for us that just can't be real.
He's just as unsure as I feel.
I fear him. I believe in him.
I want to leave him. I want to be with him forever
He is the worst thing to ever happen to me. He's the best thing I have.
I hate him. I love him.
My mind is so fucked up. All I think about is him and this poisonous spell he has me under. He's everything I don't want, but at the same time it makes me want him even more.
It's a deadly dance as we step on each others toes. He'll grab me by the hair and call me a whore when he's upset, but when it suits him he'll grab my waist and tell me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.
He makes me sick. Yet I love it.
Maybe he's not the sick one. Maybe it's me.
One day we'll be over. One day one of us will leave. It might be a good thing. It might be for the best.
Still, my chest hurts just thinking about the inevitable.
Without him I hear I'll never be whole again since I've warped into something I never was just because.
I wonder if he'll be just fine without me?
But for now I'll take comfort in this hell we create for ourselves.
Is it okay to pretend like we're in love? Just for a little longer.
Just a little longer please...