I've never been great at letting things go that I can't control. Furthermore, I've never been good at letting things go. So I guess it's only natural that I'm having trouble with this. Forced closure: trying to shut the door on a matter, for my benefit, when I am not ready to let go yet.

I can suppose that I would have an easier time if I wasn't around every reminder of you and immersed in it. If I could shut it away, cleanse everything and pretend that this isn't happening, maybe I would be handling this better. However, I don't have much choice in that matter. So I have to put on a brave face and keep going, when there's an internal storm of emotions whirling around inside.

I hope that you don't feel that I say this because I want to guilt you. That is not my intention. You owe me nothing and it was never your job to make me happy. Despite the jealousy and the rage and the blinding desire to hate you, I can't bring myself to. I'm truly glad you're happy. I want you to have the opportunities to have good things in your life. It's just that for so long, all I wanted was to be included in that. Now I'm having problems adjusting the idea that I never got that chance.

The purpose of this confession however is still selfish in nature. I want the pain to stop. I want to give it up. I just have no idea how to do it. God knows I've tried and I keep coming up short in how to relieve this. In a last ditch effort on the eve of your wedding, maybe typing words and stating it will be a beneficial catharsis.

I love everything that you are and what you stand for. I love how you get riled up about things. I love how you are able to simply point out the truth unabashedly with no fear of being contradicted. I love that confidence and self-assuredness. I love your integrity and honor. This admiration has never waivered. You are so unique. You have been the only person to make me feel so alive and inspired and hopeful like that.

For the past eight years, I have thought often about you. I have been afraid for you, I have been cared for you, I have been sad and disappointed for you, I have been glad for you. I can't imagine that that will change anytime soon.

Because I love you, I have accept this idea that this won't change. I have to accept that you and I aren't going to have that shot. I'm not in the least bit okay with it. Please know you are precious to me. And while it kills me, you deserve this chance.

With all my heart,

You know who