Chapter 10: "The Last Laugh"

At a stop light on the way to the 20-year class reunion, Lynette took her hands off the steering wheel and turned toward me.

"Have you gotten used to me being skinny again?"

"You've been skinny for about five years now. Of course."

"Do you miss the old fat me?"

"When we're having sex I do. I have friction burns all over my stomach all the time."

Lynette burst out laughing.

"Well, you're stuck with the skinny me. My doctor says I have to stay skinny to stay healthy. I'm afraid of needles for injecting insulin and I'm afraid of blood pressure medicine."

The light finally changed and she drove on to the hotel where the reunion was being held. She parked the car and we both hesitated. Neither of us wanted to open the car doors.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked.

"I'm sure," said Lynette. "Just let me gather my nerve."

"I don't remember you ever lacking nerve."

"I'm about to go in there and do something I've never done before: be deliberately mean and nasty to a bunch of people. I've never been a bully. I've never been deliberately cruel. And now I'm about to be deliberately cruel to a bunch of people."

"You are about to be deliberately cruel to a bunch of people who deserve the cruelty. They deserve it. They've been dishing it out their whole lives. They need to find out what it's like to be on the receiving end."

Lynette took a deep breath and opened the car door. We had parked at the last space in the front row near the entrance. It was poorly lit there. We deliberately left both the driver's door and the passenger front door unlocked because we knew that we would be making a hasty exit. Both of us had brought car keys. We had agreed in advance that Lynette was the preferred getaway driver as she was the better of us two behind the wheel of a car. We headed down the sidewalk and pressed open the front doors to the reception room.

We signed in at the reception, picked up our name tags, and as soon as we passed into the hallway into the reunion room, we crumpled up our nametags and tossed them into a trash can. We reached the door.

"Are you ready?" I asked Lynette.

"I'm ready," she replied.

We walked in and Lynette spotted her first target: a table full of the high school's Princesses. They were all sitting by themselves with their husbands apparently hanging around the bar. Lynette walked up to the table.

"Well, well. All the high school's Princesses all sitting at one table. Just like lunch in the old days. You were all too cool to sit with anyone else. My, my. Tsk, tsk. What has happened to all of you? You've all swelled up into fat, ugly pigs. What a waste of makeup!"

Lynette headed on to her next target and I made pig snorting sounds as I walked by. Behind my back I heard one woman burst into tears as the rest tried to figure out who had just insulted them. After a few more steps I heard one nearly explode.

"Holy fuck! That was Lynette! She's skinny again!"

Another table with women that Lynette remembered laughing at her. A few had husbands sitting with them. I decided that the husbands were too fat and out of shape to pose any threat to Lynette.

"Well, well. Enjoying our food, are we? Stuffing your faces like you haven't eaten in a week. None of you looks deprived to me. You all look like you could go at least a year without eating and still not starve to death. Why do you all even bother with makeup? You think that's going to hide your fat piggy faces?"

Lynette scooted on. None of the husbands showed the slightest indication of leaping to the wife's defense. They all looked totally beaten down to me. If anything, I think I detected smirks on some of the husbands' faces. Definitely not a bunch of happy couples.

Lynette hesitated at a table with the former head cheerleader and her geek math genius husband. They were still together. The head cheerleader had been a bit chubby in high school, but she had had a spectacular hourglass figure. She was full-blown chubby now, but still quite attractive. Lynette walked by her table without a word.

"Head cheerleader get a pass because she married a geek," whispered Lynette in my ear. "That makes her an honorary geek."

"She looks a little too good to insult," I whispered back. "She's in better shape than most of her classmates."

"Holy crap!" whispered Lynette. "Look three tables toward your left. Our last target."

I looked and wished I hadn't. I almost didn't recognize her. The class homecoming queen. Holy crap! Lynette had said that she was one of those who had laughed the loudest at her. Sweet fucking karma revenge! She must surely have had some medical condition.

"Holy fucking shit! The homecoming queen! What happened to you? I'm amazed you can even walk. Do you, like, weigh 600 pounds? How can anybody get that fat? You are disgusting! Fat, hideous, and disgusting! What a blimp!"

The blimp burst into tears right in front of us. I'm amazed she showed her face at the reunion.

Lynette grabbed my sleeve and pointed to someone looking angry and serious on a cell phone. "He's calling hotel security," she whispered. "Let's get out of here." We walked briskly toward the room entrance, right on through, and down the hallway. As we entered the reception area, we saw two hotel security guards hustling toward the hallway to the reunion. We kept right on walking and out the door into the parking lot. Lynette had her keys out and I headed straight for the passenger door.

We were both grateful that we had had the foresight not to lock the doors. Nobody would have stolen our battered 1976 Mercury Comet. I am happy to report that no cops ever showed up to question us about our brief appearance at the twenty-year reunion. In America, you don't have to do anything illegal to get arrested. All you have to do is piss off somebody who is wealthy.

Lynette carefully backed out of the hotel parking lot and suggested stopping at the Wal-Mart on the way home.

"What do we need there?" I asked.

"Burn cream. Skinny people sex sucks. We're going to have to start lathering each other up with burn cream before we fuck each other's brains out. I have chafing all over my stomach."

I laughed. Stuff like this reminded me of why I loved this girl so much. She had personality. More personality than all those people at the reunion combined. We did just as she suggested when we got home. We lathered each other up with burn cream and fucked each other's brains out until the sun rose on a Sunday morning.

The End