Note: I fought an uphill battle against fictionpress to get the formatting to be anything aside from total garbage and I'm pretty sure I still lost, so check out this on ao3 for a version that won't hurt your eyes. That version also makes it clear when things are supposed to be emails, since you can actually use the at symbol over there.


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Sooooo?

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

You're missing a noun, adjective or adverb to tell me what the question even is.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

YOUR DATE YOU DUMB JERK

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

That still isn't a question.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Ugh why am I still friends with you, you pedantic jackass. That juice box in kindergarten was not worth all the shit I put up with.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Pedantic? Looks like someone is pulling out the big words today.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Tell me how your date was you awful human being or I will prank you so hard your head will spin.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

I'd rather shove an icepick through my eye than ever have to sit through another date with your boyfriend's friend.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Oh, so in Tommy-speak: you have a fantastic time and want to blow him. I'll give him your email address, since you've been complaining about me and Kris and Irina filling up your answering machine.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

DO NOT

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Too late! XOXO

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

You're right, that juice box was not worth all the pain you've brought into my life

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Oh lighten up, buttercup. You deserve to be happy, so stop being a whiney ass, this will be good for you even if you don't end up dating him!

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

I'm going to shove an icepick through YOUR eye


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Regarding the events of Thursday evening

So Erik's boyfriend said you wanted to go on a second date with me and gave me your email address. I am very surprised as I believe you said you'd "rather stab [me] with a rusty fork" than go on another date, so I was curious enough to ask what would possess you to change your mind about someone you described as "look[ing] like the back end of a horse".

I mean, I have zero interest in going out with you ever again, you violent, crazed maniac, but I simply had to hear your response.

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: sure you did

I think you'll find I said I'd rather fuck a rusty fork, but I'd be happy to stab you with one any time, asshole.

And I'm pretty sure you only emailed me because Tommy (who has a name, dipshit) said Kris was with you and saw my email and he, going by the conversation I just had with him, somehow thinks the date wasn't the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the planet.

So sure, keep talking about your hamartial curiosity, I'll just be here laughing my ass off at your hipster pretension


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Hey hey hey I just found out Kris and I broke a new record

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

In being the most disgusting couple in the history of romance? Because I hate to tell you but that's old news, you could feel the repressed sexual tension from across campus the moment you implied he was a prostitute

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

UUUUUUUGH. Why are we friends?

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

No you big dumb jerk, apparently we've broken the record of the number of PDA tickets given to a single couple by campus security! Go us, we're winners! Too bad you don't get a free ice cream every ten visits like at Anton's Pub.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

THAT ISN'T AN ACHIEVEMENT YOU IDIOT

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

You're just jealous you don't have anyone to get caught doing PDA with!

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

No I just don't enjoy having to listen to some sweaty mall cop lecture me on not making out in public places

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

please like we were only making out ;D

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

UGH NO STOP

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

lol jk besides it's not like they really do anything, they don't fine you or arrest you or anything since they aren't the actual police, so you just go on your merry way and continue to make out on top of the observatory once Mr. Mall Cop goes away

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Why the fuck would you make out on top of the observatory when you BOTH have apartments you can use?

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

That's not even the weirdest place we've found, but thanks that's an excellent idea I'm going to go do that XO

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

STOP THAT I ALREADY KNOW MORE ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE THAN I WANT TO GOD


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: I think you'll find hamartial isn't a word, dear

There is no content in this email!

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Fuck you

There is no content in this email!


"Hi! You've reached Irina Ivanov's message machine! I'm not home right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you ASAP!"

"You have one new message-

"First new message received on October 20th at three thirty-four PM- Hi Irina, it's Tommy, I have a small favour to ask you, and you'll even like it.

"Please kick your brother for me. Preferably very hard and somewhere it will hurt a great deal. Maybe even put on some pointy shoes first. He deserves it. More than usual. He won't stop sending me snapchat photos of him and his masochistic boyfriend making out all over campus and my phone won't let me ignore them and won't stop dinging until I open them.

"So, for the love of my sanity, please kick him until he stops it, there isn't enough brain bleach in the world."


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Dimitri Ivanov (divanonv-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Check out this super cool photo!

Seriously look at it!

Attachment: amazing-jpg

To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanonv-at-uofc-ca)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: re: Check out this super cool photo!

WHEN I TOLD YOUR SISTER TO MAKE YOU STOP SENDING ME SNAPCHAT PHOTOS OF YOUR SLOPPY MAKEOUTS I DIDN'T MEAN EMAIL THEM TO ME INSTEAD

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: none

Irina. I have a complaint to lodge.

To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Re: none

Look pal, I'm not a miracle worker, at least he isn't blowing up your phone now?

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Re: Re: none

THIS IS WORSE I OPENED THAT ONE AT WORK THINKING IT WAS ANOTHER STUPID MEME PICTURE HE WAS GOING TO PESTER ME WITH UNTIL I LOOKED AT

To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: winky face

What a dirty boy, looking at porn at work. Go make out with Erik if you're that frustrated

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: you stop that

I will murder you. Don't think I won't. I have not, nor will I ever, make out with that pompous jackass. I'd rather make out with you than put my lips anywhere near his.

To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: none

I'd like that sweater I loaned you back, by the way. Provided you've laundered it. Alternatively, you may provide a replacement sweater along with compensation for mental anguish. What in god's name did those geese have against you?

To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: no u

Why Mr. D'Angelo are you propositioning me? Excuse me while I swoon on my fainting couch and apply some chapstick

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Re: none

NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Re: none

oh goddamnit


To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Please kick your sister for me, really really hard. Also stop sending me pictures of you making out with Erik, it's gross

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Okay sure, but why? Also no ;)


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Re: Re: none

I seriously begin to suspect you are from an alien culture. In what way was my asking for the return of my clothing a proposition?

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: go fuck yourself

I'm keeping that sweater as compensation for my mental anguish after spending multiple hours in your presence.


To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Okay seriously what is with the locations you're picking, that one looked dangerous. Also STOP SENDING ME SNAPCHATS OF YOU KISSING YOUR BOYFRIEND

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

We wanted to reenact Spider-man! Only then I nearly fell, so we had to make do.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say and that's impressive with how much competition there is with other stupid things you've said

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

You're just jealous YOU don't get to be spider-man!

From: Tommy

To: Dimi

YOU WEREN'T EVEN SPIDER-MAN, YOU WERE MJ


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Try removing that stick out of your ass first

Do you have any idea how expensive that sweater is? I want it back by noon tomorrow or else.


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

IT WAS ROMANTIC AND HOT YOU JERK

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Out of morbid curiosity, how exactly is dangling upside down for a kiss in anyway hot? Aside from your face getting warm from the head rush

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

You seriously have no idea the sort of ab strength it takes to hold that position


To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: yeah nope I'm keeping it

This email has no content!


To: Dimi

From: Tommy

That is completely stupid. Also can't be that hard.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Dare you to try it

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

That isn't going to worK

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

I DOUBLE dare you to do it

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Seriously. It isn't going to work. Stop it.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

I TRIPLE DARE YOU TOMMY

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

That isn't even a thing!

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Pft, yeah okay, I kida figured you were too much of a big giant baby to try something that DAAANGEROUS

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Oh goddamnit.


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Seriously?

I swear to god if you are childish enough for me to get a lawyer involved over a sweater that is MINE...

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: You'd actually sue someone over a sweater? WOW this is my impressed face

So I have a counter proposal for you regarding your sweater. Meet me at the location on the map at 1:30 tomorrow to discuss.

Attachment: Map1-jpg

To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: It's a really nice sweater, and you wouldn't have stolen it if you didn't think so too

Do I want to know why we're meeting at a construction site? Are we burying a dead body?

To: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: I just know it cost a fortune, who the hell even wears an expensive sweater to a pub?

No and no.


"This is Tommy D'Angelo's apartment, yes Dimitri and Kris are still banned. Everyone else, you know the drill-

"You have two new messages-

"First new message received on October 27th at ten oh two AM- Hello Mr. D'Angelo, its Shanti Patel from Student Services. Your supervisor told me this morning that you were injured and had to visit the hospital last night and couldn't come in for your shift today? I hope it isn't anything serious, but please feel free to take as much time off as you need, we like our peer educators in their best condition."

"Second new message received on October 27th at twelve thirteen PM- Tommy, its Irina and OH MY GOD YOU DID IT. I AM SO PROUD. AND HORRIFIED. BUT ALSO PROUD."

"Irina, who are you on the phone with? And yelling at? I'm right here, so it isn't me..."

"Tommy's answering machine, he's still not mastered the whole actually picking up the phone thing yet."

"Why?"

"Why doesn't he know how to answer a phone or- wait, Dimi, you haven't seen the picture yet? Check your snapchat! He accidentally sent it to his whole contact list, but it was meant for you! The caption said 'Take that Di'"

"What capti- OH MY GOD! Irina give me the phone!"

"What no! I'm talking to Tommy, you make your own call-"


To: Kris

From: Erik

I need your boyfriend's asshole friend's number

To: Erik

From: Kris

You do realize they both have names, correct? Also, what for? I thought your date was "an exercise in pain never seen on the planet outside botched genital piercing".

To: Kris

From: Erik

Yes but this is more fun. And no, that date was the worst thing I've ever experienced. And I need his number because he's taking too long to reply to my last email

To: Erik

From: Kris

Okay, I'm just going to pretend that makes sense. How did you even manage lose it? Here

Attachment: Contact: Tommy D'Angelo


To: Tommy

From: Erik

You do realize you never gave me back my sweater, right?

To: Erik

From: Tommy

No, I tried to, but you were a little distracted

To: Tommy

From Erik

I think you'll find that you were the one who was distracted

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Yeah, by how awful of a kisser you are. Seriously, did no one ever tell you the objective isn't to actually shove your tongue down your partner's throat?


"Hi! You've reached Dimitri Ivanov's mailbox! I'm probably too busy making out with my amazing boyfriend Kris, so leave a message and I'll try to get back to you when we resurface. Eventually."

"You have one new message-

"First new message received on October 25th at nine fifty seven PM- Dimi, it's Tommy. Seriously. Stop. Leaving. Me. Messages. Didn't I already ban you from using my message machine ever again? And now you've left me ten. No matter how many messages about that photo you leave me, I'm not going to tell you anything about it aside from the fact that it was- it was...

"Ahem.

"It was terrible. I fell off construction equipment and had to go to the hospital to get stitches. Because of how terrible it was. There. That's all you need to know."


To: Tommy

From: Erik

Like you didn't like it

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Like YOU didn't like it

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Please, you were the one who fell off the construction equipment. I win.


To: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Still winning

Hey buddy I heard you got stitches, so here's a picture of where you should do your next one, just be safe! No scarring any children for life! Or getting actual arrested!

Attachment: pharmacy-jpg

To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: no you aren't, losers never win

A picture of a pharmacy. Real cute, buddy. Here's where you should do your next photo.

Attachment: trashcan-jpg


To: Dimi

From: Tommy

THAT WASN'T A SUGGESTION

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Everything is a suggestion! Your move! ;)

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

NO


To: Erik

From: Tommy

We aren't letting this jackass win this thing

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Obviously not. Erik won't stop bragging. Where do you suggest?


To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca) , Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: okay you guys can stop it now

Seriously. It's not funny it's just embarrassing for everyone involved now. Dimi, you have enough PDA tickets to wallpaper our bathroom. An old lady stopped me in the grocery store to tell me about that thing in the bottle depot. I can never go into that depot ever again now that it's been defiled. Did you want me to stop recycling? Is that what this is about? Trying to make me stop protecting the environment? For shame you two, for shame.

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Did you seriously email your brother when you share an apartment?

Dimi started it. Make him stop first, I'm winning right now.

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca)

Subject: Did you actually just email me from the living room?

No way! I mean if we keep this up for a few more days Erik and Tommy might actually admit to liking each other and that they aren't making out all over town just because I triple dared Tommy to do it.

To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadov-at-mail2mail-ca)

Subject: I tried yelling earlier but you wouldn't come out here and I wasn't about to get off the couch

You devious little devil. I approve.

Also, triple dare isn't even a thing.


To: Kris, Erik, Tommy

From: Dimi

First one to get a pic on top of that hideous modern art statue in Queen's park gets double points

To: Dimi, Erik, Tommy

From: Kris

We were actually keeping track of points? I thought you were joking before with that whiteboard.

To: Kris, Erik, Tommy

From: Dimi

It's like you don't even know me at all! Of COURSE I'm keeping track of points!

To: Kris, Dimi

From: Tommy

We win

Attachment: suckers-jpg


"This is Tommy D'Angelo's apartment and I definitely know how to answer a telephone I just happen to have a full time job and actually take my classes seriously unlike some people, yadda yadda you can figure out what to do after the tone."

"You have two new messages-

"First new message received on October twenty seventh at two thirty four PM- Hey Tommy, it's Dimi. I just wanted to let you know that Zack's having a Halloween party this year after all. It's at the same spooky mansion house thing as every other year, seriously don't get why his family even owns it but it's super convenient for Halloween! Zack said to 'bring the boyfriend you've been making out with all over snapchat with'!"

"Second new message received on October twenty seventh at two thirty seven PM- Dimi again, just wanted to remind you that since this is a COSTUME party you're going to have to wear a COSTUME, okay? And wearing a t-shirt that says 'this is my costume' doesn't count. It stopped being funny the first two times you did that. Where did you even get those shirts?

"Seriously though, costume or GTFO and forfeit the photo game."


To: Dimi, Tommy, Erik

From: Kris

So if we do couples costumes, does that also count as double points?

To: Dimi, Erik, Kris

From: Tommy

No it's triple points, but only for me since you're a) making me wear a costume and b) making me wear a costume in public and c) making me do something as revoltingly cutesy as wearing a couples costume

To: Dimi, Kris, Tommy

From: Erik

No it's 'buy Erik two shots apiece' since you're making me be seen in public with all of you

To: Erik

From: Tommy

It's a house party moron. Therefore BYOB. Where precisely is anyone going to buy you shots, at the bar that does not exist at the house we are going to? Also if you pick anything horrific for our costumes I will put your sweater through the garbage disposal.

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Oh my, you're actually allowing me to pick our costumes? I thought your obsessive compulsive need to control everything wouldn't allow another person to dictate what you wear in public.

And don't you dare, my mother bought me that sweater. On that note, return it immediately.

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Funny, I thought the same about you.

And oooh poor baby, just ask your rich mummy to buy you another one, I'm keeping this one.

To: Tommy

From: Erik

She's dead you insensitive bastard.


"Hi hi! You've reached Dimitri Ivanov's inbox who is the BIGGEST WINNER EVER don't listen to Tommy, when it comes to obnoxious PDA, I'm the winner! Leave me a message after the tone!"

"You have three new messages-

"First new message received on October 28th at eight twenty nine PM- Fffffuck, I fucked up Dimi. It's Tommy. I'm just going to crawl into a wine bottle and die, okay? Well, a second one. This one's empty. Please send Irina to kick me with her pointy shoes, I deserve it."

"Second new message received on October 28th at eight fifty two PM- Like I'm just the worst possible human being ever, you know? I mean there's no other explanation for why people always leave me... Dan, Jackie, Irving...

"His mom is dead and I stole his sweater so of course he won't like me. But his hair is just so nice, you know? It's all fluffy. I want to pet it. Why isn't Erik here? I hate being alone. Please pick up, Dimi..."

"Third new message received on October 28th at nine nineteen PM- I just always screw up, don't I? That's why this always happens? Like I do it on purpose or something, I meet someone I like and say something stupid and then just have to keep saying stupid things because I did before and can't go back and...

"What was I saying? Dimi why aren't you answering your phone? You always make fun of me for not answering but now you aren't either...

"Everyone keeps calling him my boyfriend, but he isn't actually my boyfriend. We only went on the worst first date ever. Did I tell you about the thing with the marching band? The entire band. It was the worst date ever. But I still want him to be my boyfriend anyways. Not like as a joke like everyone keeps saying but like actual... actual holding hands and calling each other muffin and not just kissing for snapchat in pharmacies or duck ponds.

"But he hates me. They always do. Cause I deserve it. I'm sleepy now though. G'night Dimi."


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Fuck, sorry my phone died and I didn't notice until this morning. I got your messages, why didn't you call Irina's number? Or email me? You know I'm always there for you, man. Are you feeling okay? Aside from hungover?

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

I'm fine.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

I didn't mean any of whatever I said last night. Just delete those messages.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Oh, Tommy...


To: Tommy

From: Erik

So I presume you were serious about letting me pick the costumes? Because I may have the perfect thing lined up.

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Yeah sure whatever.


To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca) , Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca), Erik Swan erikis , Kris Oliver (koliver2-at-uofc-ca)

From: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: A little bird told me

So I hear there is a costume contest going down tomorrow, huh? Well I officially elect myself as the judge. Get cracking boys, there can only be one winner! Er, one pair of winners!

To: Irina Ivanov (irinadove-at-mail2mail-com), Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca) , Kris Oliver(koliver2-at-uofc-ca), Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca)

From: Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Re: A little bird told me

Well that's hardly fair, obviously you're going to vote for Dimitri. I demand fair and unbiased judging of this ridiculous affair.

To: Dimitri Ivanov (divanov-at-uofc-ca) , Kris Oliver (koliver2-at-uofc-ca), Tommy D'Angelo (tdangelo-at-uofc-ca), Erik Swan (erikis-at-mail2mail-com)

From: Irina Ivanov(irinadove-at-mail2mail-com)

Subject: Re: Re: A little bird told me

I think you overestimate my desire for my own blood to lose comprehensively, but alright fine. How about I judge, Zack judges since it's his party and he likes Tommy better, and then we pick some random third person for tie breaker if necessary?


To: Tommy

From: Erik

Alright you little stormcloud, what did I do to piss you off? You've been extra prickly towards me for the last two days.

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Nothing.

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Well then, with that all my doubts have completely been assuaged. Come on, fess up. What's wrong?

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Where's this mythical costume that you claim is going to put Dimi's to shame? I mean he's obviously going to choose Batman and Robin because he's predictable, so pretty much anything could put him to shame but it's the principle of the thing. If we're going this, we are going to go all out.

To: Tommy

From: Erik

What masterful changing the subject, I bet there are a couple blind people in China that didn't notice you dodging the question. But if that's how you want to play it, fine I just emailed you a photo. Obviously I get to wear the black one, because it will go with my complexion and my sweater once you return it to its rightful owner.


To: Tommy, Kris, Erik

From: Dimi

So whoever wins the costume contest wins the whole thing, okay? Zack and Joe and Irina are threatening to throw me into the duck pond every time I open snapchat. Or to start a pranking war again but only against me. I can't handle going through that again so soon! So yeah, double or nothing guys!


"This is Tommy D'Angelo's phone. Dimi put down the phone and don't you dare leave a message. Everyone else, you can figure it out."

"You have one new message-

"First new message received on October thirty first at nine fifty eight PM- Toooooooommy! It's Dimi, where are you? I've been here for ages with Kris and we are going to kill it with this contest, but we can't if we can't find our competition, so get your ass- oh there you are!

"What- YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THE PRINCESS BRIDE.

"That is what I call cheating! You cheater! You know Irina AND Zack love Princess Buttercup and Westley. How dare you! Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on that shitty ass blond wig you're wearing!

"Dimitri! There you are! We've been looking for you for ages! Where have you been?!"

"I was looking for that cheating jerk!"

"It's not cheating, just using my resources wisely- are you on the phone? I swear to god if you're leaving another message on my-"

"Of course not, best friend, I would never-"


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

So that was one hell of a kiss Erik laid on you after you were declared the winners (you cheating jerks). Are you sure he hates you? That didn't look like a hateful tongue he was sticking in your mouth ;)

Also where did you go so quickly after that? Did you have to puke? Because I'm pretty sure you didn't have that much to drink, but if you need to go home now, Irina's the designated driver tonight


To: Tommy

From: Erik

What did I do wrong?


To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Was it so hot you had to go have a little special alone time right away? Because you could have just brought Erik with you to speed things up there you know.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Okay no more jokes now, actually serious where are you? It's been twenty minutes. No one knows where you went and I'm getting worried

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

Upstairs bathroom.

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Are you okay? Did you get sick? Why won't you open up the door?

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

I'm fine

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

I can tell that by the way we're texting on opposite sides of the bathroom door, buddy

To: Tommy

From: Dimi

Come on, just tell me what's wrong.

To: Dimi

From: Tommy

It made me feel happy. That kiss. I never deserve to feel happy. It never lasts.


To: Erik

From: Dimi

Get your ass up here or I will make you regret it.


To: Tommy

From: Erik

I'm outside the bathroom, as you clearly know since I've been banging on the door for five minutes. Come out so we can talk.

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Quit being such a child and talk to me

To: Tommy

From: Erik

Fine, if that's how it's going to go then I'm going to go find Dimitri for you.

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Wait don't go

To: Erik

From: Tommy

Actually, whatever it's fine. Go.


"This is Tommy D'Angelo's phone. Dimi put down the phone and don't you dare leave a message. Everyone else, you can figure it out."

"You have two new voice message-

"First new message received on October thirty first at eleven seventeen PM- Okay Tommy I don't know what the hell your deal is, but I never seem to with you, so that's nothing new. I don't know why I like your stupid, contrary ass so much. But I do. I like you even though sometimes I want to push you into that duck pond we made out in because your friend triple dared you- which I hope you realize isn't even a thing-

"But the thing is, I didn't make out with you in that godforsaken pond because I wanted to one up our friends.

"Well okay maybe I did a little. But I also did it because I like you. I mean I enjoy kissing you. But as a person, I like you a lot. I like how prickly you can be to strangers but how protective you are of your friends. I like how much you pretend not to give shit about anything or anyone but actually care enough about them to know what precise costume they'd wear for a photo contest. I like how competitive you are. I like when you wear my clothing and pretend you aren't and are just keeping my clothing to annoy me. I like the way you smile when you're happy and don't think anyone will notice.

"I just like you, Tommy. Simple as that.

"I never know with you. Maybe you don't like me back and that's why you're hiding in that bathroom listening to me leave this message on your phone. That's fine. I'm just going to leave and- oh."

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I'm not sure."

"For making me sit outside a rather smelly bathroom for ten minutes? For making me leave the most disgustingly soppy voice message I've ever recorded? For stealing my favourite sweater? Because you don't need to apologise for any of those. Except maybe that last one."

"For making you think I didn't like you back. I do."

"That's okay."

"...People always leave. So it's easier sometimes... To just. To just not."

"Well, I'm not going to leave."

"You aren't?"

"No, I'm going to stay right here."

"Second new message received on October thirty first at eleven twenty five PM- Hey Tommy, I'm coming to get you, Irina wants to go home so you better be done- oh hoh!

"Mmmf- Jesus Christ Dimitri go away! I'm busy!"

"It appears you're getting busy, buddy! High five!"

"GET OFF OF ME."

"Nah, looks like Erik's gonna be busy getting you off! Hah, get it?!"

"OH MY GOD STOP IT."

"Dimitri, go the hell away."

"The snapchat make out contest is over, you guys don't gotta do that in public anymore okay? Hey- don't start doing that in front of me- I'm still here guys- guys? Uuuugh. You put that hand back where you found it, Erik! That's revolting. Oh god I totally understand why you hated me sending you those photos, this is awful! Kris! Help!"


New youtube video from IrinaDove!

[Footage from an iphone pointed at Irina Ivanov's face. She is standing in what appears to be a typical cafe, with a sardonic smile on her face]

"Hey followers, here we have a prime example of a young couple in the middle of their honeymoon period. So sweet. So loving. So romantic. It just makes you want to puke."

[Camera is turned away from Irina's face and pointed towards two young men standing next to a small table. Seated at the table are two other men man, one who is doubled over with laughter, the other with a long-suffering expression]

"What do you mean your mom isn't dead?! I felt like such an asshole about that sweater!"

"It was very obviously a joke! That's all we'd been doing for the last week, why in god's name did you take that one thing seriously?! Are you stupid?"

"Maybe I just take death seriously, you emotionally stunted jackass!"

"You're one to talk about emotionally stunted! Which one of us locked themself in a bathroom to have a temper tantrum?"

"Excuse me?"

"Come on guys, there's no need to argue-"

"SHUT UP DIMITRI!"

"Kris, they're both so mean to me! Why did getting them together seem like a good idea?!"

[Camera flips back around to Irina's face, now wearing a fondly exasperated expression]

"And this, followers, is why I'm staying single forever."


Note: three years later and I accidentally wrote a sequel. Fun fact, I was super tempted to put the summary only as "PDA is one hell of a drug, kids" but refrained. Please let me know what you think!