Fifty six's journal part one.

have you ever feared death...?

not just feared, but were truly afraid of dying.

i think of death as a tool, not a fate to be avoided and in a roundabout way, pretended it's not there so that you're not scared of it anymore. But as a tool of survival. I kill. And then. I get to live.

im an assassin that Kills to keep from being killed. I was kidnapped when I was younger, trained to kill, and then forced into a life of servitude as an asassin for the H group. If I fail. I die. If I run away. I die. If I disobey I die. and if I die, they probably follow me to hell and kill me twice. Why me. Why me. Don't question my lifestyle as I never have had a better life to choose. And yet can you see? How I painstakingly suffer just to live another second longer.

a friend of mine. John assassain eleven.

He was never like me. As a matter of fact he did not only not fear death but coveted its warm embrace. He committed suicide and left the horrible life we lived as kidnapped assassins of the hit men H group. He told me before he died that death he would fear no longer for he had found a precipice in his life of pure consentual and freedom. When I wish to live, I will live again, he said to me. When I wish to die. I will die. And I will awaken in this world.

dont get me wrong. I loved john. I tried to stop him. But time is a burden we men and probably the women feel alone. It hurts to exist forever . And souls are eternal. At least that's what john said. And we do live forever. And If forever I must fight in order to survive then who was I to argue with destiny. Even if it hurt. Even if I wanted nothing else but to disappear forever.

Im scared.

just thinking about what john did scares me. Could I do that too?

could I die? Could I take control of my life? Could I end my suffering and choose non existence.

i like to think I was never meant to be that man that took this easy road out. I have hope. Happiness isn't real to me. But it is a potential energy I crave. I think john was right in doing the thing that made him happiest even though he had to leave us forever. But I want to escape the terror myself without resorting to non existence. Which is a theory to me by this point the nonexistence theory. Which is the belief that death is more soothing than to be unhappy and my heart has always rejected the non existence theory for reasons unknown even to myself.

maybe I'm greedy.

the hope for happiness someday seduces me. I want to run away from the h group like john did but I don't really want to die. I really don't. I want to live. I want to find happiness. I want to feel secure and safe and not in fact scared.

maybe I'm not strong. Not strong like john who could end his own life. Leave us. Disappear with his philosophies of non existence theories and not even feel bad for us. I'm actually kind of mad just thinking about it. I feel abandoned but it's okay.

Dear god

I'm sorry I ask for so much

please forgive me

But I don't want to die and I want to be happy on top of that.

i love you

i hate you.

im sorry I couldn't respect your journey you gave me as an assassin that kills to live. Why me I'd ask every night why me.

but you are all I have God. So I'll leave this thought with you before I go.

next time you let john get born

ask him first

dont force him

he told me he hates things like that.