Epic Rap Battles of Conspiracy:

Alex Jones VS Aldous Huxley...


Aldous Huxley: Hello, Alex? I'm Huxley, and my what a pity, you claim you're forty five? Why, you look about sixty.

You're dealing with the grandfather of conspiracy theories, the nature of ideals and all subsequent inquries.
All I get out of you is mindless rage and aggression, I'm a pacifist, so battling you will be my most favorite transgression.
You know you're rather small for being such an alpha, when you run out of your manly potions will you become an alfalfa?
Everything you claim to stand for, you stole from my book, I would seriously encourage you to come take a look.
I hunt down true conspiracies, you see them in lincoln logs,
I honestly couldn't care less about Donald Trump or gay frogs.
Don't you ever stop and question the true purpose of your life? How much of your super male vitality does it take to satisfy your wife?
You're an arrogant fat sack of genetically modified cheese, so welcome, my dear fellow to a brave new world of MC's!

Alex Jones with a megaphone:

Infowars DOT com! INFOWARS DOT COM! We're here live folks, with a global transmission. Think you can run my show? Heh, just keep on wishin! Billions of listeners, best show on the air, it's all on record, don't deny it, no, don't you DARE!

This is a family show, but my raps aren't gonna be clean, I banged 150 women by the time I was sixteen!

I was proven right about the gay frogs just look it up, I might look like a goblin but you're a punk!

You'll be popping happy pills when they send us to the slaughter!
I really think you need less flouride in your WATER!

Seriously, though your IQ is going down, now within my solid raps, you're just gonna drown!
Why not just buy our Propure water filtration invention?
Can't afford it, kid? Couple years I'll be selling life extension!
Nah, I'm joking, I would never sell that to you, cuz you and your progeny are gonna be dumber than glue!

If you think it's painful to hear Hillary cough, just wait till you see me tear my shirt off!

Key proponent of a scientific dictatorship? Mr. Huxley, sir, you better watch your lip!
You're like a purple parakeet in a fishbowl avoiding radiation, you were a trailblazer for your time,
but I've got my own nation!

Aldous Huxley: A nation of nitwits, dare I might say, I can't believe some listen to you every single day!
You're part of the problem, I'm part of the solution, be honest, do you broadcast from a mental institution? I'm a well established writer, distinguished author extrodinairre,
And what makes you think you're sexy when you go bare...on the air?

Alex Jones:
Well, well, well, Wile E. Peyote, eh? Yeah, you wrote a lot of books, punk, but I've got much more stuff to say. Robots in the army, orange juice that makes you gay!

Hahaha, shit's about to get REAL, big brother. When I set foot in a rally everybody runs for cover.
Exposing mainstream media? Government coverups? I'm the mother.
Sprinkling solid raps like loose change from pockets, slammin' you while yappin' about outer space, nukes, and rockets!
Crashin' through your doorways of drug induced perception, I've got documents that prove you were an Illuminati experiment...since inception.

Hatched in a royal conditioning center! Hahahaa! Almost knighted by the Lizard Queen! HAHAHA! Boyfriend and lover of Aleister Crowley! Your story's gettin' stranger than clips of South Park involving Towlie.

You'll be jonesing for these Alex raps before it's all said and done, ya just gotta face it, bitch, I've already won You're a monumental mescalin headed moron of a mushroom, and I'll stomp you into the dirt, gobble you up, and spit you out...like a patented official Infowars vacuum.

Aldous Huxley: I'm honestly not quite sure what you just said, and if you were any true threat to any evil empire,
you'd probably be dead.

Alex Jones: SHUT UP! We believe in humanity! Not in your LSD and social depravity!

Aldous Huxley: What's that you say?

Alex Jones: The answer to you is the war drill!

Huxley: What?

Alex Jones: 1776! *he fires gun in the air*

Huxley: The second ammendment doesn't mean you can do that! My, oh my, you're one crazy cat.

Alex Jones: SHUT UP, you royal rat!

Huxley: So you think I'm a shill?

Alex Jones: I've got the documents to prove it!

Huxley: If there's a war on for your mind, then you're about to lose it!

Alex Jones: WHAT? I'm not gonna drink a baby, you scum!
Dead bodies everywhere, Emperor Palpatine's sucking his thumb!
Quantum physics. Time travel! THE POPE! World government!

Huxley: You're not making any sense that's quite blatant! And you're a controlled opposition double triple quadruple secret agent!

Alex Jones: You're a confirmed level 13 Illuminati Freemasonic Reptillian Disney funded Spider Goat!

Huxley: You're a...oh never mind, I give up.

*Dark shadowy mist appears everywhere, then a figure eventually emerges wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy music plays*

Bill Hicks walks in...

Yep, that's right, it's me, Bill Hicks.
Killer comedy and conspiracy, it's how I get my kicks.
Playtime is over kids, so just go home and kill yourselves.
Nah, I'm just kiddin' Huxley your books are like all over my shelves.
And Alex, we don't quite see eye to eye, but you've got the right idea, tyrannical governments stink sky high.
Huxley: Let me get this straight, you're a hick named Bill?

Bill: Yeah, but if you wanted to, you could call me Will.

Alex: He's actually me. Says so on the dollar bill.

Bill: Alex, take a chill pill. And you, Huxley, stop being so damn snide.
Let's face it boys, *pulls them close to his face*

It's all just a fuckin' rollercoaster ride!

*Screen now cuts to Bill Hicks smashing pies in Alex's face, as well as Huxley's face, along with UFO's and missiles in the background*