I love being hurt.
It's probably not what you're thinking. Am I masochist? Maybe.
What I mean when I say I love being hurt, is that I like that pain that happens when you get your heart broken, when you lose someone, kinda like, well actually, maybe it's that sense of betrayal? Ugh but I don't think I'd like being betrayed. Or maybe I would, I haven't ever been betrayed so..
Basically, the only way I know what it feels like to be hurt by these things is because of stories. I love angsty stories, they give me life, it's kinda like I feed off the pain they deliver. You know, when the protagonist is suddenly betrayed by their partner of a long time, perhaps they're cheating on them and they just happened to catch them in the act and their world shattered and they had no idea what to think or feel, they kinda didn't know what was going on. Or maybe, their partner is actually like a double agent and just killed their best friend who had warned (or was about to) about them.
I think what felt was second hand heart break and I absolutely love it. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? The answer is simple, I believe this to be the only way I can feel and remind me that I am most definitely, alive.
Now, wow you're only experienced second hand once you experience it for real you will understand that it's not so great or something. Maybe that's what someone who has been through it would think, I don't know. I suppose a reason for me never having my heart broken is because aren't I usually the one who hurts others? Aren't I the one who breaks hearts?
Hey, when did this become about heart breaks? I really don't know how to tell a story here.
I mean, even a well-timed death that no one was expecting is great. Ah, personally, I've never lost a loved one so I don't know what death is like. The only time I experienced and I mean really experienced death that felt so real was when I was reading this comic. The best friend, after all the fighting had finally been reunited with the protagonist and even though at first they were pretty much enemies the two ended up becoming quite close and right after they made it into this room that was safe from outside enemies unbeknownst to them this scorpion bitch was waiting and WHEN SHE WAS FUCKING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE THAT DAMN SCORPION BITCH POISONED HER AND IT WAS JUST OUT OF NOWHERE AND IT WAS SO SURREAL I GUESS AND I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE IT AND I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS REAL BECAUSE NO WAY COULD THAT BE REAL AND I JUST WAS LOST AND CONFUSED AND HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK AND THE WORSE PART WAS THAT THE MC WAS LIKE SHE'S DEAD WTF AND HAD TO CONTINUE FIGHTING SO LEFT HER THERE AND IT KINDA WOULDN'T SINK IN THAT SHE WAS DEAD AND HONESTLY I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CONTINUE SINCE THERE WEREN'T MORE CHAPTERS BUT I READ A SPOILER SO I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT LIKE FUCK THIS WAS SO, IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE I LOST SOMEONE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT THAT.
But that has absolutely nothing to do with this and that just a whole bunch of ramble you probably didn't need to read and was probably pointless. Sorry about that! Probably. What exactly is this though? Perhaps a place to wallow in my self-pity? Nah, not feeling that today! I think this should be more of a story about me because I am a narcisstic asshole and want more stuff about me. That's not entirely correct either, perhaps I want something more to relive my memories. Maybe like a diary, but not. Maybe I'll turn this into a story where I'm the hero. A biography? Nah, I just want something to remind me. I don't think I've experienced anything really painful enough to get me hurt but, hm, that's interesting. Perhaps, this is me asking for something, but what? Maybe I just want to write this out so maybe I'll better understand what's happened.
In that case, where do I start? Obviously, towards the end would be best, right? How about the event which lead to me finally coming out to my friends? That might be a place to start because the catalyst for that has me not feeling odd. It's not guilt and I don't know what it is. Oh yeah, that was pretty recent by the way, so let's start this bad boy.
It was like any other day, nah just kidding I'm not gonna give it one of those start ups.
It all st-
Shit. Well, let's see. I met a girl, her name was Kira and it's strange actually because I think I might've fallen in love with her at first sight. For like 2 seconds anyway.
Anyway, Kira was 2 years younger than me and in her final year of school. What a coincidence that lil ol' me would cozy up with a high schooler (WINK). Honestly, I can remember what drew us to one another because thinking about it we had pretty much nothing in common and she was a lame ass dork who would always emphasis as such. She liked to be called a lame dork? She was a big ol' nerd who was fond of writing sad poems. Were they any good? I liked a couple of them.
At the time I met her I hadn't come out to my friends yet because well, I had no reason and spoiler alert THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THEY WERE LIKE "LOL SO" and maybe that was because it was ME who likes to make a big deal out of everything but yeah. So, I'd met her and for the first time I really felt in love and see thinking back on it I have absolutely no idea why. I don't understand at all.
What is love?
That is, I think I know what love is but I don't know how to express it. How do you love a person? How do you treat them differently from others? Actually, there's this one girl I treat differently than everyone else, I always look out for her and want to protect her, is that love?
How do you love?
Do you have to of been loved do be able to love back? Can someone who knows not of love, love another? Was I ever loved? Probably, I mean everyone is, right? Wrong. I don't know. How do people know when or how to express love? Give them flowers, tell them I love you, hug them. This stuff, I don't understand. Why don't I understand? Perhaps it was because I'd never been in a (real) relationship. I say real because omfg there's no way that first one counts, right?
You see even though I hadn't known her for long she was the catalyst which allowed me to come out to my friends. Was it with her support? I don't know. I think I just grew tired or being in the closet and well to be fair I was calling Kira my girlfriend, I know, WE JUST MET. But honestly speaking at that time I was so happy and I kinda felt invincible and even trying to remember back I can't remember exactly how I felt and I don't know what to think now.
Honestly speaking, I know I am a shallow fool and I can't help it. Just by knowing, what am I supposed to do? I can't just change the way I feel and think. Actually, can I?
Oops, I'm off track again.
So Kira, well like I said I was in love with her for like 2 seconds well maybe that was more like 2 weeks where I was just head over heels and then that feeling just wore off and I was like "oh ok?" So Kira was pretty attached and clingy, which honestly I didn't mind her being clingy but then it just got to a certain point where she was too clingy. Not only that but I knew she was manipulative and she'd try to guilt me for not texting back or something, dude this one time I was in the shower for like 10 minutes and when I checked my phone HOLY SHIT MAN!
After being conflicted for a while I decided to make sure things were clear between us, about where we were and such so naturally I asked to make sure she knew that we weren't dating ('what are you serious didn't you just say you were referring to her as your girlfriend?' well yeah I was doing that but that was also behind her back, to her I never said anything lol) anyway we talked and she was like "lol yeah I know we're not dating blah blah blah I can't handle a relationship and even now it's not something I want yada yada yada" so after breathing a sigh of relief I go about my normal business.
NOW A MONTH LATER IT IS LATE AT NIGHT AND SHE SENDS ME THIS LONG ASS TEXT!
Well, this long ass text was in response to me asking if everything is alright because she had been acting weird lately BUT ANYWAY LET ME CONTINUE!
I cleared everything up between us, OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT I DID BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DID NOT AND WELL FUCKING DAMN MATE OH MY LORD OH MY LORD-E-LORD!
This novel of a text was basically about how she never lost her feelings for me and how she trusts me a lot and well basically I think she was trying to tell me that she was in love with me which is like ? 'y tho' Oh and in it she pointed out this girl I kept mentioning (the one I want to protect and y'know) and how she was trying to get over her feelings for me but couldn't and so on and then I confirmed (yet again) that yes, my feelings had changed.
Thinking about it now, maybe it was the fact that when I tried to clear things up between us, the way she replied pretty much suggested I was just over-thinking things and that she didn't like me like that which is why it was easier for me to 'lose' those feelings completely. Perhaps that's why I can't remember what it felt like back then. Even though it was pretty recently it feels like years. But you know what actually, thinking about it all over again, she kept talking about her ex to me and her conflicted feelings, she said this was because she can genuinely talk to me but I mean, perhaps that was what also factored into my loss of interest because despite what she said she was clearly not over her ex and I was just a rebound. And there was another girl she kept talking about being all over her and wanting to hook up with her and stuff and wow, actually thinking back on this I think I'm better without her.
But in realising all this, I still miss her.
Did it hurt?
Kinda, yeah. I mean it probably did. For some reason when I try to remember my feelings get all blurry and I can't remember what exactly I felt. Was I jealous? Yes, I know that without a doubt. Not only that but why would you talk to the person you're interested in about your conflicting feelings for your ex? Was this enough to make me fall out of love with her? Yes. Wow. It kinda feels like my head is a lot clearer now.
In the end, I understand.
In the end, I hurt her. I hurt her because I confirmed that I was no longer interested in her and there was not a future where the two of us would be together. I thought we both understood that. I was wrong.
Sometimes when I think about it I still get pangs in my chest area, of that hurt and of that guilt. Thinking about it actually. No, I'm not a masochist. Did this experience hurt me? Overall, no. But there were tears, there were times I was so miserable because of her. But there were also times where because of her I was so unbelievably overpowered by joy, the smiles I just couldn't hold back, and those times she made me so happy that it's actually hard to believe. I was happy. I was sad.
Am I hurting over her? I wonder.