Sunday 22nd November, 2017

Yeah so here's the thing, I completely forgot all about this. I'd forgotten I'd planned on using this as a way to gather my thoughts, or something.

Let's see, what has changed in the last 11 months and 2 days?

Well first off, I recall mentioning my experience (or lack thereof) with death and the closest I'd ever come was to reading it in a manga. Really good stuff, felt so surreal and really hit me.

Well, earlier this year, May to be exact, my neighbour passed away and I was absolutely devastated. I didn't know what to do, didn't know what to feel.

So, my neighbour was an elderly lady, she was in her 90s I believe and I'd always help her when she got home, since my room overlooks their driveway and I'd usually be sitting on my top bunk when I saw her pull up, so naturally I'd help her out of her car with her groceries or whatever. I'd also talk to her every now and then because of my coin collection because yeah, I enjoy collecting coins.

Anyway, the absolutely worse part of all of this was that she had gotten sick and had to be taken to the hospital. I visited her. Once. It was horrible. She was incoherent and I didn't know what to think. I'd never seen someone like that before. Anyway, later on her daughter spoke to me and told me to give her a ring. All I had to do was give her a ring. But of course, I was always too busy, I'd work all day and then couldn't be bothered or I'd just forget.

In reality I just couldn't bring myself to do it and that was because I was scared. I was scared because what if she didn't know who I was or I don't know, I was just scared I can't even remember. So then I hear the news that she's passed and all I can think about is how I am such a terrible person because I couldn't even call her and that's all she wanted from me, just a quick phone call.

It really got to me. I felt absolutely guilty, I didn't know how to feel as well, I was confused and conflicted, did I deserve to mourn over her? And then there was her funeral, my first ever funeral as well and I didn't know what to think. I cried. I cried a lot, I tried to hold it back but I started crying before it even started.

It was sad and just really fucking terrible. Not to mention the weather seemed appropriate, cold and overcast. It sprinkled every now and then as well. But in the end I feel that the funeral was really good. Like it felt like I really got to say good bye and a whole lot was lifted off my chest. I got to say good bye to her one last time and it felt real but something I could get over.

It made me wonder though, why do people say they hate funerals? Honestly, I don't understand. I thought it was good and yeah I just really can't understand why you'd hate funerals.

The funeral was 3 days before I left for Indonesia, so I was glad that I'd be there for it. Which I'd actually considered not going to Bali because the Fairy Tail Movie was premiering on the 18th and I'd miss it and I had no one to go for me so I was like "hm, I should just go myself" but of course I didn't because I'd already bought my ticket like the month before (me going on this trip was rather sudden).

This was not only my first time overseas but my first time on a plane. It was a truly memorable experience. I definitely felt like a different person. The country was beautiful and one thing I noticed was that the people, the locals, were genuinely happy. They had so little and yet they were more happy. It is how I aspire to be.

I feel like, I can't explain but it was definitely a new experience. It was interesting and I had fun. I done things I hadn't before. Which included stepping on a sea urchin, which also made me the first person to ever get hurt at this specific activity resort place, and having to piss on my big toe – which was not an easy task and horrible because I couldn't walk as much.

I also rode a motorbike/scooter in thongs, not the best idea since I ended up once again hurting my foot. Although lucky for me my nails were well kept and strong so when I actually skidded my toe they took most of the damage and because they were so strong (honestly don't ask me how) they didn't even rip back or anything painful like that.

There was also an interesting scene coming back to Australia in customs. I might fill you in on that one at a later date but boy oh boy was that definitely entertaining.

Perhaps there was more in between that I cannot recall at the current moment, I'll eventually get there but now, now there's something else.

I'm feeling rather conflicted at the moment and it's all because of this girl.

I really like her, I can feel it I definitely like her and sometimes I do think about doing things with her. Well not that it gets to R-Rated, I think it mostly just ends up at making out. Damn, I'm still like that. Anyway, I like her a lot and I think she may like me back but there's a problem.

My #1 rule is to NEVER like your friends, so of course, don't date them either but we are now in the friendzone with each other so if I were to take things further with her (or at least try) then that's breaking my #1 rule!

The second problem is, pretty much another rule of mine, DO NOT DATE WORK MATES – which we both work together, not often but at the same place.

Ugh, I hate work couples, they're so annoying like why would you do that? What about if things don't work out that's going to be so awkward! But yeah, also work place gossip and everyone needing to know your business because they're a bunch of lonely no lifers.

So anything with her would be breaking my top 2 rules, literally.

And then there's the, to what extent do I like her? I know I like her a lot, I think about her every day, I wanna spend time with her, I love seeing her ect but I don't know like wow, I can't explain.

There's also the does she like me because she likes me or does she like me because she knows I'm also gay. Which implies that she actually likes me in the first place, which I'm not even all that sure about because she keeps sending me mixed messages. It's really confusing.

Considering all this, there's also the should I be the responsible friend and guide her, support her rather than becoming more than friends. I like her so much that I don't even know what to do.

Well there's that, for now.

- Villain out