Sometimes I wonder why my parents had kids, except maybe for tax exemptions. My folks were nice enough people and they loved us but they were a busy, pre-occupied, popular, successful and distracted power couple who didn't always put the needs, interest, and wellbeing of their kids first.
Yes, we lived in a nice house with all the comforts. We were spoiled and got what we asked for. We went on nice vacations. But Dad missed a lot of my little league games and Mom didn't make it to most of the school assemblies so sometimes we felt like we were privileged orphans.
My mother wasn't interested in the traditional role so we had a revolving door of Nannies for as long as I could remember. I was the oldest and when I got to be around ten or eleven I started resenting third party people telling me what to do but I was glad to have the Nanny around because that meant I didn't have to look after my younger siblings - Emily, Charlie, and Gertie.
I can't remember everybody on the Nannies list - there was Mrs. Morrison, and Miss Pearson, and Ms. Phillips. There was Maria and Angela and Josie. Then I went off to be a boarding student at the Sun Rise Lake School for Boys so I didn't pay attention to who was filling the position because it no longer affected me in my everyday life so why should I care?
By the time I was a high school senior Carolyn was the live in Nanny and for the first time I saw the position in a whole new light. Carolyn was only above five years older than me (most of the previous Nannies had been at least twenty years older - ladies, not girls!) and I saw them as authority figures more than I did as people.
But Carolyn was both pretty and sexy. Plus she talked to me like I was a person and not a kid and to say that I was taken by her would be an understatement. I was fascinated by her, obsessed even. She was the most amazing person I had ever met - and she was living in my house!
I didn't plan to come home much senior year. Emily was in her snob phase, Charlie was a wimp, and Gertie a little brat and I had no interest in subjecting myself to that drama. But then I met Carolyn and suddenly home was the place I wanted to be! I had my own car so coming home on the weekends (or even on an occasional week night) was no big deal and I was perfectly happy to visit the homestead – not necessarily to see the family but to be around Carolyn!
I'd been dating for the past few years – local girls, a sister of a dorm mate, daughters of some of my parents' friends, but I realized they were all amateurs once I met Carolyn who, to me, was intelligent, sophisticated, worldly, mature and intriguing.
I wasn't quite sure why Carolyn was working as a Nanny but I didn't care – I just wanted to be in her presence! I liked to think that my education and socialization at The Sun Rise Lake School For Boys made me a respectable, interesting and diviner guy who might be attractive to her and I attempted to impress her with my scholarly knowledge and cultured experience although what I really was doing was flirting with her!
Carolyn had her job responsibilities to focus on – helping with meals, taking my siblings to their various events and activities, keeping the house clean – but there was still time for me to interact with her. I wasn't desperate enough to tag along to my siblings' lame events but I did make myself available around the house to engage in a conversation with Carolyn when she had a few spare moments or when my siblings were preoccupied with their own interests.
I tried to be subtle so I wouldn't raise my parents' suspicions or my siblings teasing, playing it cool by acting aloof and disinterested – as if I was humoring Carolyn with my interaction – when in truth I wanted to be around her all the time. The best time to talk to her was at night – when the kids were in bed and my parents were either out or preoccupied elsewhere in the expansive house where it was easy to get lost.
My parents' bedroom was on the opposite side of the house and on the first floor. My three siblings (and Carolyn) had bedrooms on the second floor of the opposite wing while I lorded over everybody on the third floor. The house was only about twenty years old – designed and built by my parents before I was born in anticipation of their lifestyle and success. There were more windows than I could count, open and large rooms, hardwood floors, granite counter tops – a huge kitchen, formal dining room, expansive living room, a den, a study, a parlor, a huge pantry, a walk in cellar, a three car garage (the 'children's wing' was over it), a spiral staircase, five bathrooms, and a large windowed inside porch and a wrap-around front porch. It was definitely a nice house!
I'd find Carolyn on her laptop at the kitchen or dining room table or sitting in the open space on "the children's wing" of the house that featured a nice rollaway desk she liked and a computer table. That's when I could chat with her one-on-one without any distractions or interruptions. I'd tell her about school at Sun Rise Lake, making myself out to be some class leader and school hero when I was really just another guy among a couple of hundred other guys just like me.
Carolyn didn't reveal a whole lot about herself. I knew she graduated from college before taking the job with us and from the amount of time I saw her on the computer I assumed she was doing some sort of post-Bachelor work online but she didn't volunteer much information and I figured I shouldn't ask.
I liked listening to her voice – it was soft and musical and she was well spoken. She like to drink tea with lemon and sometimes I think she sneaked something a little extra in there. She had an interesting sense of humor –wry and sardonic – sometimes it took me a few moments to realize she was being funny when she said something.
Carolyn made me feel better about myself simply by being around me. I enjoyed a sense of dignity and maturity when I was in her presence. I felt older and more interesting. I grinned a lot, trying to show her my 'fuck me' look although I was pretty sure she was missing that signal. I tried not to gaze at her but sometimes I couldn't help myself. She was amazing. I wanted her to caress me, sooth me, sing to me, but I could never tell her such things. Sometimes she would smirk at me and I wasn't sure if she was letting me know that she knew what I was thinking and how I was feeing. I hoped that something might happen between us but I was afraid to make the first move or to even tell her I had the sexual fever for her.
Carolyn mentioned almost in passing that she married when she was eighteen, an unexpected bombshell that caught me off guard.
"Don't look so shocked, Marty," she laughed with amusement.
We were sitting in the open space on the second floor that had become one of Carolyn's favorite places. It was late in the evening and I was returning from a night out with friends.
"Eighteen is awfully young to get married," I said, sitting on the small love seat sofa not far from the desk.
"Which is why I'm not married anymore," she deadpanned.
"Were you pregnant?" I asked.
"No, you jerk, I was in love," she said with annoyance. "Too young to know any better."
"It didn't work out?" I foolishly asked the obvious, obviously.
Carolyn rolled her eyes and laughed. "Why else would I be here?"
"Why are you here?" I wondered.
"Hiding out and laying low for a while," She answered. "My mother knows your mother. It worked out for all of us."
"Your husband must have been pretty stupid not to see what a wonderful treasure you are."
"You must be in the Poetry part of your English class," Carolyn noted.
"So what happened?" I needed to know.
"We went to college together. Had our own little romantic apartment off campus. I'd come home at night and make supper for him. Then, junior year, out of the blue, he decided to drop out."
"I still don't know," Carolyn sighed, shaking her head. "He decided an education wasn't what he wanted."
"What did he want?"
"To hitchhike across the country," Carolyn answered, the disbelief still in her tone.
"You didn't want to go?"
"He never asked," she said, her voice sad.
"So, he just took up and left?" I asked with confusion. "Without you?"
"Pretty much," she confirmed. "I divorced the bastard, finished school, and proceeded to have an emotional breakdown."
"I'm sorry," I said, now in total awe of her.
"Ah, don't be," she smiled. "I eventually got my shit together and now here I am, taking an on line doctorate course and being a Nanny. Who would have thought?"
"I guess there's always hope," I reasoned.
"I suppose everything happens for a reason," she agreed, giving me an interesting look.