Carolyn was gone when I awoke on Thanksgiving morning, the bed still warm with her scent. I wished she had awoken me to say goodbye but I knew she would be back in a few days and I could wait that long having waited all my life for this chance at sophisticated love.
I was walking on air when I went downstairs to enjoy the day with my family and for the first time in a while I was actually happy to be around them, feeling as through a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and that I could be playful and child-like even though I felt like a man.
They teased me – Emily actually said "You must have a girlfriend" when she noticed me being so friendly and cheerful. Of course, I couldn't tell them the truth ("Yeah, me and Carolyn fucked up in my room last night") but I liked the attention.
I was pretty sure my parents wouldn't approve of me sleeping with the "hired help" and I knew Carolyn and I were going to have to have a conversation about how to tell my parents that we were "dating" now.
My mother went all out with a great Thanksgiving Dinner and then we headed for the airport for our Family Thanksgiving Tradition – three days at Disneyworld (it's not very crowded during Thanksgiving). Our flight left at 6:30 and we were in our Disney Hotel by midnight.
For the next three days, it was all sun and family fun at the different parks. We had been there at least ten times in the past but it was always a thrill to be back with the Mouse and Friends because it never got old. I made it a point of being nice and I spent quality time with my siblings and my parents were pleased with my 'mature' behavior and attitude, attributing it to my prep school experience even though I knew it was because of Carolyn.
Our flight left Tampa at 9:30 p.m. Sunday night and we didn't get home until after two. I had to leave first thing on Monday morning for Class at Sun Rise Lake and I spent the week thinking about Carolyn and looking forward to seeing her on Friday night when I came home.
We never exchanged phone numbers or e-mails and I didn't even know her last name to find her on Facebook – I would have to remedy that the next time I saw her.
I found myself amused when I heard some of my classmates talking about their pursuit of romance and dating experiences knowing most of them hadn't known what I had discovered on Thanksgiving Eve and how envious they would be if they knew my story.
I went home on Friday evening and I was confused when I saw an unfamiliar woman in her mid-thirties making a cake in the kitchen.
"Hello, you must be Marty," she said pleasantly.
"Hello, who are you?" I asked suspiciously.
"I'm Ms. Hatch, but you can call me Jessica."
I went in search of answers.
"Where's Carolyn?" I asked Emily who I found in her bedroom.
"She quit," Emily reported and I tried not to stagger learning the news.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, offended and enraged at the same time.
"Her Dad got sick or something," Emily shrugged, focusing on whatever she was writing on her laptop. "Ask Mom, I don't know."
I stumbled up to my room before I burst out in tears. The mail was on my bed – mostly college applications and solicitations but I saw a flowered envelope as well – addressed to me with no return address. I sat on the bed and opened it.
It breaks my heart to write you this farewell. I won't be happy for a long time, this I know, but my Dad is gravely ill and my mother needs me. We are staying at the winter house in Florida and I doubt we will be back North for the foreseeable future.
Please don't be sad and don't wallow too long. You are a good person and a great man and you don't deserve to suffer. Any girl will be lucky to have you.
I like you very much and I will always think of you fondly. We will always have our special Thanksgiving to remember and cherish.
All My Love,
I cried as I re-read her note several times. Every conversation we ever shared ran through my mind and the pain that came with the realization that I had lost her was crushing. I was convinced that I would never know another woman who made me feel the way Carolyn made me feel.
As wonderful as falling in love felt, losing that love was more painful than anything I ever felt before. I couldn't tell anybody, of course. I had violated protocol by falling for an older woman and crossing boundaries but God was I lonely without Carolyn around. She was the only one I wanted – her charm and her smile and her laugh and her warmth.
I was beyond sad and it was a struggle to get through the rest of the semester. I drove back to campus that night (with Carolyn's note in my pocket) - it was too painful to be in that house without her and I didn't come home again until Christmas break.
I barely functioned in the first few days after discovering Carolyn's note but I had to regroup for Finals. My roommate Andy picked up on my depressed state and I confided in him what Carolyn and I had done. He was both impressed and sympathetic but rather brutal in his humor to get me to move beyond her, making all sorts of sexual innuendos and asking for play by play descriptions about the sex because all he had experienced was a blow job by a stranger at some Halloween frat party he crashed at Green College with a couple of classmates.
Of course, I admired, respected, valued and honored Carolyn far too much to ever say anything out of school about her. What we shared together was personal and private and I wasn't going to turn our love into locker room banter.
I was still in the dumps when I came home for Christmas and my family figured something had happened to my love life although they had no clue it was Carolyn I was pining over and mourning. I tried to put on a smile as best I could but it was hard, especially with Jessica there to remind me of Carolyn's absence.
I went out with my local friends a few times while home on break and I was re-introduced to Tim's sister Barbara's friend Ellen who I had previous interactions with in earlier years. She was a nice person and an attractive girl and we seemed to have familiar things in common (politics, sports) so it was easy to converse with her. She was intelligent and could put up a good debate when we disagreed on topics and I found her to be a welcomed distraction from my grief although I wasn't interested in a quick roll in the hay just to heal my broken heart or prove my manhood.
But Ellen and I exchanged cell phone numbers and e-mails and we communicated with one another during the week. I'd come home most weekends and we'd go out to a movie or dinner or to a party with Tim and the rest of the group. I suppose we were more than friends but less than lovers and eventually my broken heart began to slowly heal and I started thinking less about Carolyn and more about Ellen, even though she was actually a few months younger than me whereas Carolyn was more than four years older than me.
I innocently kissed Ellen goodnight one evening after a pizza with the gang and that seemed to move our budding relationship into a new category. We spent the rest of the school year walking the dance of high school romance, each of us conscious about boundaries. Tim told me Ellen had a previous boyfriend but that it had ended badly and she took it hard so I suppose we shared similar feelings and experiences.
Part of me felt like I was cheating on Carolyn getting involved with Ellen even though I knew Carolyn was gone forever. I felt warmth for Ellen and an increasing affection as the months went by and we got to learn more about each other. Because I was away at school during the week, we didn't have the problem of seeing too much of each other although sometimes I worried that we didn't see enough of each other to keep a relationship going, even with all the texting and e-mails.
I also worried about the possibility of loving another woman when I had already loved one. Was it possible to find a new passion and longing for another person? Could I forget Carolyn and focus on Ellen?
It was Saturday in late Spring and Ellen invited me to her house. Her parents were conveniently out of town and I was pretty sure Ellen was ready to take the next step. I had no idea how I was going to respond to such interests until it actually happened.
We sat chatting, pretending nothing was different between us. Then we watched a video. And she made us an early supper. And then we went into her room (she said she wanted to show me her CD and DVD collection) and before I knew it we were making out on her bed and whatever reservations, doubts, second thoughts, and memories of Carolyn I had earlier in the day disappeared with the stiffening of my penis.
Ellen was happy to assist in the removal of her clothes and I had no problem getting rid of my mine and she lay on the bed stark naked, her eyes looking at me (and my equipment), her breathing heavy as she waited expectedly for me to proceed,
I was kneeling in front of her and I gently pulled her legs apart, eyeing the trifle of light pubic hair that failed to cover her mound.
"I'm going to lick you below the belt," I announced, remembering how Carolyn invited me to do the same.
"Okay," Ellen said nervously and so I leaned in and kissed her there which caused her to shutter.
I pulled open her lips and I noticed that she was smaller and lighter than Carolyn but the sight of her womanhood caused me to ache between my legs and I gently slipped my finger inside her. Ellen moaned and tried to squeeze her legs shut on my hand as she fearfully turned sideways to expose her white tail to me, nervous and uncertain about what I was doing to her.
Had I not previously been with Carolyn I may have freaked out but I was confident and experienced and I gently rolled my new lover onto her back and she looked at me with wide eyes, my stiff penis pointing at her with authority.
"Relax," I whispered. "It's okay. We're okay."
She chewed on her lip and nodded slightly.
I returned my finger to her entrance but she reached down and pulled it away. "I want you," she pleaded.
I lined myself up with her and gently slid myself inside while trusting my tongue into her mouth and she sucked on it while I pumped her slowly and with authority.
"Oh, Marty," she mumbled when she realized how much in charge I was with the situation.
I assumed I was not her first but I had learned from Carolyn not to ask questions and I was determined to prove that I was her best. I was throbbing inside of her with pleasure and Ellen suddenly relaxed and started to enjoy herself, amazed by my talent and confidence as I easily brought her to pleasure which lasted a long time.
I had never felt so in command before - as though I could keep Ellen under my spell for as long as I wanted. She was moaning with ecstasy and begging me to keep going which I did as she thrashed and squirmed under me in laughing delight and I was amazed at the power I enjoyed.
"Where did you learn to do it like this?" Ellen whimpered through her broken breath but I wasn't about to divulge my secret though I smiled at the gift Carolyn had given me.
It felt like Carolyn was still a part of me as I made love to Ellen. A woman had taught me how to be a man and now as a man I was passing on the gift to this girl becoming a woman.
"Enough," Ellen pleaded when she couldn't take it anymore, exhausted from my endless physical stamina.
I was contented from my throws of pleasure so I carefully withdrew from Ellen and rolled off of her as she lay spread eagle on the bed in a state of bliss. But I wasn't done with her yet and I returned my mouth to between her legs where I continued working my magic on her until she couldn't take it anymore and she screamed out in anguished frenzy.
"Oh my fucking God," was all she had to say as I moved up her body and kissed her on the mouth. "I didn't know it could be like this."
She boldly reached her arm out and found my penis which she played with and it didn't take me long to explode from my prolonged excitement as I spilled myself all over her thigh and stomach.
"I hope you don't mind," I said, blushing slightly.
"Never," she assured me. "You will be hard to resist forever now."
"I will be happy to Nanny you," I let her know as I kissed the side of her face.
"What?" Ellen asked with confusion.
"We are now in a perpetual Nanny State," I said, amused at my own inside joke as I passed on to Ellen what Carolyn had given to me: Love.