#10

border crossing, girl hanging (jan 10)

i barely slept on the bus trip
a fat lady sat next to me
you know how a fat guy sits next to you
and automatically claims twenty percent of your seat
and there's nothing you can do about it?
it's not like you can ask them to stop being fat
at least she was being respectable and trying keep to herself
rather than freely extending her arms and nudging me constantly

i got to the bus central at five thirty am
took a taxi to the bridge and had to haggle the driver to pay less
he was clearly trying to rip me off but i managed to save some change
although, i got fucked over when i got dollars due to the awful exchange rate
it only made me anxious about the struggle my parents are going through

i thought the border crossing would be simple but it was hella packed
even so, the officials were dispatching people hella fast
i took the bus all the way to my apartment complex
and arrived by the dawn of day

i called my friend angel but then had the urge to sleep
so i crashed most of the afternoon, woke up and visited him
we spent the rest of the day watching videos and playing a bit of guitar together
we're going to record tomorrow, finally

he showed me a video where a twelve year old girl kills herself on stream
she was crying and sobbing before pulling off the chair from under her feet
after that, she got tensed up and tried to fight the rope for a bit
as if she regretted the decision for a second, but ultimately ceded
and let her arms down in defeat

the sun was coming down on her video
it went dark, and then her cellphone was ringing loud
she was already dead by then
at the end, you can hear her mother screaming for her name, looking for her

apparently she was raped by her stepfather, and her mother was alcoholic
her siblings were raped too, it seemed, i think there's an investigation going
but i see the silhouette of her body hanging and it makes me think
it must take some huge balls to go through that sort of thing
willingly kill yourself and stop living
because you just know this world isn't worth it

as much as i romanticize dying, i don't think i can ever muster the strength to go through with it

after that, me and angel went to get taco bell and watch funny videos
until midnight and a half struck and i deemed it time to leave, i wanted to let him sleep or at least chill

another semester begins at last, and i'm glad to be back home
i've yet to see most of my friends but i'll do so this week
i wanna party as much as i can before i get serious and work on my shit

it's nice to be back home