TITLE CARD:

Cineducatevid, Inc. Presents

HOW TO WRITE A STORY

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING

NARRATOR (MALE; V.O.)
It's another fine day of junior
high, or "middle school," if you're
a dirty hippie. Let's take a peek
inside, shall we?

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

A teacher lectures a class.

NARRATOR
Oh look, it's Mrs. Neilson! She's
teaching English, but it seems one
young man is having trouble paying
attention.

One student, RICKY, stares off into space.

NARRATOR
Ricky Anderson, that little
bastard. He just doesn't know how
to keep his mind on things.

A folded piece of paper lands on Ricky's desk. He glances at
the two boys sitting on either side of him, who are stifling
their laughter. He unfolds the paper, revealing "FAG"
written on it.

NARRATOR
Uh-oh, what's this?

Ricky sighs, angrily crumpling the paper and throwing it at
one of the boys.

NARRATOR
Looks like he's starting trouble
again!

The boys take out pellet handguns and shoot Ricky, who vainly
tries to shield himself.

NARRATOR
Poor Ricky. He was goofing off so
much, he won't know what his
homework assignment is! Don't be a
Ricky!

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

NARRATOR
Let's see if a bad home life is
causing his problems.

INT. RICKY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Ricky sits on his bed, strangling himself with an extension
cord.

NARRATOR
It seems that, like many young
people and David Carradine, Ricky
likes to choke himself for sick,
sick pleasure. Hope he's being
careful!

Ricky falls back on the bed, nearly passing out.

NARRATOR
Guess not.

Ricky rips the cord off and gasps for air, struggling to sit
up.

NARRATOR
Ricky might need a new hobby.

Ricky blinks, looking around.

RICKY
Wh-what? Who said that?

NARRATOR
Oh shit, he can hear me!

Ricky jumps off the bed.

RICKY
Who's there?! Who's talking?!
Where are you?!

NARRATOR
(under his breath)
Wait, watch this.
(clears throat)
Um, hi, Ricky. All that
asphyxiation must have given you
the gift to hear voice-overs.

RICKY
Who are you?!

NARRATOR
I'm...your conscience. I'm here to
scold you for not listening to Mrs.
Neilson when she was giving out
homework today.

RICKY
I was listening!

NARRATOR
Then what was the assignment?

RICKY
I'm supposed to write a story that
is at least five pages long, double
spaced.

NARRATOR
How many acts does a story have?

RICKY
Um -

NARRATOR
Three! The beginning, the middle,
and the end.

RICKY
Okay, well -

NARRATOR
Example!

A cheap special-effect bubble irises open next to Ricky.

NARRATOR
Act one: Bob climbs up a tree.

The bubble presents a crude animation of a stick figure
climbing a tree.

NARRATOR
Act two: Bob is shot on sight by
security.

A gunshot rings out, and the stick figure's head is blown off
its body. Both fall from the tree, gushing blood.

NARRATOR
Act three: In the last five seconds
of activity in Bob's brain, he
learns not to trespass on private
orchards.

The head rolls itself upright, facing the CAMERA.

STICK FIGURE HEAD
Sorry.

The head lets out a death rattle, and the eyes become "X"s.

NARRATOR
That's a character arc!

The bubble poofs away.

RICKY
But do all stories have to have
three acts?

NARRATOR
I dunno. Hey, did you see all that
blood? That was pretty awesome.

RICKY
Mrs. Neilson says my story has to
reflect how I feel about the
current state of the world.

NARRATOR
That's called "social commentary."
It means your story has to be
relevant to real life in some way.

RICKY
That doesn't sound fun.

NARRATOR
It isn't. But luckily, once you
stick the social commentary in
there somewhere, you can do
whatever the hell you want!

RICKY
Really?

NARRATOR
Of course! For instance, creative
writing is a great way to get
bloodthirsty revenge on your
enemies! And it's all legal!

RICKY
Can I make my story about Dustin
Zegers and Jeff Bales getting
kidnapped and slowly put through a
wheat thresher?

NARRATOR
Sure! Just change the names and,
uh, make the kidnapper an evil
farmer, so you can say it's a
critique of factory farming.

RICKY
Wow! Thanks for your help,
disembodied voice!

NARRATOR
And thank you for deciding to
become one of the educated! Good
luck, my boy!

INTERTITLE: "The Next Day"

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

A grimacing Ricky stomps away from the school, dragging his
backpack behind him. He angrily kicks the ground along the
side of the walkway.

NARRATOR
Hi there, Ricky! How'd it go?

RICKY
I got suspended for a month, and
now I have to see Dr. Johnson three
times a week instead of just once!
Why did you say it was okay for me
to write those things?!

NARRATOR
Because when you've been buried
under a school for thirty years,
you get really bored.

RICKY
Huh?

A skeleton hand bursts from the ground and grabs Ricky's
ankle. Ricky screams.

ABRUPT CUT TO:

TITLE CARD:

THE END!

A Cineducatevid, Inc. Production