Cineducatevid, Inc. Presents
HOW TO WRITE A STORY
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING
NARRATOR (MALE; V.O.)
It's another fine day of junior
high, or "middle school," if you're
a dirty hippie. Let's take a peek
inside, shall we?
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
A teacher lectures a class.
Oh look, it's Mrs. Neilson! She's
teaching English, but it seems one
young man is having trouble paying
One student, RICKY, stares off into space.
Ricky Anderson, that little
bastard. He just doesn't know how
to keep his mind on things.
A folded piece of paper lands on Ricky's desk. He glances at
the two boys sitting on either side of him, who are stifling
their laughter. He unfolds the paper, revealing "FAG"
written on it.
Uh-oh, what's this?
Ricky sighs, angrily crumpling the paper and throwing it at
one of the boys.
Looks like he's starting trouble
The boys take out pellet handguns and shoot Ricky, who vainly
tries to shield himself.
Poor Ricky. He was goofing off so
much, he won't know what his
homework assignment is! Don't be a
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING
Let's see if a bad home life is
causing his problems.
INT. RICKY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Ricky sits on his bed, strangling himself with an extension
It seems that, like many young
people and David Carradine, Ricky
likes to choke himself for sick,
sick pleasure. Hope he's being
Ricky falls back on the bed, nearly passing out.
Ricky rips the cord off and gasps for air, struggling to sit
Ricky might need a new hobby.
Ricky blinks, looking around.
Wh-what? Who said that?
Oh shit, he can hear me!
Ricky jumps off the bed.
Who's there?! Who's talking?!
Where are you?!
(under his breath)
Wait, watch this.
Um, hi, Ricky. All that
asphyxiation must have given you
the gift to hear voice-overs.
Who are you?!
I'm...your conscience. I'm here to
scold you for not listening to Mrs.
Neilson when she was giving out
I was listening!
Then what was the assignment?
I'm supposed to write a story that
is at least five pages long, double
How many acts does a story have?
Three! The beginning, the middle,
and the end.
Okay, well -
A cheap special-effect bubble irises open next to Ricky.
Act one: Bob climbs up a tree.
The bubble presents a crude animation of a stick figure
climbing a tree.
Act two: Bob is shot on sight by
A gunshot rings out, and the stick figure's head is blown off
its body. Both fall from the tree, gushing blood.
Act three: In the last five seconds
of activity in Bob's brain, he
learns not to trespass on private
The head rolls itself upright, facing the CAMERA.
STICK FIGURE HEAD
The head lets out a death rattle, and the eyes become "X"s.
That's a character arc!
The bubble poofs away.
But do all stories have to have
I dunno. Hey, did you see all that
blood? That was pretty awesome.
Mrs. Neilson says my story has to
reflect how I feel about the
current state of the world.
That's called "social commentary."
It means your story has to be
relevant to real life in some way.
That doesn't sound fun.
It isn't. But luckily, once you
stick the social commentary in
there somewhere, you can do
whatever the hell you want!
Of course! For instance, creative
writing is a great way to get
bloodthirsty revenge on your
enemies! And it's all legal!
Can I make my story about Dustin
Zegers and Jeff Bales getting
kidnapped and slowly put through a
Sure! Just change the names and,
uh, make the kidnapper an evil
farmer, so you can say it's a
critique of factory farming.
Wow! Thanks for your help,
And thank you for deciding to
become one of the educated! Good
luck, my boy!
INTERTITLE: "The Next Day"
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
A grimacing Ricky stomps away from the school, dragging his
backpack behind him. He angrily kicks the ground along the
side of the walkway.
Hi there, Ricky! How'd it go?
I got suspended for a month, and
now I have to see Dr. Johnson three
times a week instead of just once!
Why did you say it was okay for me
to write those things?!
Because when you've been buried
under a school for thirty years,
you get really bored.
A skeleton hand bursts from the ground and grabs Ricky's
ankle. Ricky screams.
ABRUPT CUT TO:
A Cineducatevid, Inc. Production