CHAPTER ONE: QUESTION


It is the first day of school yet again
and you wish you could, from this hell, abstain
but year and year goes by and you're still here
and it's making you wish you'd disappear.

You sit in the far corner, watching them:
The chick clique, the jocks, the weirdos and nerds
You sit away, watching them cause mayhem
and soon enough, they will become drunkards.

You sigh and wonder why you don't fit in.
You're pretty but too weird to be a chick.
And you're too weak to be a jock; too thin
and with them nerds, you ain't part though you click.

The chick clique did makeup, were flirty fun;
Jocks had exercise which you had to run
And those weird nerds were nice and accepting
But you don't belong to those groups at all.

You liked makeup; hated cleaning it off
You liked to run but you are asthmatic,
liked the nerds; your grade's below the cut-off.
There were the goths but they're too dramatic

Even if the years pass and new groups grew,
still, you could not find that group to belong
so you sit alone in the corner blue,
wondering what is with you that is so wrong.

You start to sit in class, all on your own,
when you walk, play, write and draw your stories
since you couldn't fit in those categories
then you got so fucking used to being alone.

You stopped hanging out with the friends you've made
They have wondered why and what has happened
You did not know this but they feel betrayed
but they did not know you felt abandoned.

You stopped replying to their messages
and stopped saying hello at the hallway.
They're clueless—did not know what damages
you're dealing with every day on the way.

It was a complete shut-down of feelings
when your parents started to have fights,
when your aunt screamed at you, denied your rights,
and they did not know what pain all those brings.

You've been raised to think that you're a loser,
been raised to think that everyone, all them,
will hurt you and become your abuser.
Wanting to stop this, you draw a chasm.

You have become unfeeling, cold but strong.
You've become a lone wolf, independent.
You no longer felt the need to belong
but this way of living made you lament.

And so when the new kid comes in the town,
you watch her from afar, observing.
She seems to fit in the weirds with that frown
yet you can see her, too, with chicks, smiling.

Unsurprisingly, all the jocks like her
and years passed, you still sit in your corner,
wondering what she has that you do not have
but you never asked since you're not that brave.

Then suddenly, you were her new target.
She sounds like a passionate advocate
and then, she seems to be concerned with you
and it scares you 'cause she seems to be true.

You remembered the pain of trusting someone.
You've been betrayed once and that frozen you.
You promised yourself you're too fucking done
with everything that makes you feel damned blue.

So you frown at her, your eyebrows raising
She takes a step back, heeding your warning,
but still her smile remains, her smile is there,
and still, with you, she is here, she is here.

But still, you are unconvinced that she's true
or rather, you're unconvinced that she cares.
And so you take this all as your cue
to warn her not to tamper your affairs:

"Hey dear, there's a quick few tips for you now.
It's the basic info that you should know
and it's as simple as don't be my friend.
You gasp,
why? You'll be hurting till the end.

I'll demand for you twenty-four seven
and with you, I won't even get even.
I do not even know how to give thanks
and if you're not there, I'll fill the new blanks.

If you can't be there for me when I call,
I'll feel like disposable at your side
and it's not what you planned for me at all
but all these years, I've been breaking inside.

If you become my friend, it'll be like this:
Walking on burning coals and broken glass
and you cannot fix glass without getting hurt
even if you'll exert all your effort
.

So just for your safety, don't be my friend.
You have heard my reasons; you can leave now.
There's still a lot more you can befriend
so come on, before you leave, take your bow."

She hears this with a sad look on her face.
She thinks 'bout it and nods, "If that's the case,"
and she smiles one last time and turns around,
"Have a nice day." and walks away your ground.

That was quite easy, you thought to yourself
but you were disappointed somehow, too.
You thought that someone finally had a clue
but wrong and again, you're stuck with yourself.

And the silence came and sounded louder.
Maybe, if I could just be, you ponder,
be able again to trust in friendships,
I would not be alone in my hardships.


Additional sentiments:
Although the whole poem is about my feelings, there's more lol. So, instead of re-writing/proof-editing 2PS (Two Princes, a yaoi/gay/smut/slash/however you like to call it), I am writing this instead. It's just maybe I had too much of that food so I decided to take a break. Besides, I feel really lonely being away from home and my friends. Anyways, here you go. Have a nice day.
Love,
Mariro-kan.