"Al, where are you?!"
My haze started to lift. My eyes flickering open. My breathing that was shallow and deep suddenly shot alarmingly close to hyperventilation. I jumped, startled as the sound of my name being called registered in my ears.
My body making such a harsh movement then startled the body that I was laying on top of. His arms instinctively tightened around my waist as he mumbled, "Mmmm scared me."
My mind flashed with images of their faces, their expressions, their comments once they spring in here and see the current situation.
Lay across the couch, clothes thrown all over the floor, Liam's hair all mused from me running my hands through it, my chest covered in little bruises made from his lips.
My heart was literally in my mouth, "Oh my god." I sat up in haste, pushing myself up and off of the couch, clutching my chest to try and save some modesty, worried someone will burst in at any second.
Liam mumbled something again, his voice thick with relaxation. I span around in the room trying to locate any form of my clothing.
I was frantic, looking for my dress. Did I make a mistake? This was wrong, people are going to hate me. My chest swelled with what I hoped wasn't regret.
Did I regret this?
"What's wrong?" Liam's voice didn't bring me out of my state. He was fully awake now, sat up watching me with knitted eyebrows of concern.
There was thumping in my ears, could I hear footsteps?
I spun around, seeing my dress on the floor. "People are looking for me."
I shrugged it on, which was no easy task after what we just did.
"It's fine." Liam replied, completely nonchalant, pulling up some shorts.
I whipped my head round to look at him, "No it's not! I can't believe it. Why did I do that? Here?!"
"Cheers." Liam drawled sarcastically. He was watching me with a weird expression, his eyes narrowed, his face set but lips slightly parted with confusion.
Heat flooded to my face as I realised how that sounded, "No I mean…" I reached behind my back to locate the zip on my dress, "Wait…" I desperately grasped to the zip, trying to pull it up but it was catching, "Oh I don't know! You know what I mean!" I was too exasperated to make sense. "Shit!"
Liam's face straightened out, his eyes went soft. His complete deposition changed. He almost looked timid as he approached me, placing his hands on my arms to turn me around and seamlessly pulled up the zip on my dress. I could hardly feel his breath on the back of my neck, as if he was holding it in.
Guilt spread through my body, but I had to get out of there. I turned to face him. He locked eyes with me, I could tell he was willing himself to say something. Anything. But he knew I wasn't in the frame of mind for it.
"I have to go." I almost whispered. I didn't know the drill for these sorts of things.
His brow furrowed a bit, but he nodded, "Okay."
I pulled on my jacket, heading for the door, "I'll, um, see you later."
He gave a small smile in acknowledgement. I tried to ignore the hurt that cut across his expression for the slightest of seconds.
I opened the door, and climbed down to the hallway re-joining my friends.
I wasn't sure how I felt as I kept on crossing and uncrossing my legs. It all seemed like a blur.
Every hot, sweaty second of it.
I was sat at the end of the dining room table, whilst everyone was chatting and laughing over the music. No one had noticed I'd been gone for nearly three hours.
I kept on zoning out, my thoughts going to the expression across Liam's face as I left, the guilt I felt that I just walked away again when he clearly had something to say.
How could I let myself get caught up in that?
I mean, it's not like I like Liam, is it? At least, I thought I got rid of that feeling. I gave into my hormones; it was just a moment of weakness. Nothing to be ashamed of. People have done worse.
All I did know right now was that I wanted to go home. And shower. And curl up in a ball at my own stupidity.
Panic rose in my chest and tears threatened to spill. This moment was meant to be perfect. I swallowed hard, forcing everything down.
I needed to tell someone. Anyone. But as soon as I thought I'd locked eyes on someone I could talk too, dread filled my stomach. What are people going to think about me? I'm going to lose all my friends. I glanced a Mark, he tried to kiss me not even a week ago. What kind of person have I turned into?
Even worse, how am I meant to talk to Liam now? Without it being awkward again? Could I even tell Polly? Do people even tell anyone when they've lost their virginity anymore? Or am I past the age of doing that?
I uncrossed my knees again, biting the side of my cheek as I felt the slightest burn between my legs. Even my body couldn't ignore it. This happened.
I turned to Taylor, "Hey, Taylor, I'm going to head home." She whipped her head around.
"What?! No!" She whined, "Please don't go! Its barley even late!"
I shook my head, putting on my best pleading expression, "No really. I don't feel right."
She pouted, her eyes scanning over me and some sort of sympathy flaring in her eyes, "It's okay, I'll call a taxi." I nodded.
"Urgh, okay. I'll come with you then. I can't abandon you." She turned around to Tom a whispered in his ear, "You go, I'll be two minutes." She shimmied into Tom's lap and gave me a wave of her hand. I gave a small smile and walked towards the door, pulling my jacket tighter around myself.
I was in that much of a world of my own I almost completely blanked the person I was walking past,
"Are you okay? You look flustered?" Mark.
My throat closed, "Yeah, I, yeah," I pulled crossed my arms across my chest and forced a smile onto my face, "Yeah, sorry, I'm good. But I'm heading home."
Mark raised an eyebrow at me, "Not feeling too good, you know. Just waiting for Taylor!"
Mark smiled, "Come on, I'll get you some water. Fuck knows how long they'll be at each other's mouths for."
I motioned towards the door, desperate not to be alone with Mark right now, since, you know, I've just had sex with his brother, "It's fine, I'll just grab a taxi. If she's not outside in five, I'll leave without her."
Mark was now looking towards the staircase behind me, "Where are you going?"
My neck tensed. All the air left my lungs. I tried to act casual as I turned around. He was dressed now, in the usual skinny jeans and t-shirt combo, shoving car keys, his wallet and other things into his jacket pocket.
"It's two o'clock in the morning, Liam." Mark tutted with a short laugh.
"Thanks for the time check," Liam shrugged on his jacket, completely staring right through me and at Mark with this hard gaze.
"You still pissed off?" Mark rolled his eyes.
That's when Liam's eye caught mine for the smallest of moments, and his face completely fell and his façade of broody and hard just wasn't there at all. I suddenly wondered what I looked like.
"I'll be back later." He spun on his heel and stalked to the front door.
"Mark." And shut the door.
I turn back around and forced out a shrug, "Weird." When really I was completely obsessing over what the hell Liam meant.
Mark was eyeing me; I could literally hear the cogs in Mark's brain slotting together.
I broke out into a cold sweat.
I sighed, "Wonder how long Tay's going to be?" I shifted on my heels, "I'll take that glass of water after all, thanks Mark."
"Sure," Mark turned around, "Still or sparkling?" And was being sarcastic.
And as if I wasn't already feeling embarrassed enough, I got my phone out, found Liam's number, and tapped a message.
Alexia: I thought I cheered you up
And pressed send.
Immediately I regretted it. What is wrong with me?! Who even says something like that?
Taylor bounded up to me, "Okay I'm ready!" She took my hand and we clambered into the waiting taxi. I so desperately wanted to confide in her about what I'd just done. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I've decided Mark Fleeting's parties are not where I make good decisions, and I'm never going to one again.
We were half way home when my phone buzzed, it was from Liam.
Liam: You did. Then you left.
Once through the door I stripped of all my clothes and headed to the shower thinking that I'd want to scrub every inch of my skin to try and get rid of any traces of Liam. I turned the knob on the shower and watched it whirl on, and I turned around to grab a towel and set it on the side, I stopped dead as I caught sight of myself in the mirror.
My eyebrows furrowed. Where you meant to look different when you aren't a virgin anymore? I'd heard that that was a thing.
My eyes started at the top of my head. Other than the frizzi-ness at the back of my hair where it'd been resting on the air of the chair as Liam's body covered mine, caressing my bare sides whilst his tongue was tracing lines across my neck it looked no different. I felt my neck now, reminded of how his lips felt hot against it, whilst my hands raked through his hair to bring him closer. I found myself smiling as I ran the tips of my fingers across the little nip marks his teeth made across my chest as he worked his way down my body.
I felt light, like I could float. I forced myself to look at my eyes, and it was like someone dropped a weight on me. I saw my eyes practically glistening with – what that happiness?
Until I took in the rest of my face, it was still the same.
Everything was still the same.
My forehead started to crease, my shoulders went tense. My breathing went ragged.
I yanked my coat off of the floor, thrust my hand into the pocket to retrieve my phone and dialled. I slid down to the floor, my back against the wall, no care for the fact I was still naked with the shower running. At least this way my mum couldn't hear me.
I closed my eyes, pained, thinking of my mum and the promise I made to her. I can't tell her, that means it was real, it was something.
The phone kept ringing, consistent in my ears. I checked the time. Nearly 4 in the morning. Just before I gave up, the phone crackled and Sally's voice thick with sleep answered,
"Sally!" I exclaimed in a whisper, "I need to talk to you before I bang my head repeatedly against a wall!"
There was movement and the rustling of sheets on the other line.
"Okay," She seemed more alert now, "Go."
"No 'I don't you so's' Sally! Do you hear me!" I warned.
"God!" I slunk back against the wall, "I don't even know - I just feel like I'm about to burst - " Panic rose to my tone again as I rambled on.
"Alexia." Sally's irritated tone grounded me.
I took a deep breath, "I did it tonight."
"Did what?" Was she being serious?
"It. What else could that mean?!"
"I don't know. Your voice is all weird!" Sally defended.
"It, Sally. It. I had sex." I whispered the last bit.
Silence. I stared at my phone, removing it from my ear to check the signal.
"Sally? did you hear me?"
"Yeah, I'm just trying not to do that I told you so thing." Her voice was controlled. She was really trying.
"What am I going to do!?"
"Was it with Liam?" She asked.
"No." I deadpanned, although I don't think in my current state it came out like that.
"No?!" She practically choked.
"It was with a random on the street."
"Oh?" I could literally picture her face. Screwed up and freaked.
"Of course it was with Liam!"
"Well I'm sorry but you sound frantic. I'm having a hard time picking up on sarcasm!"
"I am frantic!"
"Why?!" She was fully alert now, I heard more rustling and I knew she was propping herself up.
"Because! I feel all guilty, and stupid and embarrassed," I shifted, wincing, "And stingy!"
"You know what I mean!" I wasn't going to say it.
"Ouch. I don't miss that. Why are you stupid?"
"I just am! I'm stupid for feeling this way, Sally! I'm so angry at myself, all I can think about is how Mark tried to kiss me, how Taylor will disown me, how Ruby will hate me, how everything was meant to be special and it's just not and how Liam and I are doomed and I hate that I think I feel regretful about this. One thing I told myself since I can remember is not to regret my first time!" Tear pricked the corners of my eyes.
"Ally! Calm down!"
I was spiralling, "I can't! I feel like I'm choking!"
"Slap yourself. Pinch yourself. Anything!"
I brought my thumb and forefinger to my thigh, to my forearm, to my abdomen grabbing skin.
"It's not working!"
"Then listen to me! All that stuff that you said is true. Yes, it's unfortunate that Mark tried to kiss you again and I can imagine how shitty you feel given he's his twin brother,"
"Sally! That doesn't help!"
"I don't want you to regret this Alex! Because deep down I don't think you do. You're careful, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't feel right. If it didn't feel right!"
"But- Sally! I do!" At this point I was almost throwing a full blown tantrum.
"Okay! Here me out. If this whole situation was normal. Boy meets girl, drama free, no people interfering, no brothers, no Taylor's. Just a natural chain of events. If you and Liam were just a couple of people who – do not cut me off – like each other or found each other hot. How would you feel?"
I thought about it. But I didn't have the think long because that's something I've mulled over a thousand times. It was sparkly and fresh and easy.
"Good." I breathed.
"Good? Would you have done it?" Her tone changed to that, 'I told you so' tone. But for some reason it wasn't bothering me.
"Yeah. I would have felt like it was time." I furrowed my brows, nodding.
"Then how would you feel about it? What do you think you'd feel?"
"Pretty good." I paused, thinking over everything. How much Liam cared about me, even if it was just as a friend, how much I knew he fancied me. The night, how he treated me, how really, although it was on a freaking couch, it was amazing, "Like pretty fucking happy."
"Well then. You didn't make a mistake."
I smiled, this fog lifting. The still running shower creating whirls of steam around my body relaxing every muscle.
"But what will I do about Mark and Taylor?" I asked.
"I can't help you with that. Because you're you and I know how you think. I personally think you shouldn't care but, that's just me."
She was right. "Yeah."
"And you do care."
"Then you'll either have to deal with it, or get over it. But one thing you will know for sure, you did not make a mistake." She said sternly.
"Okay." I smiled again.
"Okay. Now. It's fucking 4am."
"Anytime. You can give me details tomorrow."
"Urm, excuse me. I told you!"
"I didn't ask for details!"
"Fine. Than just tell me this – how was it?"
"It was – amazing."
"Oh oh! and what did his - "
"Hang on – hey hang on," Liam's lips spoke softly against mine. I removed my mouth from his, and sat back on his lap.
"What, what's wrong?" A thousand thoughts were running through my head. Am I doing something wrong? Does he want to stop? I'm sat here, my dress all crumpled around my waist, grinding our hips together. I take in his face, he had this cute lust filled smile on his face.
"Nothing's wrong," Liam put his put his hand behind my head and guided me into a hot open mouth kiss, "But I need to go and grab something."
I pulled back with a raised eyebrow, "What?"
Liam picked me up off of his lap and lay me back on the couch, before standing up, and reaching for some clothes, "Surprise, I don't carry shit round in my back pocket," He teased, "I'll be right back."
Oh. Suddenly I found it hard to swallow as he was pulling up his shorts so he wasn't walking around downstairs in just his Calvin's.
He kissed my forehead as he left the attic, but I just sat there, thinking about what's about to happen. I'm actually going to do this. I'm going to have sex.
Although it was probably already past the point of no return, with both of our wandering hands having already touched every inch of each other.
Before I knew it, I started to pace. My dress hiked back up to cover my chest. I wasn't wearing any underwear but at least my modesty was covered.
I heard the door creak open, "Hey," Liam was walking back over to me. I glanced at him, and whatever look that crossed my face caused him to stop, "Are you okay?"
My gaze fell from his face, to the foil packet in his hand. He noticed. His face shifted, went soft and affectionate. "Lexi, we don't have to you know."
"It's not, no, I'm just -" I couldn't finish my sentence.
Liam took a step towards me, pushing the condom back into the pocket of his shorts and shrugging, "Put your clothes back on, we'll watch TV." He smiled, this genuine, nice, not at all pissed that I'm leaving him hanging smile.
I shook my head, "No, I want to."
"Lexi…" he took another step towards me, all the while the intenseness of his stare making me achy, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I – I am-"
"I'd believe you if you didn't stutter. It's okay to change your mind," Liam rolled his eyes playfully.
I cleared my throat, rolling back my shoulders, "No, I want to. I really do. Sorry I'm just nervous."
"That's okay. I'd be nervous if I was about to bang me too," He took another step towards me, smiling mischievously.
"Shut up, Liam!" I mock scolded, because really his playful arrogance was soothing me.
"Are you positive?" His face when back to serious. I took in all of him. All his body language screamed he was waiting for me, gauging all of my reactions. Making sure I was okay.
"Yeah," I said, more mustering all the confidence I could, Liam raised a brow, silently asking again.
"Yeah, I'm sure." And to just prove my point I let go of my dress, letting it drop to the floor.
I'm standing fully naked in front of Liam, exhilaration split through my body. And the look that cut across his face just secured it for me. That this was meant to happen.
The next few days I managed to keep myself to myself, luckily it being Christmas helped out a lot. I'd barley spoken to anyone, other than countless phone calls with Sally and a few movie nights at Taylor's. But sitting with her whilst this secret was weighing me down was proving uncomfortable. The one person I hadn't spoken to was Liam, and that wasn't through lack of trying on his behalf. He texted me, and most of the time I didn't reply, even when I did I was blunt and cut off the conversation. I felt like I needed time away from him to process everything and what was best to do, and I couldn't do that whilst I was around him still reeling and wanting more.
Especially after Christmas Eve. It was the middle of the night, I was in a deep sleep, dreaming about mince pies and all the chocolate I was going to consume the next day when my phone started ringing. I aimlessly felt around, patting my bed sleepily looking where I left my phone. I imagined this is must of what Sally felt like when I rang her the other night.
I grasped it on the other side of my bed, brought it to my ear without checking the ID and rasped a groggy, "Hello?"
"Hi." My chest panged. I recognised his voice instantly.
"Hi." I whispered, mimicking his tone.
I heard him licking his lips on the other line, I could tell he was trying to figure out what to say.
I decided to start him off, "What – What's up?"
"Nothing – I uh – What time is it?"
I pulled my phone away to check the time, "11.59"
"Oh right, sorry did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but why?" I sat up now in my bed, sleepiness lifting, "Is everything okay?"
I found myself briefly wondering if he was drunk.
"Yeah – I just wanted," He stopped, then whispered, "12."
My forehead creased, "What?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas after-"
I couldn't hear what he was going to say after, so I cut him off, "Oh, you don't have to Liam."
"Right, sorry – but Merry Christmas Lexi, I -"
I had to cut him off again, my chest swelling, having a weird bittersweet feeling about what he was trying to say, "Merry Christmas, Liam."
He was the one to hang up, I pushed away my guilt, fell back asleep and found myself questioning in the morning if that was a dream.
After the phone call on Christmas Day I felt off. Liam sounded quiet, distant and hazy but focused and together all at the same time.
He sounded like he was desperate.
Desperate to say something to me about - we'll anything.
I found myself completely cutting off contact with him. Not because I regretted it, but because the emotion that overtook his face and the desperation in his voice told me this was about much more than sex. And that was terrifying. Terrifying because if I know he feels that way then there is no stopping the onslaught of my own feelings that will come crashing over me.
That is what I was afraid of.
I tried to be realistic, he was only acting that way because he knew we made a mistake, and he didn't want us to go back to hating each other. Surely that was it, right?
I was avoiding him. I needed to think straight, and I couldn't think straight when I'm thinking about Liam.
Not willing to deal with all of that over Christmas. I told Sally my decision. She wasn't that enthusiastic, but agreed it was my life and I'm the one that has to deal with it.
I'd decided it's better if we stay friends. Things were starting to get messy already and as much as half of me doesn't care the other more dominate half just wants an easy life.
Which means I need to speak to him. I need to clear the air. And that starts with telling him the truth. I couldn't have him thinking I was some sort of tramp, or bitch, or I don't know what the hell I am lately.
I opened my phone to reply to a text from Polly:
Polly: Having a few people round mine before we go to the bar for NYE, come!
Alexia: I'll be there x
I replied, as I flicked to Liam's message, still unread on my phone:
Liam: Coming Polly's?
I shut my phone, re-straightened my hair and put it up in a high pony tail, then threw on my most sparkly NYE worthy dress. I stepped into some boots instead of heels, I wasn't going to be there long.
I rang Polly's doorbell, already shrugging off my jacket. My palms were sweating in case Liam was the one who answered. I knew he was here already after seeing the video on Ryan's Snapchat them making each other jump by popping party poppers behind their backs.
Much to my relief, Polly answered, "Hi! Did you have a good Christmas?!"
I stepped inside, the warmth of her house hitting me straight away, "Yeah, good thanks. Did you?"
"Yeah was pretty sound. Here I'll take your coat." She grabbed my jacket and hung it on the hooks by the door.
"Thanks," I smiled at her, trying to be subtle as I scooped the room for Liam. So far I couldn't see him.
"He's upstairs." Polly's voice took me out of my trance. So much for subtlety.
"What?" I pretended, but she was giving me this look. I raised a brow.
She smiled with a guilty face, "Ryan told me."
"Oh." My brow furrowed. Told her what? Then my mind started working again, "Oh!"
"Sorry - I shouldn't have said anything. Liam will kill me." She made an 'oop's' face.
I took a deep breath, no point in hiding it, "That's okay. Where is he?"
"Around, somewhere," She shrugged as we walked to the living room, "You need to speak to him?"
"Yeah." I nodded, as she handed me a drink. I tried not to notice how my clammy hands steamed up the plastic cup instantly. I bit my lip,
"Hey! Don't worry about it! It's not a big deal right?" Polly sensed my nervousness.
"No," I said, unconvincingly, before catching her face again, all supportive, "It's not, it's not, you're right," I took a sip, "No one else knows right?"
"No! God I think we'd all end up in a casket." Polly laughed.
"Okay," I shifted on my heels, wiping one of my hands on my dress, running over how I was even going to begin the conversation with Liam.
"What's up?" Polly asked now, her tone telling me to stop all the bullshit.
"Nothing I'm - just - don't really know the protocol for this thing."
"Protocol for?" Her eyes narrowed in confusion.
"Oh nothing-" I shook my head now, trying to retract what I just said.
"Oh my god - Alexia?" Polly put her drink down, and stepped a bit closer to me.
"What?" I eyed her.
"Was that your first time?" She whispered, and my chest flooded with heat.
"It was." She nodded, "Wow."
"Oh god." I covered my eyes with one of my hands, unsure if I was embarrassed or relived I finally told someone.
"No it's not a bad thing! I just - Liam doesn't know that." Polly voice was uncertain.
"I know." I breathed.
"Alexia - you have to tell him." Polly was sympathetic now.
"I do?" I mean; I was planning on it anyway, but I'm curious to know why she thinks that.
"Yeah! He - I think Liam needs to know that." Polly was pushing now, her eyes darting over me. I almost forgot how protective she is over Liam.
"Know what?" Another voice chimed in.
My eyes went wide, my heart stopped. I was like a dear in headlights.
Polly cleared her throat, "I'll leave you two."
"Subtle." Liam rolled his eyes.
"Thanks kid." And tapped his head. I was still stood wide eyed. Trying to ignore how him standing in front of me was making heat pool in my stomach. That's not what I need right now.
"So, you're avoiding me." It was a statement. He was stood broad and confident.
I shook my head, "Oh Sorry, no-"
He took my arm and pulled me to the quiet side of the room, I ignored how comforting his skin felt against mine, "Do you want me to say sorry?"
His posture told me he didn't think he had to say sorry, but that maybe that's what I wanted to hear.
"I've think I've fucked up? I mean, I have, right?" Again, he didn't think he had but was trying to get me to speak.
"No - no! We were both there." I shook my head, hoping he hadn't spent the entirety of Christmas putting the blame on himself.
"I know but - I started it. I just don't want you to go back to thinking that that's what I do. I'm - I want-" And there it was again, that tone that told me he was about to tell me something like I both wanted to hear, yet really didn't want to hear.
"No Liam stop."
He breathed out a sharp breath, I could tell me not letting him speak was starting to wind him up.
He changed tactics, "I had a fucking good time, I don't think I regret it. But something tells me you do? Considering you haven't spoken a word to me since?"
"It's not-" I shut my eyes to collect my thoughts. He's not going to stop until I tell him. Although I'm not sure what difference it'll make. Relief that I didn't think I was holding onto flooded my body when he said he didn't regret it, thought. And that was something that made me feel a lot better.
"Okay, I have been avoiding you." I admitted.
His eyes skimmed my face, "Knew it, listen Lexi…"
"Liam," I stopped him again, and I saw him bite his cheek.
I looked him over, he didn't look any different, all black hoodie, skinny jeans, glasses and backwards cap. But his expression was equal parts frustrated as it was concerned.
Guilt washed over me again, "Urgh," I stomped a foot, trying to release some tension that was building through my muscles, "That was my first time."
I could literally here the snap in the change of atmosphere.
"What?" He asked, I made a face as if to say I'm not repeating it.
"Fuck." He eyed me, "Lexi, don't lie to me."
"Why would I lie about that?" I almost laughed, if it weren't for his complete change of demeanour I probably would have.
"Lexi," He whispered, "I'm sorry."
This time he meant it. He whole body said it.
I started to feel a little bit agitated.
Sorry, for what?
"Stop looking me at like that." I bit out, mimicking his look.
"Like what?" he asked.
"Like I'm an alien."
He looked to the ceiling to collect himself, "I'm not I'm just - fuck sorry."
"Oh, pity. Nice." I narrowed my eyes now.
"Not pity. I just - why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know." I crossed my arms across my chest.
"You should have told me. I wouldn't have been so-"
"Okay Liam." I stopped him, mainly because I didn't want to relive the night right now, "I've had boyfriends, I'm not a complete nun."
Liam made a face, as though the thought of me with someone else bothered him for the splittest of seconds, "It shouldn't have happened like that."
"Well, it did. And that's fine."
"Lexi," he started, but didn't finish. He just stared at me with all this hurt in his expression.
"Liam, it's fine. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm completely okay with it." I turned around then, heading to the front door. No point in staying longer than I needed too.
"Where are you going?" He followed behind me.
"I'm going to speak to Millie. Then I'm going home. Have a good night,"
"Happy new year Liam."
And I didn't know why I wanted him to know. I could have left it and no one would have known any different. It's almost as if I needed him to know how much it meant to me. How much I wanted to do that with him.
Once I got home, I headed straight into the kitchen where my mum was currently cutting herself a slice of cake.
"Hi, I'll take some cake. Thanks mum."
She turned around, licking one of her fingers with icing on it, "What are you doing home?"
I lifted a shoulder, "We always spend new year's eve together?"
She scoffed, "Yeah but you're young, you're free, you have a life."
I laughed, "I went to Polly's. I saw some friends. But I wanted to come home."
"No one to have a new year's kiss with?" She joked, grabbing me a plate.
For some reason, that hit something inside me, and it took a few seconds for me to recover, "Some things never change."
My mum started at me, her eyes washing over me with that motherly look, as if they're reading your mind, "Yeah, and some things do."
And she looked at me again, handing me my cake. And like she was seeing right through into my mind.
She walked over and hugged me.